So, stepping up... I got a website! During this transition- I'll keep this site open, just in case any of you happen to stumble upon it!
New website is: www.flourishIowa.com
Thank you!
Much love, many blessings.
life. soul. love. heart. philosophy. food. babies. yoga. healing. nature. hope. travel. sparkles. plant-based nutrition. community. togetherness. growth. acceptance. authenticity. safety. vulnerability. peace.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Super beginner
I have been telling people that I will start offering a yoga
class here in town & everyone I’ve talked to says “Oh, I’m a super
beginner.” I say, ok then, I will offer a super beginner class!:) It got me
thinking of a few things. First of all, I feel so nervous. I feel like a super
beginner, offering a super beginner class. I suppose because I feel like a
super beginner teacher. I have been practicing yoga for 13 years now & have
completed a 200 hr. training. So, one would think that I would feel very
comfortable & confident in yoga. Yoga is a self practice though, it’s new
every day & I don’t know that you ever get ‘better’ because nothing is good
or bad; simply a process. You are where
you are. Even if I feel like my very best self up there guiding you through a
practice, I get it. I get how scary it can be do something new.
I get how scary it can be to walk into your first yoga class
ever. The first time I walked into a yoga class was in college. I was scared
but I was also 18 years old & I think that youth gives us a little more
courage. It seems to me that as we age, we do what we know because it’s familiar
& therefore comfortable; it somehow starts to define us. So, when we decide
to break out of that mold & try something new or do something new or be
something new- we ought to give ourselves credit. What you’re doing is very
brave. It doesn’t matter if afterwards you realize how easy it was or if all
your friends are already doing it or if 5 year olds are doing it… if you break
out of your comfort zone to try something new- that’s brave; give yourself
credit for being brave. It’s important to
be brave & to try new things- that in & of itself is healthy for us.
Yoga is the most wonderful thing I’ve ever done (other than birth & mother
my daughter- still I thank yoga for helping me!) & I have no doubt you will
know its wonder as well. Your mind, body, & spirit will thank you. Every
single day is filled with new beauty, change, a possibility to do something
new- embrace it! You are alive!:) And if a new day should find you in one of my
classes, or in any class, know that we- your teacher & classmates- are
every grateful for your presence, for your bravery, & for your existence.
Namaste
Thursday, January 3, 2013
New Year!
Happy New Year! I absolutely don't know how it's 2013 already but I'm excited! New Years eve seems to be such a big deal whether you go to a fancy party, throw a big bash with friends, or stay at home & watch movies or do yoga & meditate & reflect & set intentions for the new year... try your hardest to make it til midnight, kiss your sleeping baby, then go to bed! I did the later this year. I don't miss the old days of partying my brains out on NYE but as excited as I was to have a calm, reflective evening- it's set me up with some major anxiety. I think it's a mixture of the after-Christmas blues & the focusing on all the things I'm not doing 'right' yet in my life.
Christmas seems to take up every day after Thanksgiving- filling every day with excitement & anticipation of the big day! Once the day is over (or all 4 days if you're in my family!) you're left with a bit of a hole; what next?! Then there are those few days of recouping from the excess food & beverage & family until you hit NYE. A new start, a new beginning, so much hope & excitement with the clean slate. This year was different for me.
I've just moved & I'm starting over in so many ways. I have so many emotions flooding that I've tried to numb the not so good feeling ones with cookies while trying to hold onto the good feeling ones as much as possible. (note: you can not selectively choose your feelings!!) Do you do that? Do you notice that you do that- eat or drink your way through situations? I use food/drink as a numbing tool.. sometimes I use people- throwing myself into other peoples situations to avoid my own, or fill my time with friends instead of the quiet time my soul is yearning for.
Anyhow, it's the 3rd day of the new year & I'm just finally starting to feel the excitement of newness. I got really down on myself because I said come Jan 1, no more sugar, coffee, gluten, dairy, or alcohol.. which is everything I've lived on since I got back here. That's pretty steep! When living by yourself, it's a lot easier to do than when you live with other people who eat meat & white potatoes for every meal! Point being- every day is a clean slate. Every day is a new day. Is it the first day of the new year or month or even week? Maybe not. But, every day you wake up is a chance to make a change- however great or small- a change to live a healthier life. So, here are a few things or ideas of things that might help you. Even doing just one of these things -one per day or one per 1/2 a day... will be a change & that little change will promote more change. It's not a matter of giving up things that you love, it's a matter of doing things that will add to your overall health & well-being. If you love to eat ice cream- why do you love it? How does it make you feel? Do you eat it out of habit or when you're sad or when you're happy or when you're nervous?
So, a few tips or ideas:
1.Take 3 deep breaths. Close your eyes & feel the way your feet feel on the ground.
2.Start your morning off with a warm glass of lemon water to help cleanse your body & stimulate your senses
3. Drink more water. It's cold outside so I constantly want tea or coffee or hot drinks.. so I warm up my water!:)
4. If you're a coffee drinker, try a cup of tea first. Or, if you do make coffee, pay closer attn when you brew your coffee- enjoy the process of it.
5. Be present. It sounds obvious but if I can be totally present for one minute of everyday then I'm doing good! It is vital though. So, when you take one deep breath, be totally in that breath. When you make that cup of tea or coffee, be totally present in that process & really enjoy it. When you hug your loved ones or tell them you love them, be totally present so that you feel that love with your whole heart.
6. Do yoga. Even if it's just 5 minutes or 30 minutes- it's better than nothing.
7. Be grateful. Write down 3 things you're really grateful for each day. Make them different things everyday.
8. Note one miracle that happens everyday. Sometimes it feel like a miracle that the Universe conspires to get me through certain days! Or that I am able to eat an apple that grow on my tree in my yard (not in January, but it's one of my favorite things!)
9. Give a hug. "Hugs are like boomerangs- you get it back right away!" -Bil Keane
10. Give yourself credit for all you do. Balance the yin with the yang. The yang is all the the things we feel we need to do & be.. the changes we want to make. Yang is what keeps us moving but the yin keeps us still & gives us moments to be grateful for what we have & who we already are. We all too often beat ourselves up than give ourselves the credit & love we deserve.
May your new year be full of health & self- love!:)
Christmas seems to take up every day after Thanksgiving- filling every day with excitement & anticipation of the big day! Once the day is over (or all 4 days if you're in my family!) you're left with a bit of a hole; what next?! Then there are those few days of recouping from the excess food & beverage & family until you hit NYE. A new start, a new beginning, so much hope & excitement with the clean slate. This year was different for me.
I've just moved & I'm starting over in so many ways. I have so many emotions flooding that I've tried to numb the not so good feeling ones with cookies while trying to hold onto the good feeling ones as much as possible. (note: you can not selectively choose your feelings!!) Do you do that? Do you notice that you do that- eat or drink your way through situations? I use food/drink as a numbing tool.. sometimes I use people- throwing myself into other peoples situations to avoid my own, or fill my time with friends instead of the quiet time my soul is yearning for.
Anyhow, it's the 3rd day of the new year & I'm just finally starting to feel the excitement of newness. I got really down on myself because I said come Jan 1, no more sugar, coffee, gluten, dairy, or alcohol.. which is everything I've lived on since I got back here. That's pretty steep! When living by yourself, it's a lot easier to do than when you live with other people who eat meat & white potatoes for every meal! Point being- every day is a clean slate. Every day is a new day. Is it the first day of the new year or month or even week? Maybe not. But, every day you wake up is a chance to make a change- however great or small- a change to live a healthier life. So, here are a few things or ideas of things that might help you. Even doing just one of these things -one per day or one per 1/2 a day... will be a change & that little change will promote more change. It's not a matter of giving up things that you love, it's a matter of doing things that will add to your overall health & well-being. If you love to eat ice cream- why do you love it? How does it make you feel? Do you eat it out of habit or when you're sad or when you're happy or when you're nervous?
So, a few tips or ideas:
1.Take 3 deep breaths. Close your eyes & feel the way your feet feel on the ground.
2.Start your morning off with a warm glass of lemon water to help cleanse your body & stimulate your senses
3. Drink more water. It's cold outside so I constantly want tea or coffee or hot drinks.. so I warm up my water!:)
4. If you're a coffee drinker, try a cup of tea first. Or, if you do make coffee, pay closer attn when you brew your coffee- enjoy the process of it.
5. Be present. It sounds obvious but if I can be totally present for one minute of everyday then I'm doing good! It is vital though. So, when you take one deep breath, be totally in that breath. When you make that cup of tea or coffee, be totally present in that process & really enjoy it. When you hug your loved ones or tell them you love them, be totally present so that you feel that love with your whole heart.
6. Do yoga. Even if it's just 5 minutes or 30 minutes- it's better than nothing.
7. Be grateful. Write down 3 things you're really grateful for each day. Make them different things everyday.
8. Note one miracle that happens everyday. Sometimes it feel like a miracle that the Universe conspires to get me through certain days! Or that I am able to eat an apple that grow on my tree in my yard (not in January, but it's one of my favorite things!)
9. Give a hug. "Hugs are like boomerangs- you get it back right away!" -Bil Keane
10. Give yourself credit for all you do. Balance the yin with the yang. The yang is all the the things we feel we need to do & be.. the changes we want to make. Yang is what keeps us moving but the yin keeps us still & gives us moments to be grateful for what we have & who we already are. We all too often beat ourselves up than give ourselves the credit & love we deserve.
May your new year be full of health & self- love!:)
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Stepping up...
Well, it's been a while. I thought seriously about deleting this blog altogether because it acted as more of a journal than place to spread love & joy & the goodness of life. But, upon reflection- i realize that it's all me & though I feel embarrassed if anyone ever read any of it- I can't help but share it because it's authentic- or was at one point & I'm working on vulnerability.
I had a client come in today- I've seen her a few times before & she's really wonderful but she's exhausted. She's a working single mom of 2 or 3 kids, I can't remember. And, as a single mom of one.. I can only imagine! She just about broke down saying how tired she is of being in survival mode & how she knows that things like coffee are just vices but she feels like she needs something to comfort her & how I had probably never had these problems & she hated complaining & she desperately wants her life to change & she knows she just has to change her perspective & be grateful but it's just.so.hard.
I almost laughed because so many of the things she was talking about -the way she felt- I so resonated with. And then, when she thought I had probably never had any of these troubles... I almost fell over! It's really interesting, being in the healing profession... I get things like this all the time "how do you always stay so calm & so healthy & balanced." HA!
First of all- it's my job to appear that way! Second, I forget that no one knows who I am. All they know is the few minutes we spend talking before & after their massage, the advice I give & then the massage itself.. but we don't talk during it! And then, when you've done so much work & when you've come so far (you realize you've got so much further to go!) people don't see your struggle, they just see where you are! I feel like so many people are looking for peace & love & acceptance & to feel a part of something & to feel supported & to feel healthy... The surprise is that it comes in the journey. I really don't know that it's a place we arrive- I mean, do we ever feel like we've ever reached that lasting state of bliss? Maybe, eventually?!!! But, in the meantime, life is full of ups & downs & it's up to us to ride them through & find bliss in the journey, in the process. Everything that isn't as we want it gives us an opportunity to change it. Everything that seems 'bad' in our life gives us the chance to turn it into an opportunity. We are constantly growing & changing & evolving... if we so choose! The important thing is that we remember we are students of life; we are learning... so be patient.
Happiness is a choice- it's a choice we make everyday; to make the most out of every situation. Gratitude is always key- it will see us through everything; Grace comes from Gratitude. Making choices (which is a whole different blog!), listening to our hearts, sharing our greatness while being real & raw & authentic & vulnerable is part of what makes us great! So, are you living up to your potential? I'm not. But, I'm working toward it every day & I'm trying with all my might. I think that's all we can do! We must remember,however, that we are divine beings so capable & so deserving of love & forgiveness ...that we are here for a human experience! So for my client today: you are not alone. None of us are. Let us focus more on our similarities than our differences!:)
I had a client come in today- I've seen her a few times before & she's really wonderful but she's exhausted. She's a working single mom of 2 or 3 kids, I can't remember. And, as a single mom of one.. I can only imagine! She just about broke down saying how tired she is of being in survival mode & how she knows that things like coffee are just vices but she feels like she needs something to comfort her & how I had probably never had these problems & she hated complaining & she desperately wants her life to change & she knows she just has to change her perspective & be grateful but it's just.so.hard.
I almost laughed because so many of the things she was talking about -the way she felt- I so resonated with. And then, when she thought I had probably never had any of these troubles... I almost fell over! It's really interesting, being in the healing profession... I get things like this all the time "how do you always stay so calm & so healthy & balanced." HA!
First of all- it's my job to appear that way! Second, I forget that no one knows who I am. All they know is the few minutes we spend talking before & after their massage, the advice I give & then the massage itself.. but we don't talk during it! And then, when you've done so much work & when you've come so far (you realize you've got so much further to go!) people don't see your struggle, they just see where you are! I feel like so many people are looking for peace & love & acceptance & to feel a part of something & to feel supported & to feel healthy... The surprise is that it comes in the journey. I really don't know that it's a place we arrive- I mean, do we ever feel like we've ever reached that lasting state of bliss? Maybe, eventually?!!! But, in the meantime, life is full of ups & downs & it's up to us to ride them through & find bliss in the journey, in the process. Everything that isn't as we want it gives us an opportunity to change it. Everything that seems 'bad' in our life gives us the chance to turn it into an opportunity. We are constantly growing & changing & evolving... if we so choose! The important thing is that we remember we are students of life; we are learning... so be patient.
Happiness is a choice- it's a choice we make everyday; to make the most out of every situation. Gratitude is always key- it will see us through everything; Grace comes from Gratitude. Making choices (which is a whole different blog!), listening to our hearts, sharing our greatness while being real & raw & authentic & vulnerable is part of what makes us great! So, are you living up to your potential? I'm not. But, I'm working toward it every day & I'm trying with all my might. I think that's all we can do! We must remember,however, that we are divine beings so capable & so deserving of love & forgiveness ...that we are here for a human experience! So for my client today: you are not alone. None of us are. Let us focus more on our similarities than our differences!:)
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
tattoos.
This morning I woke up and wondered what the hell I'd written last night... after too much wine! I was in a terrible mood. J woke up in a terrible mood too. She cried all morning "I want mommy" "no work mommy." It broke my heart... and then kind of annoyed me!! Poor thing- she's got to wonder what the heck is going on. I know what a mess I am & kids feed off that more than we know so I try to find compassion & be patient... for both of us!
I finally got her to the sitters & was driving to work when an anger grew in me so deep-seeded, so strong that it actually came out in a growl of sorts that honestly scared me! ...yet at the same time, I was kind of impressed!
I spent the first 1/2 of the day just wishing I was at my moms house & could take the day off! I also drank too much coffee & forgot my phone.. that thing is like a life-line! Pathetic, I know, but it's tough when you are without it for the whole day.. what am I 'missing out' on?!
I didn't have a client the first hour so I folded a lot of laundry. I folded laundry & stewed in my exhaustion & misery & tried to think of the last time I had fun! ..I've had some really good times, good conversations, laughs with friends, toddler giggles, good hugs, comfortable, cozy moments... but I'm talking like FUN- like cut-loose, no holding back, just a crazy good time... it's been a while! This made me think -I really need to make me happy again & have some dang fun!!
And then a few of the girls came in talking about their new tattoos and I thought- it's a dang good thing I'm a mom and don't have the money for those things right now because I'd be covered in them! I planned it all out- the Rumi quote on my L side Ribs, the momma elephant with a patch of tiger print on her butt ..tail holding her baby's trunk, the word 'love' on my tri in the shape of a heart that goes around my elbow, the monarch on the underside of my arm with the eye of a tiger & the words 'let it be' and then something on my forearm.. but I ran out of time!
Then I thought about tattoos. I love them. I don't really need anymore... as I age I start to worry more about how they'll look in 40 years! And, honestly, there aren't that many things I need to permanently mark me. But it's interesting- what all those things mean to me. And then the placement of them and what that means. Someone told me once that tattoos were signs of hurt. Out here- people have tattoos all over themselves so I hope that's not true.
So, while I will refrain from any more tattoos at this point, it was an interesting morning of reflection!
And, by the end of the day, after a few good massages, a few sun-salutations, some deep breaths of fresh air, some sunshine... I was feeling pretty good.
I'm still homesick. But, I know if I were there I'd be homesick for here. So, I just keep on- one day at a time. And choosing happiness... choosing love.
I finally got her to the sitters & was driving to work when an anger grew in me so deep-seeded, so strong that it actually came out in a growl of sorts that honestly scared me! ...yet at the same time, I was kind of impressed!
I spent the first 1/2 of the day just wishing I was at my moms house & could take the day off! I also drank too much coffee & forgot my phone.. that thing is like a life-line! Pathetic, I know, but it's tough when you are without it for the whole day.. what am I 'missing out' on?!
I didn't have a client the first hour so I folded a lot of laundry. I folded laundry & stewed in my exhaustion & misery & tried to think of the last time I had fun! ..I've had some really good times, good conversations, laughs with friends, toddler giggles, good hugs, comfortable, cozy moments... but I'm talking like FUN- like cut-loose, no holding back, just a crazy good time... it's been a while! This made me think -I really need to make me happy again & have some dang fun!!
And then a few of the girls came in talking about their new tattoos and I thought- it's a dang good thing I'm a mom and don't have the money for those things right now because I'd be covered in them! I planned it all out- the Rumi quote on my L side Ribs, the momma elephant with a patch of tiger print on her butt ..tail holding her baby's trunk, the word 'love' on my tri in the shape of a heart that goes around my elbow, the monarch on the underside of my arm with the eye of a tiger & the words 'let it be' and then something on my forearm.. but I ran out of time!
Then I thought about tattoos. I love them. I don't really need anymore... as I age I start to worry more about how they'll look in 40 years! And, honestly, there aren't that many things I need to permanently mark me. But it's interesting- what all those things mean to me. And then the placement of them and what that means. Someone told me once that tattoos were signs of hurt. Out here- people have tattoos all over themselves so I hope that's not true.
So, while I will refrain from any more tattoos at this point, it was an interesting morning of reflection!
And, by the end of the day, after a few good massages, a few sun-salutations, some deep breaths of fresh air, some sunshine... I was feeling pretty good.
I'm still homesick. But, I know if I were there I'd be homesick for here. So, I just keep on- one day at a time. And choosing happiness... choosing love.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Is there life out there...
When I was younger I heard the song by Reba McEntire; I think that's when it started! Reba happened to be the first live concert I saw. I believe that "Fancy" was my favorite song of hers at the time- but this one hit me hard when I heard it.
"She married, when she was 20, she thought she was ready, now she's not so sure... she thought she'd done some living, now she's just wondering what she's living for, she's wondering if there's something more... She's done what she should, should she do what she dares... She's always lived for tomorrow, she's never learned how to live for today. she's dying to try something foolish, do something crazy, or just get away... ooh, something for herself for a change... there's a place in the sun that she's never been where life is fair and time is her friend, would she do it the same as she did back then... Is there life out there- so much she hasn't done, is there life beyond her family & her home.
Well, without quoting the entire song! ...I'll just say I've always had this fear of settling and this notion that there's more out there. I swore to myself once that I would have to prove to myself that I could make it out in this great big world by myself before getting married and having kids. And, for some reason, it seemed to me like everyone just kind of quit or gave up on life's great adventure & I didn't want to be one of those people either. I didn't want to just get married to a nice guy who would work a meaningless job to provide a home so we can have some kids & take them to soccer & buy them things. (I don't really know where I got the idea that that's what my life would have to amount to... I think it's weird I think like that! Or that that's what really happens or that jobs are meaningless.. it's just a childish perspective! And, honestly, I wouldn't mind that life -some of the time!!) Meanwhile, I've always looked for some man to come sweep me off my feet & rescue me. I've learned through the years that no one can rescue me. I've also learned that I think I've proved myself enough.
I have recently realized how instead of looking at my life- I throw myself into everyone elses'- whether it's by facebook or emails or letters or phone calls or pinterest or whatever. I have also learned that I'm not missing out. I mean, wherever you are- you're missing out on something! But, if you're truly in your moment, in your life, you're not missing out on anything because everything you need is in that moment you're living!
Now I'm torn between the comfort of being close to family & a life of new adventure. Either way, life is an adventure and we learn and grow if we choose- wherever we are. I SO admire the people who can stay where they are-in the jobs & relationships they have, and continue to grow and find themselves and be happy. We've got to live- wherever we are, make ourselves happy wherever. Still, I find myself listening to songs like these tonight... hoping for a sign!!!;)
Mary May & Bobby
California life alone is just too hard to build...
...Somehow she always knew she had the strength inside, even if she fell- she'd survive...Inspite of all the tears she may cry, this is how she has to live her life. As hard as it might be, she had to find out for herself...
...she's nobodys girl...
And reading signs like these:
You're NOT missing out...
The grass is always greener... if it's greener, you might need to spend some time in your own yard.
Wherever you go, there you are.
Get out of your head and into your body!
Do something for yourself that does not involve technology.
*side-note.. I found this one in my 'draft' box! Wrote it 21 days ago!! Thought I'd post it anyhow!!!
"She married, when she was 20, she thought she was ready, now she's not so sure... she thought she'd done some living, now she's just wondering what she's living for, she's wondering if there's something more... She's done what she should, should she do what she dares... She's always lived for tomorrow, she's never learned how to live for today. she's dying to try something foolish, do something crazy, or just get away... ooh, something for herself for a change... there's a place in the sun that she's never been where life is fair and time is her friend, would she do it the same as she did back then... Is there life out there- so much she hasn't done, is there life beyond her family & her home.
Well, without quoting the entire song! ...I'll just say I've always had this fear of settling and this notion that there's more out there. I swore to myself once that I would have to prove to myself that I could make it out in this great big world by myself before getting married and having kids. And, for some reason, it seemed to me like everyone just kind of quit or gave up on life's great adventure & I didn't want to be one of those people either. I didn't want to just get married to a nice guy who would work a meaningless job to provide a home so we can have some kids & take them to soccer & buy them things. (I don't really know where I got the idea that that's what my life would have to amount to... I think it's weird I think like that! Or that that's what really happens or that jobs are meaningless.. it's just a childish perspective! And, honestly, I wouldn't mind that life -some of the time!!) Meanwhile, I've always looked for some man to come sweep me off my feet & rescue me. I've learned through the years that no one can rescue me. I've also learned that I think I've proved myself enough.
I have recently realized how instead of looking at my life- I throw myself into everyone elses'- whether it's by facebook or emails or letters or phone calls or pinterest or whatever. I have also learned that I'm not missing out. I mean, wherever you are- you're missing out on something! But, if you're truly in your moment, in your life, you're not missing out on anything because everything you need is in that moment you're living!
Now I'm torn between the comfort of being close to family & a life of new adventure. Either way, life is an adventure and we learn and grow if we choose- wherever we are. I SO admire the people who can stay where they are-in the jobs & relationships they have, and continue to grow and find themselves and be happy. We've got to live- wherever we are, make ourselves happy wherever. Still, I find myself listening to songs like these tonight... hoping for a sign!!!;)
Mary May & Bobby
California life alone is just too hard to build...
...Somehow she always knew she had the strength inside, even if she fell- she'd survive...Inspite of all the tears she may cry, this is how she has to live her life. As hard as it might be, she had to find out for herself...
...she's nobodys girl...
And reading signs like these:
You're NOT missing out...
The grass is always greener... if it's greener, you might need to spend some time in your own yard.
Wherever you go, there you are.
Get out of your head and into your body!
Do something for yourself that does not involve technology.
*side-note.. I found this one in my 'draft' box! Wrote it 21 days ago!! Thought I'd post it anyhow!!!
be willing
We must be willing to get rid of the life we have planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.So, it was a week ago yesterday that I had my house packed up and my daughter all ready & we were set to move half way across the country... we were headed home. I'd been going back and forth on the idea since we got to California- a lot more seriously this past December, and then a month ago the idea arose again and I decided to go. I could list 100 reasons why I want(ed) to go back to Iowa; every logical thought, every bit of reason points to us going back there. Not to mention all the fun goings on this summer!
So Monday I woke up, took in a deep breath, looked at my daughter, and knew somewhere deep inside me that going was not the best idea. I couldn't do it. So, I said a prayer & asked that if I was really meant to go- god, please do something to push me out of this state! So, I called about my apartment- they said I could have it back. I called about my job- yes, I could have it back. The sitter even said she could help out for the next couple of weeks. So... shit. I'm staying.
Now, I really like our life here- I have good friends and I really like my job, I love the ocean and that we're so close to so many fabulous places. I love that my sister lives in this state and that people like to visit us here! I like that there are so many kid-friendly activities and that the weather is nearly always getting us outside!
Still- the reasons to go to Iowa FAR outweighed the reasons to stay. But there was just this little voice, this little knowing... this is where I'm meant to be- for now anyways. So, I've been doing some soul-searching. I've gone looking for this voice, tried to sit with and listen to this voice, ran like hell from this voice, tried to drown this voice, begged for some clarity from this voice... and then eventually, I just go to bed!!
I think the situation is that I've grown up thinking I would have a certain kind of life- that I'd be a certain kind of person. And, in my mind- I think I'm a different kind of person than I actually am!! I know what I want- but I think I believe that the only way to have what I want is to be in Iowa because that's all I know. Also, I have a way of getting lost in other peoples lives, ideas, emotions. So, I want to be there to have family dinners (the kind that go differently in my head than they do in reality... even though they're still fabulous!), and for birthday parties and weddings and concerts and short road-trips. I want to be there so that my daughter can know her grandparents & her family & that she will grow up with a simple life full of things that genuinely matter. I want these things even more so when I talk to friends & family that want the same things...
Fear is a very tricky thing. When you come to the crossroads of all you've known and all you've dreamt & you get to that point where you have to take a leap, to do the work, to practice discipline to grow- to be who you are and not who you think you should be -or even want to be- but just who you are ...when you come to this place- it gets scary here and it's hard to move forward when you don't feel well- equipped.
But, I'm here. I feel scared here, and alone...like I want to run home to my mom! But that won't do me much good in the long run! I have a LOT of work to do here and it's going to be really hard. I have to figure out what I want and who I am. When I'm here- I ache for friends and family and for doing the fun things they're doing. But eventually, I'll be grateful for it all but ache for new adventures out West. This is my pattern... Iowa, out West, back to Iowa, back West... and so forth. So for now, even though I reeeally want to be in Iowa and I reeeally miss my friends & family there, I know I have to be here. I have to find a way to be happy in myself, love and know who I am, what I have to offer, what I deserve, and then how to be healthy and truly take care of myself.
It's time to break old patterns and old ways of doing things- open myself up to change and newness and love. To breathe deeply and honor myself and to find the courage it takes to heal. They say it's not good to make big life decisions when you're tired! So, I'm going to give it a bit more of a go. I've got to start living here instead of surviving. I've got to learn to be more compassionate and forgiving of myself and grateful for what is. Let it be, let it be...
So, staying put but off on a new adventure ... here goes nothing!!
xoxo
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