tattoos.

This morning I woke up and wondered what the hell I'd written last night... after too much wine! I was in a terrible mood. J woke up in a terrible mood too. She cried all morning "I want mommy" "no work mommy." It broke my heart... and then kind of annoyed me!! Poor thing- she's got to wonder what the heck is going on. I know what a mess I am & kids feed off that more than we know so I try to find compassion & be patient... for both of us!
I finally got her to the sitters & was driving to work when an anger grew in me so deep-seeded, so strong that it actually came out in a growl of sorts that honestly scared me! ...yet at the same time, I was kind of impressed!
I spent the first 1/2 of the day just wishing I was at my moms house & could take the day off! I also drank too much coffee & forgot my phone.. that thing is like a life-line! Pathetic, I know, but it's tough when you are without it for the whole day.. what am I 'missing out' on?!
I didn't have a client the first hour so I folded a lot of laundry. I folded laundry & stewed in my exhaustion & misery & tried to think of the last time I had fun! ..I've had some really good times, good conversations, laughs with friends, toddler giggles, good hugs, comfortable, cozy moments... but I'm talking like FUN- like cut-loose, no holding back, just a crazy good time... it's been a while! This made me think -I really need to make me happy again & have some dang fun!!
And then a few of the girls came in talking about their new tattoos and I thought- it's a dang good thing I'm a mom and don't have the money for those things right now because I'd be covered in them! I planned it all out- the Rumi quote on my L side Ribs, the momma elephant with a patch of tiger print on her butt ..tail holding her baby's trunk, the word 'love' on my tri in the shape of a heart that goes around my elbow, the monarch on the underside of my arm with the eye of a tiger & the words 'let it be' and then something on my forearm.. but I ran out of time!
Then I thought about tattoos. I love them. I don't really need anymore... as I age I start to worry more about how they'll look in 40 years! And, honestly, there aren't that many things I need to permanently mark me. But it's interesting- what all those things mean to me. And then the placement of them and what that means. Someone told me once that tattoos were signs of hurt. Out here- people have tattoos all over themselves so I hope that's not true.
So, while I will refrain from any more tattoos at this point, it was an interesting morning of reflection!
And, by the end of the day, after a few good massages, a few sun-salutations, some deep breaths of fresh air, some sunshine... I was feeling pretty good.
I'm still homesick. But, I know if I were there I'd be homesick for here. So, I just keep on- one day at a time. And choosing happiness... choosing love.

Is there life out there...

When I was younger I heard the song by Reba McEntire; I think that's when it started! Reba happened to be the first live concert I saw. I believe that "Fancy" was my favorite song of hers at the time- but this one hit me hard when I heard it.
"She married, when she was 20, she thought she was ready, now she's not so sure...  she thought she'd done some living, now she's just wondering what she's living for, she's wondering if there's something more... She's done what she should, should she do what she dares...  She's always lived for tomorrow, she's never learned how to live for today. she's dying to try something foolish, do something crazy, or just get away... ooh, something for herself for a change... there's a place in the sun that she's never been where life is fair and time is her friend, would she do it the same as she did back then... Is there life out there- so much she hasn't done, is there life beyond her family & her home.
Well, without quoting the entire song! ...I'll just say I've always had this fear of settling and this notion that there's more out there. I swore to myself once that I would have to prove to myself that I could make it out in this great big world by myself before getting married and having kids. And, for some reason, it seemed to me like everyone just kind of quit or gave up on life's great adventure & I didn't want to be one of those people either. I didn't want to just get married to a nice guy who would work a meaningless job to provide a home so we can have some kids & take them to soccer & buy them things. (I don't really know where I got the idea that that's what my life would have to amount to... I think it's weird I think like that! Or that that's what really happens or that jobs are meaningless.. it's just a childish perspective! And, honestly, I wouldn't mind that life -some of the time!!) Meanwhile, I've always looked for some man to come sweep me off my feet & rescue me. I've learned through the years that no one can rescue me. I've also learned that I think I've proved myself enough.
 I have recently realized how instead of looking at my life- I throw myself into everyone elses'- whether it's by facebook or emails or letters or phone calls or pinterest or whatever. I have also learned that I'm not missing out. I mean, wherever you are- you're missing out on something! But, if you're truly in your moment, in your life, you're not missing out on anything because everything you need is in that moment you're living!
Now I'm torn between the comfort of being close to family & a life of new adventure. Either way, life is an adventure and we learn and grow if we choose- wherever we are. I SO admire the people who can stay where they are-in the jobs & relationships they have, and continue to grow and find themselves and be happy. We've got to live- wherever we are, make ourselves happy wherever. Still, I find myself listening to songs like these tonight... hoping for a sign!!!;)
Mary May & Bobby
California life alone is just too hard to build... 
...Somehow she always knew she had the strength inside, even if she fell- she'd survive...Inspite of all the tears she may cry, this is how she has to live her life. As hard as it might be, she had to find out for herself...
...she's nobodys girl...
And reading signs like these:
You're NOT missing out...
The grass is always greener... if it's greener, you might need to spend some time in your own yard.
Wherever you go, there you are.
Get out of your head and into your body!
Do something for yourself that does not involve technology.

*side-note.. I found this one in my 'draft' box! Wrote it 21 days ago!! Thought I'd post it anyhow!!!

be willing

We must be willing to get rid of the life we have planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

So, it was a week ago yesterday that I had my house packed up and my daughter all ready & we were set to move half way across the country... we were headed home. I'd been going back and forth on the idea since we got to California- a lot more seriously this past December, and then a month ago the idea arose again and I decided to go. I could list 100 reasons why I want(ed) to go back to Iowa; every logical thought, every bit of reason points to us going back there. Not to mention all the fun goings on this summer!
So Monday I woke up, took in a deep breath, looked at my daughter, and knew somewhere deep inside me that going was not the best idea. I couldn't do it. So, I said a prayer & asked that if I was really meant to go- god, please do something to push me out of this state! So, I called about my apartment- they said I could have it back. I called about my job- yes, I could have it back. The sitter even said she could help out for the next couple of weeks. So... shit. I'm staying.
Now, I really like our life here- I have good friends and I really like my job, I love the ocean and that we're so close to so many fabulous places. I love that my sister lives in this state and that people like to visit us here! I like that there are so many kid-friendly activities and that the weather is nearly always getting us outside!
Still- the reasons to go to Iowa FAR outweighed the reasons to stay. But there was just this little voice, this little knowing... this is where I'm meant to be- for now anyways. So, I've been doing some soul-searching. I've gone looking for this voice, tried to sit with and listen to this voice, ran like hell from this voice, tried to drown this voice, begged for some clarity from this voice... and then eventually, I just go to bed!!
I think the situation is that I've grown up thinking I would have a certain kind of life- that I'd be a certain kind of person. And, in my mind- I think I'm a different kind of person than I actually am!! I know what I want- but I think I believe that the only way to have what I want is to be in Iowa because that's all I know. Also, I have a way of getting lost in other peoples lives, ideas, emotions. So, I want to be there to have family dinners (the kind that go differently in my head than they do in reality... even though they're still fabulous!), and for birthday parties and weddings and concerts and short road-trips. I want to be there so that my daughter can know her grandparents & her family & that she will grow up with a simple life full of things that genuinely matter. I want these things even more so when I talk to friends & family that want the same things...
Fear is a very tricky thing. When you come to the crossroads of all you've known and all you've dreamt & you get to that point where you have to take a leap, to do the work, to practice discipline to grow- to be who you are and not who you think you should be -or even want to be- but just who you are ...when you come to this place- it gets scary here and it's hard to move forward when you don't feel well- equipped.
But, I'm here. I feel scared here, and alone...like I want to run home to my mom! But that won't do me much good in the long run! I have a LOT of work to do here and it's going to be really hard. I have to figure out what I want and who I am. When I'm here- I ache for friends and family and for doing the fun things they're doing. But eventually, I'll be grateful for it all but ache for new adventures out West. This is my pattern... Iowa, out West, back to Iowa, back West... and so forth. So for now, even though I reeeally want to be in Iowa and I reeeally miss my friends & family there, I know I have to be here. I have to find a way to be happy in myself, love and know who I am, what I have to offer, what I deserve, and then how to be healthy and truly take care of myself. 
It's time to break old patterns and old ways of doing things- open myself up to change and newness and love. To breathe deeply and honor myself and to find the courage it takes to heal. They say it's not good to make big life decisions when you're tired! So, I'm going to give it a bit more of a go. I've got to start living here instead of surviving. I've got to learn to be more compassionate and forgiving of myself and grateful for what is. Let it be, let it be...
So, staying put but off on a new adventure ... here goes nothing!!
xoxo