Simple truth:

Happiness is not a place. Happiness is not a place you go & feel happy. I mean, sometimes you travel to a new place or an old place that holds a great memory & you feel happy. But, that doesn't mean you pack up & move there & stay until you're not happy anymore (I don't think -but it's kind of worked so far!;)). It comes down to planting yourself in a place -any place- and really getting to know yourself. Every experience gives us an opportunity for choice, for growth, for truth, for happiness. "Settle into your strange home and invest yourself." -I'm not sure who said it but my friend Mary told me that once.
Wherever you are- be you. You can't run from yourself not matter how hard you try.
I've been reading Osho's "Love, Freedom, and Aloneness" and while some of it is a bit out there for me- I've found so much truth and comfort in it. And I've come to see that even though I try and be really mindful of it- my ego gets me into a lot of trouble, it makes me miserable. I'm always trying to make sure to make people happy, that other people like me, so I can prove to myself that I am worthy or likeable or somehow better than most others! I wish it weren't true- it's so embarrassing to see it written down. But, it's the truth. And the fact is that it's not about other people- it's only about you- me- how we feel inside. We love to love- not to be loved in return. We don't love people so they can tell us how fabulous & special we are. We just love. And being kind doesn't always mean being nice I guess. That's another 'quote' I read tonight ...not in my trusty Osho book... and I'm not 100% sure I get it. I kind of think that no one deserves to be talked down to or made to feel bad. But then some people make me feel really bad so I think- in the kindest way- I could be not so nice back to them... right?!;)
Anyways- Iowa or California or anywhere else in the world... I'm always going to miss something about somewhere else. I'm always going to want to travel to see someplace else. I will probably struggle the rest of my life with living where & how I do. All we can do is spend time inside- meditation, prayer, whatever it is to check in with our true selves- leaving our egos at the door- even if just for one split second... And then give thanks. Gratitude is huge. Gratitude for the past & the present- for people & experiences- for every single thing that has gotten us to where we are and every single thing that keeps us going! And then try love- just love, love everything- without any expectations of return- but a strong faith that love will return to you in one way or another because that's just the way of the Universe!

Iowa

...kind of like the sweet Dar Williams song.
I'm missing it so much right now. I miss Fall there. And, I miss my family so much- I think it's the holidays! I always think of moving back- it's my fallback plan...as I'm sure I've mentioned before. But, I always come to my senses eventually! There's so much more opportunity here & I love it here & the ocean is here & most of my dearest friends live here- well in the state anyways.
Funny how 2 days ago I was feeling great calm. Tonight- I still feel calm but a much more tired calm & I'm moving back to Iowa. (I don't know if we'll actually move back there but I'm trying it on for a bit to see how it feels.) I know I don't love it there near as much. But, there are wonderful people there & my family who would drive me totally nuts but love & support Jillian and I in a way no one else could. So... I'm tired of being stressed about money and worn out. I could work harder- I could make it work here. But is it worth the exhaustion in the end? Could I make myself happy in Iowa? I honestly don't know which is harder- to make ends meet here on our own or to make me happy there. That's kind of sad. Oh well. Just a thought. Today was just kind of a rough day and I can't wait to start my period & stop crying at the drop of a hat!! Thank goodness I had a good friend visiting & thank goodness another is coming in a few days! I feel like I'm just holding out for the next breath of air. Oddly enough- I feel happy here. I don't know how or why but I do. I think- I'm happy! But then I'm writing about how tired I am & all the crap always happening that I just can't deal with anymore. Hmmm...
I'm craving the NW too & Colorado & even sometimes the E coast for a vacation. Maybe I'll just never be totally satisfied. Maybe I'll get myself on my mat eventually & spend some real time inside instead of spinning the wheels in my head until they all spew out of my mouth without any real rhyme or reason?! Who knows?!

Calm

Things have been so crazy. Like deal-breaking crazy! I've been a mess. All the things going on in my head-like a hamster on a wheel, all the stress, all the trying to be 7 different women in one (sounds attractive, huh?!) finally got to me on a physical level. I've been so tired- like totally depleted, can hardly make it through a massage- much less a whole day tired. And I've been sick- like constantly nauseous & had headaches... I never get headaches. Kind of like the first trimester of pregnancy but dare I say worse?! Ugh.
It finally turned. Thanks to a nice walk by the ocean, a good talk with my life coach/chiropractor, talks with friends, bits of inspiration people have been posting like crazy to facebook, the dawning of the Age of Aquarius (the actual time, not the song!)! I'm so grateful.
I find myself in these dark places every now and again. And I love this foggy weather SO much but it feeds my mood. Then I get depleted of Vitamin D which just further exaggerates it all!!! I've started to notice these cycles in my life, these patterns.
Sometimes I like to sulk a bit... it just feels good (for a really short time) to lay in bed, to take a day off, to splurge at Target, or to bake, to listen to sad music, to drink too much wine, and to cry really, really hard underneath a great big ol tree in the middle of a park next to the freeway!
Action steps. It comes down to taking action steps... doing SOMEthing! Even if it's a really small step. And then give yourself credit for it. Don't be so hard on yourself (I can't help it). Love- love so big & so unconditionally. Love everything. Hurts & disappointments are real but they're hardly ever deliberate. Even if you think someone should know better... people don't usually intend to hurt us. So really- it's how we handle it. We always have a choice. Healthy food makes a big difference too. Sugar is a real killer... even though it's my drug of choice! oooo, or maybe caffeine!! I've been drinking way too much coffee! Physical activity is huge too. When you're feeling run down or down in the dumps- there's nothing like a good walk & some fresh air to blow the stink off you. Oh, and one more thing- finding inspiration in others. Picking out the strengths of your friends, admiring people, giving random compliments, watching a child laugh or play mom to her animals or sing songs. And my new favorite... pinterest.com. Dang that site is addicting!
I've been working on a vision board but have been lacking the motivation & inspiration- because of the above mentioned! So, a friend suggested pinterest & now I'm in love! I get to create an online vision board & change it whenever i want to & find inspiration from all kinds of creative people!
Finally, we had a really great weekend. We went to the zoo. We took walks, we got pumpkins, we went to the farmers market, we made banana & blueberry pancakes, we laughed a lot & played & colored & I realized just how amazing this little person of (mine) is. And I really just let myself love her instead of worrying about a mess or a bedtime or what she eats for dinner. And now it's Sunday night & the candles are lit & Pandora is playing a sweet Joe Purdy mix & it's warm & cozy in our home & there's just a sweet calm that's come over me & I'm grateful.

Lessons from a mouse!

So... we had a mouse... in the house! Gross! And, I knew it- I just avoided it... thinking the little fella would just go away! I saw a few droppings. And then the neighbors talked about finding mice. And then I found more droppings a few days later. He (I decided the mouse was a he- being a pest & all!) wasn't going to leave. Why would he?! The though of killing him nearly killed me. I mean really- mice are just kind of cute. They're not cute in my house- they're pesky & they carry disease & the tear things apart & leave big messes... I had to tell myself of all the really gross things! So then my neighbor brought over a trap she had used (bless her!) So, I did it. I set the traps. I cleaned out the cupboards- I mean really cleaned them out- like Spring cleaning (and I really dislike getting into the icky stuff!). The first day... there was nothing. But then the next morning... Got him! Yeah! Now.. how to get rid of him? The trap was a nice one -I guess, as far as traps go! I know nothing of them really. But, it was borrowed so I didn't want to just throw it away! I'd be a good neighbor & return the trap... after I reset it to try & catch the other 20 that I was convinced were living in my house! It took me 20 minutes & a strong cup of coffee to finally get up the courage to grab a plastic bag- stick my hand in the cupboard & get that guy out of there & dispose of him... in the ...ugh...dumpster!
I just caught one mouse. He was a little mouse. I continued cleaning my house like I was nesting or something. I got behind all the bookshelves, tore apart my closet, re-organized everything. I found droppings everywhere. They were in all the above mentioned places. I was disinfecting everything & doing multiple loads of laundry. How did one little mouse do all that work? Eww.. and while we were sleeping?! Sick! I also got a bed to get our mattress off the floor... finally!
The moral of this story is that I should have taken care of this little dude at first sight. But, it grossed me out. I felt bad killing him & I honestly hoped he'd just go away! I knew better... he didn't. Like most things in life- we have to deal with them. Whether it's an incorrect charge on a bill, a dying or lingering romance, stacks of bills piled up on your table, the letter you've been needing to write, an apology you've been needing to make, whatever it is- it most likely won't just go away. It's going to need your attention. And I've been learning this lesson for a while now. I have to start dealing with things right as they come up instead of putting them in a pile for a few weeks or months until it 'goes away' ...or until I have the time & energy to deal with it. But what happens when we're waiting for that energy or inspiration is the damage. It might be financial or physical damage. Or, it might be emotionally or energetically draining...the lingering of it all. Either way... Clean house. Deal with things as they come up. Clear out the old to make room for the new. Don't leave big messes around only to be made into even bigger messes. Take care of business! Bummer I had to learn it from a mouse!

Hope ...& Stuff

So, you know when everything seems so chaotic and like all things in your life are in a big traffic jam. Then, all of a sudden, from out of nowhere... something clicks & gives you great perspective. Suddenly you realize that all the things you're trying to make work aren't working because you can do way better- you're meant to do way more. You're settling instead of dreaming. Or, that the things you dream of aren't being achieved because you're trying to make legitimate sense of it all or control it all or fear has got you down?! Well, that's what's been happening here lately. I have a way of living with what's right in front of my face instead of through all the worldly possibilities. Like this is all there is- this is all I have to work with.. maybe if I did this here & then shove this there & then maybe if he were a bit more like that or if I could shift that... you know how it goes! And then poof... you let go & open your heart and realize... there's more. You're trying to make the whole soup with only 3 ingredients! ...Not that you can't make a decent soup with 3 ingredients but you know- why not go to the store, or pick in your garden, or ask your friends to bring stuff over... the possibilities are endless!:)
Speaking of soup... we made some for dinner! It's the kind of stew that doesn't make a small batch. It's raining here tonight and it seemed so cozy. We made pumpkin muffins for breakfast too! Oh, how I love fall weather (even in Southern California!) and the smell of pumpkin! So then for dinner in the rain, we lit candles and invited the neighbors... a few of them came... and we enjoyed a meal & enjoyed the rain & enjoyed our time together.
I realize how blessed we are and how great the world is. I realize that there's more and that I'm not in control. I realize how much more exciting the possibilities are when you're not limiting yourself. And when we can be genuine & authentic & kind & generous ...the world will sometimes be those things back! ...and even if not, it feels so much better to be those things. Like the gentleman yesterday who stopped me in the store to tell my I had a great smile. He didn't even linger to try & make small talk or awkward conversation! One little gesture made my whole day. The thought that someone could be so kind just for the sake of being kind... that kind of stuff gives me hope! And we have to live with hope in our hearts.