Stand your ground!

Well, oh my- we made it through the birthday festivities! So much has happened & I wonder why I wait so long to write!?! I have a million & a half things running through my mind all the time & I can't find time to write any of it down!

it started a few weekends ago when my aunt so graciously offered to watch my baby girl. J hasn't stayed with her in a very long time. So, naturally, I was talking to my aunt about the things she eats/ doesn't, what she drinks, how much, nap times, the important stuff! If you know me at all, you know I'm not super strict! And, you know that I can take a joke & I'm fairly easy going about most things. Wellll... so my aunt starts joking about feeding J some doritos & Mt. Dew & chocolate milk & other junk food. Then she tells my other aunt how I was freaking out about nap times ...I wish I could go into detail here but #1 it's long & ridiculous #2 it still really pisses me off! But she goes on to say that I can just leave & what I don't know won't hurt me & she can handle this- she has a kid & she practically raised me!

J likes to feed herself so I make her organic spelt or buckwheat pancakes with vegetables, applesauce, bananas, frozen fruit... things like this. She drinks organic milk b/c I'm freaked out by all the hormones! So, for me to even think about my daughters tiny little body trying to digest Mt. Dew is like a nightmare! Anyways, I laughed at first until she wouldn't give it up... I nearly cried. I nearly cried & told her that this is important to me & if she can't respect that than I'll not have my daughter spending time with her.

You might not think that's a very big deal... but it was! For some reason, I am still not expected to have opinions or a voice which is weird but I'm realizing this about my family! They always think they know best & as long as you agree with them you're good to go but challenge them & *gasp* eat vegetables... you're a freak!

Now, for her birthday, I bought all compostable & recyclable tableware & hand made the decorations. j had an organic, vegan carrot cake (which i frosted with 'real' sugar!!) & I had a good variety of healthy & not so healthy treats. This was a pretty big deal apparently! I'm not sure why it bothers them or that they had to mention anything! What's so wrong with trying to help the planet a little bit? It is my gift to my child who has to live on this beautiful Earth for the next 90 years or so.. God willing!

Now, onto the Dr. for our one year check up! Vaccinations! Oh my! I had no idea that this was such a touchy subject! To make a long story short... we're looking for our 3rd pediatrician. Most Dr.s won't take you if you don't fully vaccinate your children at 2,4, & 6 months. If you find one's that will be flexible, you still have to start by one. I'm not even totally opposed to all of them. In fact, J has one of her shots in full. It's just that I stay home with her, for the most part, & we don't travel much or eat out so I don't feel it necessary to start her on all these toxins at such an early age. And, why wouldn't i want her immune system to have a chance! ...amongst the many other reasons! The big deal here is that the Dr. was a HUGE B with a bad itch! She yelled at me, reprimanded me, told me I could pick which one I wanted to give her but I HAD to choose on... which one was it going to be? I told her neither & I didn't appreciate being talked to like that & she told me to find a new Dr. & stormed out of the room. Wow! I was floored! What really gets me is a.) that i was able to stand my ground like that & b.) what if I hadn't been an educated adult? What if I had been your run of the mill... do people expect to be treated like that by their physicians? Do most people think that they don't have a say in their health care? Do most people just go by what the Dr. says... assuming they know best? And why do we, as parents, not have a say in our childrens health & well being? Why is it up to the government to make these decisions for us? I understand the ups & downs of it all & I can see the horrific things we might encounter if we did not have these vaccinations. And, I am thankful to live in a place where I don't have to worry about these diseases & that there are vaccinations available. However, at the end of the day, if I don't think my child is at risk, if I have weighed all the options, if I have done my research, shouldn't it be my decision & shouldn't I be supported in that decision by my health care provider?! ARG UGH... blah!

Our health is our responsibility. Our home, our bodies, our planet... these are our responsibilities too. These are our choices. We have to know what we stand for, we have to know what is important to us & then we have to take a stand & stand our ground against our family, friends, physicians, or whoever!

Life & Death

As my daughter nears one year... I've been thinking about her life & how her life gave my life purpose. Also, as this time approaches, I've been sitting with my uncle as he faces his death. I read a meditation the other day... about how life & death are two in the same. when there is a death of a part of us, there is a new life to us too. Does this make sense? When my daughter was born... an old part of me, old habits, old thought patterns, old ways of life... those things sort of died. perhaps I can explain myself a little better:
"I had seen birth and death,
But had thought they were different; this Brith was
Hard and bitter agony for us, like Death, our death.
We returned to our places, these Kingdoms,
But no longer at ease here, in the old dispensation..."
-T.S. Elliot

"by the time we actually arrive at the decision to let go of something, we shall "be glad of another death." When we are ready to let go, we will do so with relief..." From Meditations from the Mat

So, I've been stuck on this one. I keep thinking about it, keep coming back to it. There are so many old habits & patterns I want to let go of - so much of me that is ready to let go of these things that tie me down & hold me back & to move forward free & happy & healthy. For some reason, I keep clinging to these old patterns. I keep living in the same place, put little effort into my business, I'm not the person, the friend, the daughter, the sister, or most importantly, the mother I want to be. Baby steps I keep telling myself. And, sleep deprivation plays a serious part in all of this- I know! A fact that should be recognized but not used as an excuse!

A few nights ago, I spent the night in the Hospice house with my uncle who is dying of cancer. He is fighting for his life. I'm not sure if he thinks he's going to beat this or if he doesn't have faith in anything so he's terrified of letting go or what the situation is. I don't fear death so I don't get it. That being said- please God, please don't make me go out like that. Cancer is the most horrendous thing. I'm not sure why we haven't found a cure for it. Perhaps it's the way we live our lives- that prevention is our cure? I truly believe that we have to find balance in mind, body, & soul. I'm not saying that that balance will prevent us from cancer- but I am certain it will help us to live better lives.
Have you ever spent time in a Hospice house? I'm not sure how those nurses do it. The whole place feels kind of heavy, like death. There was a woman down the hall crying out in agony & confusion all night. My uncle was miserable, in pain, vomiting, sleepless... My heart just breaks for him. And for my family. I don't think anyone is really able to deal with this or process just exactly what it is that's happening. There are 6 kids in that family & they all had to watch their parents struggle & die of cancer about 30 years ago... there are many layers to this.

I will get to my point here. I don't want to die like that. Most importantly, I don't want to live like this. We can't control how we die. We can, to some extent, control how we live. It might take a little discipline, a little faith, a lot of grace, a bunch of trust, quiet time, laughter, and above all things- love. Love for self & for others & for all living things.

If you have your health it seems you're able to pray for a million different things. If you don't have your health, it seems the only things we can pray for is our health! So, why did I just eat that box of girlscout cookies, drink that extra cup of coffee that I know will make me jittery, spend an extra hour dinking around on the computer, watching The Young & the Restless... doing these things that don't really matter or give me great pleasure. I mean, if I were to die right now, is this how I'd want to go... on the computer instead of laughing & playing with my daughter?

Ok, just to clarify... there's nothing wrong with a little time on the computer, a little coffee, or a cookie or two. But, when these things take up most of your day & make you numb to the things that really matter- we've got to make changes. I'd rather be reading a book, enjoying a nice cup of tea, doing an hour of yoga than getting an extra hour of sleep, taking a bath than watching the Young & the Restless... (most days, but I really do love it- guilty pleasure, please don't judge me!). So if I want to be doing these things... why am I not?

Food& exercise play such a large role in our energy levels, mood, & overall health. With just a little bit of discipline & a few changes in lifestyle, I could be so much happier. Why do I continue to live this way? It's driving me mad!
Getting back to the quote... the new ways have been paved. I am nearing this death of my old patterns but I just can't quite seem to make them die. I suppose it is a gradual thing & it's going to take practice on my end. Dang it! Yesterday I swore I would start making changes to live a healthier life. Today I started my period, my computer died & I fought with the people from Dell for an hour, ate 6 thin mint cookies with my morning coffee.... But then my best friend called & things started to look up! it's all about perspective!

Is there life out there?

I'm pretty sure that's a song by Reba!!

I've got my coffee & Pandora rocking & a few brief moments to write! I just finished reading my dear friends blog & it's one of my favorite things to do, other than to be with her in person or even to talk with her on the phone! She has a way with words. She has a heart & a sense of adventure unlike any other. She talks of rainbows & old cookbooks & gardening... & my heart leaps with gratitude to have a friend like this & I feel myself starting to dream a little & feeling a little bit more like myself!

I crave a little stability. I wonder a lot these days about the things that I'm supposed to do & the resistance I meet in doing them. I feel like everyone is trying to get me to move to Des Moines but I feel like I can't breathe when I think about it- like I want to dig my heels in the ground & stand firm & throw a fit if I have to but dang it- I refuse to settle in Iowa & build a life here! So I ask why? There is a great community of very supportive people here. I have my family here. It's affordable to live here... it really does have it's moments! And, it's supposed to get up to 35 degrees today!!! I want to put my feet somewhere. I want that stability. I just don't want it here. I somehow know that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be for the moment though & it's driving my crazy! I dream of Hawaii & of Colorado & of time with good friends... yet I sit here. So as I sit here, I try to remind myself that all in due time! Things are unfolding as they should & I am where I need to be. Ugh!

I know my calling. I am almost certain I know what it is! I am supposed to do massage & body work & energy work & teach yoga. The massage part I am doing. The daily meditation I am not. I love my yoga mat. It's my favorite place in the world... next to being with my daughter & the ocean! For some reason I am stalling so big & so bad & I don't know why. I have been practicing for over 10 years. People have wanted me to start classes but I lack the confidence. Now, I am taking a teacher training & I can't get myself to really participate. A part of me wants to jump into these books & onto that mat & stay for a few days. Another part of me just doesn't have the time & I find myself doing laundry or searching the web or planning my daughters birthday party, making her tutu, baking cookies, anything really instead of diving into that delicious yoga material.

I read in "Meditations from the Mat" the other day that "You can renounce bananas all you like, but if you continue to live in your banana home on your banana street, if you keep your job at the banana warehouse & hang out with your banana-gobbling friends, you'll be eating bananas before you know it." "Practice is doing the work. It is following up your intention with action."

So true. Get to work now. Quit stalling. How are we to stay true to ourselves when we don't know who we really are? How are we to know who we really are if we don't spend anytime in meditation or prayer? The world moves at a fast pace & it's all very loud. We need that slow, quiet time each day. It is vital to our growth.

Baby daddy drama

Today is Tuesday. I'm exhausted! My daughter was sleeping through the night... it lasted about a week & a 1/2 & then it was over. I was doing really well there for a bit! I'd get up & practice yoga & get things sorted out for the day & start coffee & breakfast so that when J woke up we could just eat & then play for a bit. It's amazing what 90 extra minutes in the morning can do! It really can change your life!!!

Things were seeming really clear. I had come to terms with being here in Iowa- not forever, but for now. I was practicing gratitude & being thankful for where I'm at & all that I have. But, a few nights without sleep, allowing myself to give into those cravings for cookies & coffee, not having more than 45 minutes during the day to myself, and a 6 hour conversation with my baby daddy... I have fallen off the wagon!

Lets start with the baby daddy conversation! Conversation #1 was great! We talked for 3 hours & it was like when we first met. We had so much fun talking about everything & nothing & dreaming. His dreams give me breath. Most anyone in my close circle of friends dream's give me breath. (did that make sense?!) It's like I've forgotten the ability to dream myself. Like I'm too tired & nothing seems possible anymore. So, I'll stay where I am b/c it's a safe place & everyone here loves my little girl so much that it would be horrendous of me to take her away. Ok, back on track here... we had a great conversation! He's finally going to take the paternity test, though he says he already knows the outcome! He says he wants to visit soon- like within the next couple of weeks. I hold on to hope that he'll be here for her first birthday. Sometimes I don't know why. Sometimes I know I need to tell him to fuck off! But I think it's because I have an amazing father & step-father & I feel like it's her right to know hers. When a child is born- there are 2 people who are supposed to love him or her unconditionally forever & ever & be there every step of the way. I know that this doesn't happen for every child... but it should.

Conversation #2: a complete 180! So weird. He was like a totally different person. He was a little angry & violent & really sad & all these things that were SO unlike the first guy I had talked to. I would have assumed he was really drunk but can alcohol make you go from 0 - 60 in 3.2?! I've had my fair share of experience with it & I know it can alter one a great deal but this was too weird. Anyways, I let him talk for almost another 3 hours. I think a part of me just wanted to see what would happen. I notice how I let him affect my mood too. After our first conversation- I felt all was right with the world, that everything happens for a reason & God will see us through. After conversation #2, I felt I was being taken advantage of & walked all over & that he would never get his shit together & if I don't run away now we'll be in for heartache after heartache.

So, I find myself standing back again. I've got to find my strength again. I've got to do this on my own. I can't allow myself to even think or dream of having any help along the way because then my mind drifts to all the what if's I just can't handle those right now. I've got to focus on the what is! I'm hanging on by a thread! I'll make it! I'll come back roaring & fighting & dancing with grace & beauty & strength because I've got the most amazing little girl & she deserves that!

For now, I'm going to take advantage of these next 20 or so minutes I have left & get on my mat!