Iowa

...kind of like the sweet Dar Williams song.
I'm missing it so much right now. I miss Fall there. And, I miss my family so much- I think it's the holidays! I always think of moving back- it's my fallback plan...as I'm sure I've mentioned before. But, I always come to my senses eventually! There's so much more opportunity here & I love it here & the ocean is here & most of my dearest friends live here- well in the state anyways.
Funny how 2 days ago I was feeling great calm. Tonight- I still feel calm but a much more tired calm & I'm moving back to Iowa. (I don't know if we'll actually move back there but I'm trying it on for a bit to see how it feels.) I know I don't love it there near as much. But, there are wonderful people there & my family who would drive me totally nuts but love & support Jillian and I in a way no one else could. So... I'm tired of being stressed about money and worn out. I could work harder- I could make it work here. But is it worth the exhaustion in the end? Could I make myself happy in Iowa? I honestly don't know which is harder- to make ends meet here on our own or to make me happy there. That's kind of sad. Oh well. Just a thought. Today was just kind of a rough day and I can't wait to start my period & stop crying at the drop of a hat!! Thank goodness I had a good friend visiting & thank goodness another is coming in a few days! I feel like I'm just holding out for the next breath of air. Oddly enough- I feel happy here. I don't know how or why but I do. I think- I'm happy! But then I'm writing about how tired I am & all the crap always happening that I just can't deal with anymore. Hmmm...
I'm craving the NW too & Colorado & even sometimes the E coast for a vacation. Maybe I'll just never be totally satisfied. Maybe I'll get myself on my mat eventually & spend some real time inside instead of spinning the wheels in my head until they all spew out of my mouth without any real rhyme or reason?! Who knows?!