Christmas & lessons...

So, Christmas is almost here. Tomorrow is Christmas eve day. I started my shopping today. Note: please do not put off shopping until last day! Oh my. I have a way of being indecisive; it takes me so long to make decisions that by the time I finally make up my mind it's too late. For instance... My sister wanted us to come to SF for the holiday. I said I wanted to but didn't have the money. So, then my cousin & a friend said they wanted to go too & drive with. Well, they both ended up backing out & prices sky-rocketed. So now it's just me & the little one & 17 hours in a car in 3 days. Lesson learned- know what you value, know what you can do, do what's best for YOU & if it helps others then great! But don't wait around for them to figure things out!
I've been super sick now for 3 days. Like my head weighs 762 lbs. I had to call in sick to work today. I was going to nap & get some shopping done but then the sitter called & J was sick. So, I had to go pick her up- poor dear. Took her to the doc & he said she's got an ear infection. So, we're supposed to leave in 7-8 hours & I just don't know if it's the best decision. I really want to be there and snuggle in with my sister for Christmas & I really want to get out of this house for a bit! But, I really don't want to make the drive. Especially all myself with a toddler. Ugh.
To top it off... I'm really, really missing my family. I've been trying to decide if we should stay here or move back to Iowa. I love it here. I feel like we're home here. I love my job & have met some really great people. The ladies at work pulled together and gave me a really generous gift. They gave us money to help with Christmas. I'm overwhelmed at their kindness. Especially since I know everyone could use some extra money- especially this time of year. I don't feel like I can even accept it but I don't know what to do.
So back to the moving debate... I love it here & we're blessed. But, I think J needs to have family around & she's missing out on a whole lot of love being so far away. And days like this when I'm sick & can't be a great mom... she doesn't have anywhere to go & I don't have anyone to help. It's honestly all I can do to make her a piece of toast for dinner & watch a movie with her. So, for those reasons & the fact that I just can't afford to be here- to take her to swim lessons or dance class or all the other experiences I want her to have... I think it's time to move back. There's something really beautiful about a small town & the closeness it brings. I know a piece of my shuts down there & can't breathe! But, I think I'm going to have to get past that because the important thing is that our family is there. And at the end of the day- family just wins out. So, we've got another 2 weeks here in this place that I love so dearly & that has been our first real HOME. I cry when I think about leaving & mostly I cry when I think about packing it all up by myself & shipping it out & how we're going to make it all work!!! But, time to seize the day ...cherish the moment.
As for tomorrow & Christmas... I'm not sure yet. I think we'll still try to go but I'm just afraid the travel time won't make up for the fun we'll have with my sister. I want to be there- just don't want to drive!!! Merry Christmas!!!

Living and decision making!

So, making decisions has never been my strong point! It's like I can see both sides of every situation- the good & the bad! And I generally have a hard time separating myself from the details & think too much about the future.
It's crunch time, however! I've got to give 30 days to my landlord and to baby's sitter because I can't afford next months rent! There's a chance we'll get into an apartment by then but there's also a chance we won't. So, financially I'm in a pickle. This is really nothing new. And, I hate to base decisions on finances because they come and go and somehow, I've always been taken care of in the past & I have faith I will continue to be provided for.
It comes down to what do you value most! Well, I value Love and family and honesty and sincerity and community ...I could go on! But the bottom line is -where does what I value place us? We could stay here because I love it here! I don't know if I see us living in So. Cal forever but I love it for now! And, I love my job. It doesn't provide for us financially and doesn't give us health insurance or a stable income but I love it anyways! I LOVE the ocean! I love playing with my daughter on the beach and swimming in the ocean! I love the sunshine and warm weather. I love the energy of this sweet little town. I know it's got more to offer & we've barely scratched the surface.
Or, we could go to Iowa. My family is there and honestly- I can't imagine my daughter growing up not really knowing them. I want her to know her grandparents & to be close to them. I want her to know her cousins & have a strong sense of where she comes from. There is beauty in that state and in small towns and simple lives. The seasons really change there. And, even though i spent my whole life there (trying to get out!) I believe it has more to offer & I've barely scratched the surface.
I feel alive here. My family is there. I want to live here. I need the help & love & support that is there. Wants and needs, wants and needs. It's not just me any more. I don't live a sweet single life. I want to plant roots and build a family. I want to be able to get out of debt and ahead financially. There is no doubt in my mind that we were supposed to move here. Everything fell beautifully into place! It's been really, super hard but we've grown a LOT and learned a LOT and it's been a grande adventure! Moving back & forth is a lot of work and it takes a lot emotionally, physically, and mentally. I've realized that people are all living their lives and that I've got to stop living mine like I did in the past! I've got to start making a home for my daughter. I realize I don't get to go visit friends or places the way I used to. I have to put her/us first. I've got to start living within my means!
I know I tend to shut down in Iowa; I don't thrive there. Is this because of it's geographical location or some bigger spiritual force, or because of a choice I made? Opportunity to grow or feeling stuck- those are choices! Life is about living it! Live boldly- keep moving forward- make choices & see them through. They'll lead you new places you never dreamed if you let them. No choice is the wrong choice! But that doesn't feel like the case! I sit & stew & stress to the point where I can't even see clearly. I can't see beyond this little box I've built around an idea. The same thoughts go in & out all day.
i've been trying to sit & breath & give thanks for all things are exactly as they should be. Everything is perfect in this moment and I am enough. What about the next moment? ...same thing! Unfortunately this doesn't give me an answer as to what I really want out of life or where I should move to. But if gives me peace in the moment and all we really have in life are little moments. And the more we can stay present in the little moments, the easier it will be to live fully and make good decisions!