A mess...

It's been a long weekend and we've been sick. Thank goodness some neighbors/friends invited us over for Thanksgiving dinner on Wednesday so we actually got some good food! Thanksgiving came and we just vegged! Friday came & I had to go to work because well, we need the money! But, I got off early- god answered my prayers! Exhausted, we walked through the door. Jillian said- I want make cookies for dinner. Now, I know better. A.) she's 2- I can tell her no! B.) when feeling ill- one should mostly avoid sugar! C.) it was nearing bedtime & I was tired! Regardless... I thought- yeah, lets make some cookies! So we did and it was mostly fun for the first little bit but then she got over-tired & cranky & needed to go to bed, so did I! A friend stopped by for a second to borrow something & looked at the mess & the screaming child & then looked at me like "what are you doing?" And the first thing that came to my mind & out of my mouth was... "I guess I just don't know what I'd do without a mess to clean up."
And then I thought about this...
And then I nearly cried! I think it's true though. I keep going & going. I certainly didn't NEED to bake cookies or make another mess. I NEEDED to get my child inside, feed her dinner, give her a bath, and put her to bed early. Instead, I added a mess. Don't get me wrong- I Love baking with my daughter- but there's a time & a place!!
So then I thought back to about 3.5 years ago when this all started! His name starts with an E & I've been trying to clean up that mess for years now. It's added stress. I think I go looking for it and invite it in. I have trouble sitting still anymore. I have trouble making it through a yoga class thinking about my body or postures or breathing because my mind is racing. I think I use it as a distraction of sorts- I create messes to keep me from doing the things that really matter- the important stuff. Because making side messes is a good way to keep from going forward when things are scary. It's kind of like making up excuses.
On the one hand- I can make sense of this. On the other hand- I'm ready to get it together- to move forward, to give up making unnecessary messes. I'll save baking cookies for a Sunday afternoon or a rainy day! I'll put my energy to good use. I re-learn to quiet my mind again, to be present with my daughter! I am learning (again) the importance of holding dear what is sacred. We must hold close the things we value the most. Life is going to get fuzzy sometimes or hairy or just not a lot of fun. But instead of hiding from it, eating yourself into a food-coma, cracking out on excess sugar & caffeine, zoning out on movies and other mindless activities- we must push ourselves forward. We must not forget that we are beautiful & fabulously & purposefully made. We must find that fire inside, feed that flame, and shine as bright as the sun... because that's what we were meant to do! Sometimes we need the rest & that should be honored. But to be lazy and hide- that's something different.
So stop- take a look around. Go clean up the messes you've made. Take a long bath, read your new yoga magazine, try a short sequence, get a good nights sleep. Tomorrow is a new day. Seize it!