Things were seeming really clear. I had come to terms with being here in Iowa- not forever, but for now. I was practicing gratitude & being thankful for where I'm at & all that I have. But, a few nights without sleep, allowing myself to give into those cravings for cookies & coffee, not having more than 45 minutes during the day to myself, and a 6 hour conversation with my baby daddy... I have fallen off the wagon!
Lets start with the baby daddy conversation! Conversation #1 was great! We talked for 3 hours & it was like when we first met. We had so much fun talking about everything & nothing & dreaming. His dreams give me breath. Most anyone in my close circle of friends dream's give me breath. (did that make sense?!) It's like I've forgotten the ability to dream myself. Like I'm too tired & nothing seems possible anymore. So, I'll stay where I am b/c it's a safe place & everyone here loves my little girl so much that it would be horrendous of me to take her away. Ok, back on track here... we had a great conversation! He's finally going to take the paternity test, though he says he already knows the outcome! He says he wants to visit soon- like within the next couple of weeks. I hold on to hope that he'll be here for her first birthday. Sometimes I don't know why. Sometimes I know I need to tell him to fuck off! But I think it's because I have an amazing father & step-father & I feel like it's her right to know hers. When a child is born- there are 2 people who are supposed to love him or her unconditionally forever & ever & be there every step of the way. I know that this doesn't happen for every child... but it should.
Conversation #2: a complete 180! So weird. He was like a totally different person. He was a little angry & violent & really sad & all these things that were SO unlike the first guy I had talked to. I would have assumed he was really drunk but can alcohol make you go from 0 - 60 in 3.2?! I've had my fair share of experience with it & I know it can alter one a great deal but this was too weird. Anyways, I let him talk for almost another 3 hours. I think a part of me just wanted to see what would happen. I notice how I let him affect my mood too. After our first conversation- I felt all was right with the world, that everything happens for a reason & God will see us through. After conversation #2, I felt I was being taken advantage of & walked all over & that he would never get his shit together & if I don't run away now we'll be in for heartache after heartache.
So, I find myself standing back again. I've got to find my strength again. I've got to do this on my own. I can't allow myself to even think or dream of having any help along the way because then my mind drifts to all the what if's I just can't handle those right now. I've got to focus on the what is! I'm hanging on by a thread! I'll make it! I'll come back roaring & fighting & dancing with grace & beauty & strength because I've got the most amazing little girl & she deserves that!
For now, I'm going to take advantage of these next 20 or so minutes I have left & get on my mat!
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