Pleasantville

Pleasantville. What a sweet little word- the name of a sweet little town. It's the town I was born in and the town I graduated high school from. Near graduation Hollywood made a movie called "Pleasantville" and so now every time I tell someone where I'm from, they say "Oh, like the movie." Well yes, actually- it is a bit like that...
Growing up- I can remember wanting a new house- not because mine wasn't really nice but because I was ready for a change. I was younger than 9 because then my parents separated and I got what I wanted. This, perhaps, my first lesson in being careful what you ask for.
My favorite book was Cassie's Magic Flowers- The Story of Calico Crossings. It's about a little girl who lived in a black and white town and spent her days day-dreaming about things being different. She believed in goodness and in the heart of people and in a passion for life. One day, magic beans fell into her back yard and from these grew calico flowers and if someones heart was in the right place they would turn to color upon picking the flower. The plot, to me, seems very similar to the movie Pleasantville- a black and white town where once people found their passion, opened their hearts, and believed in something different- they turned to color. A lot like me and my hometown I guess.
I spend a lot of time with people and I can't help but think we're all just a bunch of lost souls wondering around living through our egos, afraid to be vulnerable for fear of getting hurt. I'm not certain that we feel safe enough to explore our own selves or to be honest with ourselves and then with others. I mean, I know there are those of us who try- but it's really hard. And at the end of the day- is it all simple? Or is it more complicated? Everyone probably has a different idea and general, a man would probably say it was simple and a woman that it was complicated!!!
I wonder about relationships too... simple or complicated? Sometimes I wish I lived in the 50's and would have gotten married based on my good looks and family status to a dream boat of a man who would work all day to come home to me- who would have been working all day on cooking, cleaning, sewing, and caring for our children! I wouldn't have many opinions and we would get through life just fine! Honestly though, I sometimes think that's what it's about- find someone you can walk through life with. You won't always get along, you won't always have fire and passion, you might not have much in common at times but you have roles in your relationships and you just go through the motions. (I'm not saying that every couple married before 1950 wasn't happy or didn't have passion in their relationship- I'm talking the stereotypical black and white happy-as-a-clam family). Nowadays I think we're all too selfish to devote ourselves to one person. And, we think everything/one has a purpose to make us happy. But then the passion, the fire, it burns out. And what happens when it burns out? You're left with a bunch of ashes. So, is it about comfort and stability and commitment to responsibilities or is it about the passion and the fire? I wonder if both are shown in color or if one was is black and white and the other is color?
Here is a quick story about men and women in the town of Pleasantville (other than that- there's no real tie to the rest of the post!) ... So we were getting ready for a huge party at my house & my aunt really wanted everything to look nice and she has an eye for such things. So my uncle ask her where she wants these chairs and she says around the table up there on the hill. So, they very nicely put the chairs out- matching number on each side- in a perfect line. And she instantly noticed and commented that the chairs weren't all the same- some were shorter, some were taller and we just couldn't have that. So I was sent on the mission to make all the chairs the same. I did it. And then I put a grass skirt on a trash can and vacuumed the (outdoor) patio and a few other things I found to be ridiculous! But, it did look really nice in the end and none of us killed each other and it was another great party! But, I realize more and more that men and women are like black and white- they're totally different... but we all want color in our worlds.... whatever that might mean.

Because sometimes a chip just needs some dip

I'm tired- like exhausted, depleted tired... not like I just need a nap. It was a really long weekend. It was full of ups and downs and seeing a lot of people I really wanted to see. But, it was also full of lots of driving and being stuck in traffic and having a baby with a high temperature. It was also full of some lame dude drama. I chalk it up to another lesson in boundaries!
My body aches & I can hardly keep my eyes open. I've been working so much and trying so hard to do it all on my own. I bring home the bacon, make the bacon, clean up after it, run the errands, play with my baby, try to grow spiritually, and try to squeeze in a social life. I'm afraid it's the social life that's put me over the edge. I've got so many great friends but none of them live close enough to meet up for coffee or have a beer with at the end of the day. I've met some neighbors and they're great. The thing is- my life is no longer the way it was before. I've realized I can't stay up until midnight & drink a bottle of wine. Instead, I play at the park or with sidewalk chalk. I also can't handle dudes. A man I think I could handle meeting but dudes- I got no time for em. Lies and bullshit- they exhaust me. The human spirit is such a vulnerable thing. Sadly enough we block ourselves -put up walls to protect ourselves, act out in childish ways to pretend we're not hurt. The truth is- it's ok to feel hurt. We have to learn to create boundaries instead of walls and to communicate effectively about how we're feeling. It's also important to realize that most times- people don't intend to hurt us. So, it's up to us to protect ourselves from it happening again while continuing to hold joy in our hearts and be vulnerable and open.
I love talking so much- I could talk all night long! But, I've realized that real and effective communication- when it comes to matters of the heart, are really hard for me. So I often find myself anxiety ridden with conversations I make up in my head, 10 to-do lists a half a mile long, running on fumes, heart broken with a smile on my face praying to god for more strength to keep going because I don't have time to rest now and if I slow down I might just fall apart and I just can't afford to do that right now.
All this being said... this weekend showed me again the importance of being present, of creating boundaries, being confident, communication, acting with love and gratitude, and that even though I'm a kind of super woman... sometimes a chip just needs dip. I need help. And now, it's time for me to figure out what kind of help I need and to be able to ask for it. Why do we try to do it all on our own? Especially when we're blessed with fabulous friends and family... why do we separate ourselves and try to go it alone? Chips are almost always better with dip! dip, baby, dip!!

My fall-back plan!

Money is tight again... it is every 2 weeks when bills are due! And now, I may not be getting child support for a while. I wish I didn't count on that money but I do. Anyhow- I stayed up much too late Friday night drinking wine & making dinner with a neighbor friend so the little sleep, the hangover, and the budget cuts have put me into a whirlwind of terror! I'm tired. I'm sooo dang tired! I'm always stressed- even though I'm practicing living in the moment, trusting in the Universe, and taking one day at a time! Those things plus practicing gratitude and realizing that I'm always taken care of! Still though, I can only keep up at this pace for so long. If I get another job- it means less time with my daughter. The spa world will continue to fluctuate and I still won't have health insurance! I love my job and I love, love, love living in Encinitas! (I'm simply ranting! Thanks for bearing with me... I swear I'll make a point here!)
In the last few days I've convinced myself, once again, that I could move back to Iowa and be happy there. Not get a different job here or move to a different town or hold off freaking out for a few months when my daughters childcare costs go down or looking into health insurance options, etc, etc, etc. Screw it all- I'll just move back to Iowa. This is always my fall back plan. And it's a great one- let me point out... I have a most amazing family and they would help me move back & help take care of us when we got there. I would have help with my daughter, someone to keep her if I ever just needed an evening alone or if I wanted to go take a yoga class. The cost of living is so much cheaper there- I could afford an apartment or a house with rooms! We would have seasons.. which I only enjoy for about a week each... except for fall- I love autumn! I could go on. I find every good thing about that state & my family & I romanticize it all until it starts to look like heaven ("Is this heaven?" "No, it's Iowa!") instead of the hell I generally find myself feeling in when I'm there!
My point is here that with most big things in our lives- we have a fall-back plan. This is a good thing to have on one hand. It's good to be logical and to think things through and play it safe. But, when we have this fall-back plan, we tend to use it far too often. We play it safe, we don't go for the gold... we settle for the silver or the bronze mostly because of fear and lack of trust in the Universe. I firmly believe that if we listen carefully and honestly to our hearts (or guts) and are align with the ways of the Universe- if we're on our 'right' path then we will always be provided for. We lack faith,in general, as humans! It's a terrible thing!
So, get your priorities straight, cover your bases. but follow your heart! Don't be afraid to go for it! This is your life- you only get one go round!
As for me, I will try to sit in meditation and go to my mat (my yoga mat & my kitchen are 2 very good places! Oh, and the ocean, of course!) Anyhow- it's time to get clear. I know I have really big dreams in my heart. I know those dreams don't always flourish the best in Iowa. I also know that I'm tired! Family is important. I'll make my usual list of pros & cons & end up trying to make it work here because I love it! ...Until I decide to go somewhere else- like maybe Portland or Austin!!;) So many decisions... how will we ever choose? Where are my priorities? And how does what's "right" outweigh what's "fun"? Bottom line, I want to feel somewhat safe and settled and I don't know if I will ever know either of those things. I know for sure I have to work on the faith bit though. To jump, to take leaps, to dance with wings or know that I'll land on a sweet lily pad!

Embarrassed!

I get nervous writing in my own journal- for fear that someday someone will come across them & read them & think- what a nerd! And then they will pick out bits & laugh hysterically & I would just never recover. So, blogging is a really big step. I avoid writing in too much detail & truth because I just can't bear the thought of someone else reading it!
As I grow older though, I grow more and more comfortable with myself. I remind myself that this is a journey and every bit of it -the thoughts, the feelings, the nerdiness is all very important. And, it's important to be vulnerable. Also, those people who would read it and laugh are just assholes!!!
Really, it only ever matters that we like ourselves. So, why do we get so concerned with what other people think of us? Like if you meet a guy & you spend days obsessing over why he hasn't called or what his text meant or if he's going to ask you out again... but you're not even sure if you like him. That's weird! We torture ourselves for the attention I guess. We all want to be wanted but do we really care to be wanted by people who don't want us? And we have to know ourselves well enough & be happy enough with ourselves & sure enough about who we are & what we deserve so that one guy we don't even know if we like can make us feel less than we are.
I'm 30 years old. I'm just now starting to come fully into my own. I'm not good every day but I see bits and pieces. I do have good days. And it's those good days or those small moments when someone give you a compliment that you fill up & get a little bit more confident. And bit by bit- the confidence overrides the fear and we get more and more proud of who we are- we love ourselves a little bit more. This is vital! And sometimes I'm embarrassed that it's taken me so long to get to this point and that I still have so much farther to go. But then, I have to remind myself... it's a journey! Every moment of this journey is just as important as the next... no matter how big or how small.