Life & Death

As my daughter nears one year... I've been thinking about her life & how her life gave my life purpose. Also, as this time approaches, I've been sitting with my uncle as he faces his death. I read a meditation the other day... about how life & death are two in the same. when there is a death of a part of us, there is a new life to us too. Does this make sense? When my daughter was born... an old part of me, old habits, old thought patterns, old ways of life... those things sort of died. perhaps I can explain myself a little better:
"I had seen birth and death,
But had thought they were different; this Brith was
Hard and bitter agony for us, like Death, our death.
We returned to our places, these Kingdoms,
But no longer at ease here, in the old dispensation..."
-T.S. Elliot

"by the time we actually arrive at the decision to let go of something, we shall "be glad of another death." When we are ready to let go, we will do so with relief..." From Meditations from the Mat

So, I've been stuck on this one. I keep thinking about it, keep coming back to it. There are so many old habits & patterns I want to let go of - so much of me that is ready to let go of these things that tie me down & hold me back & to move forward free & happy & healthy. For some reason, I keep clinging to these old patterns. I keep living in the same place, put little effort into my business, I'm not the person, the friend, the daughter, the sister, or most importantly, the mother I want to be. Baby steps I keep telling myself. And, sleep deprivation plays a serious part in all of this- I know! A fact that should be recognized but not used as an excuse!

A few nights ago, I spent the night in the Hospice house with my uncle who is dying of cancer. He is fighting for his life. I'm not sure if he thinks he's going to beat this or if he doesn't have faith in anything so he's terrified of letting go or what the situation is. I don't fear death so I don't get it. That being said- please God, please don't make me go out like that. Cancer is the most horrendous thing. I'm not sure why we haven't found a cure for it. Perhaps it's the way we live our lives- that prevention is our cure? I truly believe that we have to find balance in mind, body, & soul. I'm not saying that that balance will prevent us from cancer- but I am certain it will help us to live better lives.
Have you ever spent time in a Hospice house? I'm not sure how those nurses do it. The whole place feels kind of heavy, like death. There was a woman down the hall crying out in agony & confusion all night. My uncle was miserable, in pain, vomiting, sleepless... My heart just breaks for him. And for my family. I don't think anyone is really able to deal with this or process just exactly what it is that's happening. There are 6 kids in that family & they all had to watch their parents struggle & die of cancer about 30 years ago... there are many layers to this.

I will get to my point here. I don't want to die like that. Most importantly, I don't want to live like this. We can't control how we die. We can, to some extent, control how we live. It might take a little discipline, a little faith, a lot of grace, a bunch of trust, quiet time, laughter, and above all things- love. Love for self & for others & for all living things.

If you have your health it seems you're able to pray for a million different things. If you don't have your health, it seems the only things we can pray for is our health! So, why did I just eat that box of girlscout cookies, drink that extra cup of coffee that I know will make me jittery, spend an extra hour dinking around on the computer, watching The Young & the Restless... doing these things that don't really matter or give me great pleasure. I mean, if I were to die right now, is this how I'd want to go... on the computer instead of laughing & playing with my daughter?

Ok, just to clarify... there's nothing wrong with a little time on the computer, a little coffee, or a cookie or two. But, when these things take up most of your day & make you numb to the things that really matter- we've got to make changes. I'd rather be reading a book, enjoying a nice cup of tea, doing an hour of yoga than getting an extra hour of sleep, taking a bath than watching the Young & the Restless... (most days, but I really do love it- guilty pleasure, please don't judge me!). So if I want to be doing these things... why am I not?

Food& exercise play such a large role in our energy levels, mood, & overall health. With just a little bit of discipline & a few changes in lifestyle, I could be so much happier. Why do I continue to live this way? It's driving me mad!
Getting back to the quote... the new ways have been paved. I am nearing this death of my old patterns but I just can't quite seem to make them die. I suppose it is a gradual thing & it's going to take practice on my end. Dang it! Yesterday I swore I would start making changes to live a healthier life. Today I started my period, my computer died & I fought with the people from Dell for an hour, ate 6 thin mint cookies with my morning coffee.... But then my best friend called & things started to look up! it's all about perspective!