rainy days

Oh sakes- it's been raining here for days. I don't remember the last warm, sunny day of spring! This morning- I had every intention to go do yoga... I have to go somewhere to do it because my daughter never really naps- consistently anyways! She's consistently inconsistent with nearly everything! I suppose that's to be expected at her age... and well, she IS my daughter so I guess that's just to be expected!!;) Anyhow, I didn't leave! J & I stayed in our pj's & read books & it was really wonderful! She does this thing where she wraps her hands around my neck & snuggles up & I tell you -my heart absolutely melts. It's so true -the love you have for your children is unlike any you've ever known.

I've had a couple of random (if you believe in random) conversations about children the last couple of days. One of our elementary schools is closing... the one I went to. The town is kind of going to shit. It's pretty sad. It's the basics that are important... creativity & honesty & math & spelling & art & conversation & love. These things seem to be missing. I wonder how there are so many children out there without families- without people who love them. I wonder how there are so many children out there without fathers & how those fathers continue to live with themselves. I wonder how we are ever going to 'solve' these situations. I wonder what the planet will look like in 3o years when my daughter starts having children. I wonder what religion will look like, will there be trees left, will people know their own families, will there be enough food for everyone, will those with food learn to share? Sometimes I get those feelings back- the ones I had in my early 20's & I think- I want to save the world! The only difference is that back then I had faith & now I feel jaded! I'd give anything to have that innocence & sensitivity & faith that people are mostly good back.

People aren't perfect. I'm far from it. I think though, that I expect a great deal more out of people than I should? Or maybe I expect more than they can give? I'm not sure- either way though, I'm terribly disappointed most of the time. I've heard it said that the thing you can't stand about someone else is only a reflection of something you can't stand about yourself. ...I really hate this saying! It's such a bummer. I'm beginning to think that I need to be stronger- in so many ways! ...that seems to be my major let down these days. I expect people, mostly men, to be stronger, to be better & they're just not. Maybe I'm just not. I'm working on it; I'm trying. Maybe they're trying too? I just lose compassion at a certain point!

Signs. I used to believe in signs too. These days, I'm not so sure. I keep looking for places to live & I'm not finding anything. Am I being to picky? Am I so scared to make a move that the fear is paralyzing me from taking that next big step? Am I right where I need to be so the Universe is against me taking any big steps quite yet? It's all so exhausting! I'm not used to being unhappy. I used to feel pretty content with my life. I mean, I've always wanted more. I've always thought the grass was greener. I've always wanted so many different things in so many different places that I never could pick a path or set a goal. But, I was at least happy. What's happened? How do we get back to the simple things? How do we just be thankful, sincerely thankful for what we have instead of pissed off about all the things we don't have?

These are the kinds of things that run though my head on rainy days. I love rainy days & thunderstorms. But, after a day or two I just get depressed & start to ponder things so heavily that I can convince everyone around me that I'm in this deep, dark hole & there's no getting out... ever!!! ...it's quite an accomplishment!;)
I suppose mama said there'd be days like this!!!