tattoos.

This morning I woke up and wondered what the hell I'd written last night... after too much wine! I was in a terrible mood. J woke up in a terrible mood too. She cried all morning "I want mommy" "no work mommy." It broke my heart... and then kind of annoyed me!! Poor thing- she's got to wonder what the heck is going on. I know what a mess I am & kids feed off that more than we know so I try to find compassion & be patient... for both of us!
I finally got her to the sitters & was driving to work when an anger grew in me so deep-seeded, so strong that it actually came out in a growl of sorts that honestly scared me! ...yet at the same time, I was kind of impressed!
I spent the first 1/2 of the day just wishing I was at my moms house & could take the day off! I also drank too much coffee & forgot my phone.. that thing is like a life-line! Pathetic, I know, but it's tough when you are without it for the whole day.. what am I 'missing out' on?!
I didn't have a client the first hour so I folded a lot of laundry. I folded laundry & stewed in my exhaustion & misery & tried to think of the last time I had fun! ..I've had some really good times, good conversations, laughs with friends, toddler giggles, good hugs, comfortable, cozy moments... but I'm talking like FUN- like cut-loose, no holding back, just a crazy good time... it's been a while! This made me think -I really need to make me happy again & have some dang fun!!
And then a few of the girls came in talking about their new tattoos and I thought- it's a dang good thing I'm a mom and don't have the money for those things right now because I'd be covered in them! I planned it all out- the Rumi quote on my L side Ribs, the momma elephant with a patch of tiger print on her butt ..tail holding her baby's trunk, the word 'love' on my tri in the shape of a heart that goes around my elbow, the monarch on the underside of my arm with the eye of a tiger & the words 'let it be' and then something on my forearm.. but I ran out of time!
Then I thought about tattoos. I love them. I don't really need anymore... as I age I start to worry more about how they'll look in 40 years! And, honestly, there aren't that many things I need to permanently mark me. But it's interesting- what all those things mean to me. And then the placement of them and what that means. Someone told me once that tattoos were signs of hurt. Out here- people have tattoos all over themselves so I hope that's not true.
So, while I will refrain from any more tattoos at this point, it was an interesting morning of reflection!
And, by the end of the day, after a few good massages, a few sun-salutations, some deep breaths of fresh air, some sunshine... I was feeling pretty good.
I'm still homesick. But, I know if I were there I'd be homesick for here. So, I just keep on- one day at a time. And choosing happiness... choosing love.