Changes

Well it's been over a year. My baby met her "daddy", we moved to California, and I turned 30. A lot of really big changes! Yet as I read over my last entry... it pretty much sums it all up! So, where to start? Or, where to go from here? I'm writing again thanks to a suggestion from my best friend who's brilliant so i thought- what the hell... I'll try again!
My daughter has changed and grown so much as has our relationship. She's a genius and the most amazing human I've ever met. I love living in California. Minus the business, how insanely expensive it it, the smog, and the fact that I don't have any family nearby. I also love being 30. Though, as I near 31- my throat gets a little tight & my body aches a bit more! I feel like I'm finally starting to come into myself... finally! I'm starting to be ok with me! I even like me! Sometimes, it feels like I'm the only one but I'm certain that's not true! I still haven't met the love of my life (as in a male partner) and I wait & look for him everyday the same way I check into Soul Scapes every day to see if they've finally gotten my favorite incense in yet.
I did meet an amazing woman & chiropractor in Del Mar. She's helped us both with our physical health but also with our/ my emotional health! I've been doing more yoga ...not as much as I should seeing as to how I live in one of the great yoga meccas of the US! But, doing more yoga- reading more, trying to be patient with myself, be generous & compassionate & understanding and through all the bullshit- love.
The 'shoulds' -why 'should' we do or not do anything- ever?! And the being patient with ourselves... this is so huge. We're so patient with other people in our lives... mostly with small children and animals- but why are we so hard on ourselves? Why do we place limits on ourselves when we should break wide open and flow freely like the ocean? Why are we all so scared? How do we connect with one another or stay connected with fear in the way? How do we shift all this pointless fear into love- into something good we can do or be? There is a quote by Brian Andreas (who I love) :"I once had a garden filled with flowers that grew only on dark thoughts- but they needed constant attention and one day I decided I had better things to do." I still give those dark thoughts more attention than they deserve! But, hey- I'm working on it!!! I'm so fed up with dudes. I try so hard to stay positive but it's one moron after another!! Harsh, i know but pulease... it's ridiculous! Then, of course, I have to look at who I am and what I portray and why the same cycles continue. It recently dawned on me though- thanks to a conversation with a good friend- that there are nice people in the world. I had forgotten & that's weird because my friends and family are really nice people. But, I forget that there are good, honest people who want to be there- to help- to listen- to walk along the same path- to share a good conversation... i think they're all selfish assholes! ...I may have just answered my own question!!;) I have to keep believing people are good.
Ok, so- one day at a time... this is the way change happens- one small step and then another. and, when there are things we're unhappy with- we must do what we can to change them, or to change our perspective but change is constant so must we continuously keep moving- as slowly or subtly as we may... keep going.
I'll try to write something every day- mostly to keep myself off facebook & do something productive!;) At least 3 times a week... I promise!