be gentle

Why are we so hard on ourselves? I seem to be so understanding & patient & compassionate when it comes to other people! I can always see the bright side of a situation & can encourage others when they need it. But when it comes to me, I realize, I'm so hard on myself. Why? Why do we do that to ourselves. Why do we put ourselves & our needs on the back burner?

A friend of mine once told me a story that a friend had told her... about potty training a puppy! She said you set the newspaper out & without fail the puppy will have an 'accident' off of the newspaper! What do you do? You certainly wouldn't scream or instantly get mad at the puppy, you pick him up & put him back on the newspaper & try again to teach him this lesson- right?! So, shouldn't we have the same patience with ourselves? Yes, yes we should!

So many thoughts running around in my head every day! Most of the time I'm too tired to process any of them! It really helps for me to write things out b/c then I feel much better in the end. It's a funny thing about thoughts vs. the written word. I find that thoughts come & go but once you've written something down- it seems to be there for ever! Like there's no escaping it & you read it later & you can't deny that you had that thought or that feeling. If all things or feelings are neither good or bad then it shouldn't matter. But, I carry this guilt for the parts of me that aren't so wonderful or happy. We all have a light & a dark side & we need to be comfortable with both of them but geesh, I sometimes wish I'd stop writing some of it down!!! Or, just be easier on myself! Remind myself as I would remind a friend- that all things happen for a reason, it's all part of us, & there's no shame in it. It's not the thoughts or feelings as much as it is the action you take or don't take.

So, be patient with yourself- life is but a journey! You're only here to learn & to love or perhaps to learn to truly love. Either way, enjoy the ride!

Weather

So I've always thought it funny that old people sit & talk about the weather! Not even just old people- my parents, my dad in particular! He's always talking about the weather. I usually just smile & nod because usually, I could care less or maybe I just realize that we never really know what's in store for us so just stop trying to predict & go with the flow?! Lately however, I can't help but talk about it- or just bitch about it! What a horrible winter we've had! We seem to be snowed in or iced or stuck in blizzard conditions more days than not. Ordinarily, I would just get out anyways- brave the day! But having a baby makes it harder. Why get her out if I don't absolutely have to! I mean, it leans toward child endangerment!!!

The other day we woke up to 1/4 inch ice covering everything! It was so beautiful though, so beautiful! I felt terrible for the poor trees, hanging on to their branches for dear life, weighed down by ice. It got me thinking how superficial & deceiving that beauty is! It's hazardous, treacherous even! It's like in Beauty & the Beast ...Gaston is this gorgeous (depends on your taste- I'm just trying to make a point here!) man- appears strong & brave but is totally disgusting & self centered & egotistical ...we all know the type! And then there's the Beast- A prince in disguise! I'd take a beast over Gaston any day! Although I guess you'd have to be the beauty to turn him into a prince... ugh, it all gets so complicated & I seem to have gotten completely side tracked!!!

So, the sun is shining today- for the first day since I don't know when. It is amazing what a little sunshine will do! We finally got out of the house & I got to go to work- I feel 100 times better- almost like a real human again! Oh how I long to live some place warm & tropical & beautiful again.

All this complaining has got me thinking... Things could always be worse. I feel horrible complaining because at the end of the day- I'm healthy & my friends & family are healthy & we've got food to eat & a warm house to stay in a warm bed to sleep in & cloths to wear, a car to drive... all these things. And there are people all over the world, or just next door even that face bigger struggles. Still, somehow I feel entitled -like I should have more or be more. All I really want is to be a person I can be proud of, a person that my daughter can look up to & admire. A person who is living the life she is meant to live. I don't feel like I'm that kind of person anymore. I used to be a person I kind of liked- sure I had my issues & my moments, but overall, I really liked her! Now, I can't seem to find her. There's a line in a song I like "if you met me today, do you think you would like me? I think I would punch me!" ...a little over the top, perhaps! But really, I've lost sight of who I am & who I want to be & it's taken a real toll. It's amazing what having a baby does to you. You change in so many ways- SO MANY WAYS!!! I emphasize because I didn't think it would be THAT big of a deal... it is! Maybe that's only the case if you feel defined by the things that you do or by the people around you?! I guess I did then. But, to some point, aren't we defined by the people around us & the things that we do, the things that we enjoy? You're just different with a baby- better, in many ways, but different. I think it is vital to hold on to the parts of you that you love, that make you YOU- but also to make room for newness, for the unexpected, for change!

It is vital that we look harder to find the light within ourselves & then live from that light. It is vital that we love the person that we are & that we are patient with ourselves- that we have the kind of patience with ourselves that we have with other people. It is vital that we keep dreaming & keep laughing & keep putting ourselves out there. It is vital that we take time to reflect & that we get enough rest. It is vital that we open our hearts to give & receive love! It is vital to give thanks everyday- for something, for anything, great or small- even if we don't feel really grateful for it...without it we'd be much worse off! It is vital that we take care of our beautiful & fragile hearts- if we don't, no one else will!

I was listening to a radio show this morning (by 'accident') & they were discussing the health benefits of spending more time in the buff! They had some great points & I think it is so true that the more time we spend naked the more accepting we become of ourselves & our bodies. The human body is, afterall, a beautiful & wonderful thing. I think it's terrible that being naked is so quickly associated with sex. Anyhow- perhaps that's the key... just spend a little more time naked each day!!;) PS- be cautious of letting too much light in, be sure to keep those curtains closed b/c apparently one can get arrested - even if you're in your own home. How ridiculous!

Stockpiling Altoids

A friend of mine & I share the same love for cinnamon altoids but they are very hard to find! We found one store here in central Iowa that sells them & bought the rest of the altoids that the store had in stock. She came up with the idea- that if we ever started a band, it should be called 'stockpiling altoids'! Since we'll never start a band, I decided to use it for this blog.

So, a blog! Whew! Everybody's doing it, right?! I decided I'd give it a try. It's not even that I'm a writer like my brilliant friend who has started her own blog MaudeRubyPearl, or that I have anything of particulare interest to talk about. I do have a lot to say, however, and it's just the stuff that runs around in my head all day- making me crazy! I'm just a single mom with a baby living in Iowa in the middle of winter! You know that phrase "Is this heaven? No, it's Iowa!"? Well, most of the time I feel like one would ask "Is this hell? No, it's Iowa" I would say! No offense to those of you who live here & love it... but it's just not for me anymore! Sure, it has it's moments & it's wonder & incredible people but right now it's cold & everything looks dead & it's hard not to feel dead inside too!

I will say that this morning was beautiful! It really was! Perhaps it was because this was the first morning I have left the house in 3 days! I know, that's terrible! But I've been sick & my daughter is sick & it's cold outside so why brave it if you don't have to?! The trees were all covered in ice, poor trees. But, it's beautiful- it's my favorite kind of winter morning! A picture perfect winter morning! Now it's noon & I'm over it!!!

Perhaps the only thing worse than being sick in the middle of winter is being sick with a sick child. I always wondered how parents did it. I'm a horrible sick person; I'm such a baby! Now, I still wonder! I wouldn't be able to do it without help from my parents! Those days when you just feel like you could die, your head is pounding, your body aching, you're so exhausted you can hardly get out of bed to pee! Then to top it off, you've got a baby who feels the same way & only wants her mom. Ugh! I still don't know how we make it through! Maybe it helps if that baby has two parents who can take turns, but that is simply not the case here! I really, really don't know how the women do it, the women who have no one, no family or good friends or partners to help out. Ah, the strength of a woman! As for the men... that's a whole other blog!!!