Times, they are a changin...

Well now, it's been quite a while. Three months, to be nearly exact.
We moved into a new home and so many things about it are wonderful. 2012 is not messing around though, this is a year of shaking things up! This is a year of getting back to the core of what matters, to the feminine, nurturing, love... especially if you're following the Mayan calendar!
Life is very funny and this week I have been reminded over and over again that the only thing constant is change- through the good times and the bad- and that nothing is to be taken for granted. We can drift through this life wildly, grazing the surface, and getting glimpses of its beauty as we fly by or we can get down and dirty- dig our feet in, break our hearts open, and feel our way through with authenticity. Which one do you choose? I struggle with this. Both are great options!;) I know I want to choose the later but there's something that stands in my way- a fear, of sorts. I am as authentic as I can possibly be but it's that getting to the part where you really know yourself so that you can really be true to yourself that's tough.
My life to this point has been quite the ride! I am thankful for every bit of it. Most of my decisions are based on a 'what the hell' kind of attitude and are made 'in the moment'. This is all well & good if you're a true gypsy! I've got this restless side I just can't seem to tame. To be honest, I don't really want to tame her! But, I do want her to live in balance with the 50's housewife in me! ...And with the peace & free lover in me- and the Little House on the Prairie girl in me, and the Aborigine princess in me! I sometimes wonder if I should seek some serious help with my multiple personalities!;) (Kidding! Though I would certainly benefit from therapy... I am mostly sane!)
I think the problem is that I missed the part where I was supposed to grow up. Now I'm being serious! Some cultures have big celebrations for boys & girls to turn into women and men... not mine! And as weird as I sometimes think that is- it would have been really nice for someone to say "Ok, it's time now- and here are all of our words of wisdom and our greatest bits of advice."
I have learned so much over the last... well, 30 years! But lets break it down to the last year & a half I've spent in California. I've learned that my friends are growing up, that they have families and circles of friends and that they're able to 'connect with the past and connect with the future' (thanks Jo!) -that life is about living it- not clinging to the past or anxiety ridden about the future. Every single moment of every single day should be cherished because it's all we've got. Seasons come and seasons go and there are ups and there are downs and life is about learning to ride the waves- about letting those winds blow through your sails- and about keeping your heart wide open to give and receive in equal parts.
I think it's time now. I've been struggling with this idea of going back to Iowa. I love our life in CA and there is something about the air here that helps me breathe & feel alive & feel connected. I have great friends throughout the state and have built a really sweet community here and am so blessed. We are so blessed. But, my daughter needs her family- I need my family. I wish my family lived here but they just don't. They drive me crazy, but they're my family. I've got a couple of really amazing friends there and that's a blessing too... especially because they don't drive me crazy!;) J's Buddha bedtime story last night said "Life is a journey and change is unavoidable. A wise person accepts this and enjoys each precious moment as fully as they can." (Big lessons for a little girl.. but better to teach early than re-teach later!) So, the important thing is that we take all of our experiences with us but make room for new adventures too. We're not waiting to get started, we're in the middle of it. And the very most important part- give thanks! Honestly, I'm blessed beyond words to have an amazing family & the most amazing daughter anyone could ask for & really , truly beautiful friends... friends that live in Iowa and California and all over this wild world.
A friend just posted this on fb (I'm so neurotic, I checked fb 3 times while writing this!) "this cannot be sustained. Where it breaks; I cannot tell you. What I can tell you is that it will." Now, on the one hand- it's kind of sad. But really, it's a little how I feel. I feel like I'm trying to juggle it all -which can only be sustained for a certain amount of time-and in the midst of it, I haven't truly learned how to care for myself first or ask for help when I need it- or even accept it when people try to give it to me! I've gathered a great many tools and now it's time. I will cherish every single second of our lives here and I look so forward to new chapters, new beginnings, and catching up with old friends!:) For some reason, I'm more scared to make this move than I've been for any other. I'm terrified... but I'm ready and even a little excited! It's time.