be willing

We must be willing to get rid of the life we have planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

So, it was a week ago yesterday that I had my house packed up and my daughter all ready & we were set to move half way across the country... we were headed home. I'd been going back and forth on the idea since we got to California- a lot more seriously this past December, and then a month ago the idea arose again and I decided to go. I could list 100 reasons why I want(ed) to go back to Iowa; every logical thought, every bit of reason points to us going back there. Not to mention all the fun goings on this summer!
So Monday I woke up, took in a deep breath, looked at my daughter, and knew somewhere deep inside me that going was not the best idea. I couldn't do it. So, I said a prayer & asked that if I was really meant to go- god, please do something to push me out of this state! So, I called about my apartment- they said I could have it back. I called about my job- yes, I could have it back. The sitter even said she could help out for the next couple of weeks. So... shit. I'm staying.
Now, I really like our life here- I have good friends and I really like my job, I love the ocean and that we're so close to so many fabulous places. I love that my sister lives in this state and that people like to visit us here! I like that there are so many kid-friendly activities and that the weather is nearly always getting us outside!
Still- the reasons to go to Iowa FAR outweighed the reasons to stay. But there was just this little voice, this little knowing... this is where I'm meant to be- for now anyways. So, I've been doing some soul-searching. I've gone looking for this voice, tried to sit with and listen to this voice, ran like hell from this voice, tried to drown this voice, begged for some clarity from this voice... and then eventually, I just go to bed!!
I think the situation is that I've grown up thinking I would have a certain kind of life- that I'd be a certain kind of person. And, in my mind- I think I'm a different kind of person than I actually am!! I know what I want- but I think I believe that the only way to have what I want is to be in Iowa because that's all I know. Also, I have a way of getting lost in other peoples lives, ideas, emotions. So, I want to be there to have family dinners (the kind that go differently in my head than they do in reality... even though they're still fabulous!), and for birthday parties and weddings and concerts and short road-trips. I want to be there so that my daughter can know her grandparents & her family & that she will grow up with a simple life full of things that genuinely matter. I want these things even more so when I talk to friends & family that want the same things...
Fear is a very tricky thing. When you come to the crossroads of all you've known and all you've dreamt & you get to that point where you have to take a leap, to do the work, to practice discipline to grow- to be who you are and not who you think you should be -or even want to be- but just who you are ...when you come to this place- it gets scary here and it's hard to move forward when you don't feel well- equipped.
But, I'm here. I feel scared here, and alone...like I want to run home to my mom! But that won't do me much good in the long run! I have a LOT of work to do here and it's going to be really hard. I have to figure out what I want and who I am. When I'm here- I ache for friends and family and for doing the fun things they're doing. But eventually, I'll be grateful for it all but ache for new adventures out West. This is my pattern... Iowa, out West, back to Iowa, back West... and so forth. So for now, even though I reeeally want to be in Iowa and I reeeally miss my friends & family there, I know I have to be here. I have to find a way to be happy in myself, love and know who I am, what I have to offer, what I deserve, and then how to be healthy and truly take care of myself. 
It's time to break old patterns and old ways of doing things- open myself up to change and newness and love. To breathe deeply and honor myself and to find the courage it takes to heal. They say it's not good to make big life decisions when you're tired! So, I'm going to give it a bit more of a go. I've got to start living here instead of surviving. I've got to learn to be more compassionate and forgiving of myself and grateful for what is. Let it be, let it be...
So, staying put but off on a new adventure ... here goes nothing!!
xoxo