Pleasantville. What a sweet little word- the name of a sweet little town. It's the town I was born in and the town I graduated high school from. Near graduation Hollywood made a movie called "Pleasantville" and so now every time I tell someone where I'm from, they say "Oh, like the movie." Well yes, actually- it is a bit like that...
Growing up- I can remember wanting a new house- not because mine wasn't really nice but because I was ready for a change. I was younger than 9 because then my parents separated and I got what I wanted. This, perhaps, my first lesson in being careful what you ask for.
My favorite book was Cassie's Magic Flowers- The Story of Calico Crossings. It's about a little girl who lived in a black and white town and spent her days day-dreaming about things being different. She believed in goodness and in the heart of people and in a passion for life. One day, magic beans fell into her back yard and from these grew calico flowers and if someones heart was in the right place they would turn to color upon picking the flower. The plot, to me, seems very similar to the movie Pleasantville- a black and white town where once people found their passion, opened their hearts, and believed in something different- they turned to color. A lot like me and my hometown I guess.
I spend a lot of time with people and I can't help but think we're all just a bunch of lost souls wondering around living through our egos, afraid to be vulnerable for fear of getting hurt. I'm not certain that we feel safe enough to explore our own selves or to be honest with ourselves and then with others. I mean, I know there are those of us who try- but it's really hard. And at the end of the day- is it all simple? Or is it more complicated? Everyone probably has a different idea and general, a man would probably say it was simple and a woman that it was complicated!!!
I wonder about relationships too... simple or complicated? Sometimes I wish I lived in the 50's and would have gotten married based on my good looks and family status to a dream boat of a man who would work all day to come home to me- who would have been working all day on cooking, cleaning, sewing, and caring for our children! I wouldn't have many opinions and we would get through life just fine! Honestly though, I sometimes think that's what it's about- find someone you can walk through life with. You won't always get along, you won't always have fire and passion, you might not have much in common at times but you have roles in your relationships and you just go through the motions. (I'm not saying that every couple married before 1950 wasn't happy or didn't have passion in their relationship- I'm talking the stereotypical black and white happy-as-a-clam family). Nowadays I think we're all too selfish to devote ourselves to one person. And, we think everything/one has a purpose to make us happy. But then the passion, the fire, it burns out. And what happens when it burns out? You're left with a bunch of ashes. So, is it about comfort and stability and commitment to responsibilities or is it about the passion and the fire? I wonder if both are shown in color or if one was is black and white and the other is color?
Here is a quick story about men and women in the town of Pleasantville (other than that- there's no real tie to the rest of the post!) ... So we were getting ready for a huge party at my house & my aunt really wanted everything to look nice and she has an eye for such things. So my uncle ask her where she wants these chairs and she says around the table up there on the hill. So, they very nicely put the chairs out- matching number on each side- in a perfect line. And she instantly noticed and commented that the chairs weren't all the same- some were shorter, some were taller and we just couldn't have that. So I was sent on the mission to make all the chairs the same. I did it. And then I put a grass skirt on a trash can and vacuumed the (outdoor) patio and a few other things I found to be ridiculous! But, it did look really nice in the end and none of us killed each other and it was another great party! But, I realize more and more that men and women are like black and white- they're totally different... but we all want color in our worlds.... whatever that might mean.
life. soul. love. heart. philosophy. food. babies. yoga. healing. nature. hope. travel. sparkles. plant-based nutrition. community. togetherness. growth. acceptance. authenticity. safety. vulnerability. peace.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Because sometimes a chip just needs some dip
I'm tired- like exhausted, depleted tired... not like I just need a nap. It was a really long weekend. It was full of ups and downs and seeing a lot of people I really wanted to see. But, it was also full of lots of driving and being stuck in traffic and having a baby with a high temperature. It was also full of some lame dude drama. I chalk it up to another lesson in boundaries!
My body aches & I can hardly keep my eyes open. I've been working so much and trying so hard to do it all on my own. I bring home the bacon, make the bacon, clean up after it, run the errands, play with my baby, try to grow spiritually, and try to squeeze in a social life. I'm afraid it's the social life that's put me over the edge. I've got so many great friends but none of them live close enough to meet up for coffee or have a beer with at the end of the day. I've met some neighbors and they're great. The thing is- my life is no longer the way it was before. I've realized I can't stay up until midnight & drink a bottle of wine. Instead, I play at the park or with sidewalk chalk. I also can't handle dudes. A man I think I could handle meeting but dudes- I got no time for em. Lies and bullshit- they exhaust me. The human spirit is such a vulnerable thing. Sadly enough we block ourselves -put up walls to protect ourselves, act out in childish ways to pretend we're not hurt. The truth is- it's ok to feel hurt. We have to learn to create boundaries instead of walls and to communicate effectively about how we're feeling. It's also important to realize that most times- people don't intend to hurt us. So, it's up to us to protect ourselves from it happening again while continuing to hold joy in our hearts and be vulnerable and open.
I love talking so much- I could talk all night long! But, I've realized that real and effective communication- when it comes to matters of the heart, are really hard for me. So I often find myself anxiety ridden with conversations I make up in my head, 10 to-do lists a half a mile long, running on fumes, heart broken with a smile on my face praying to god for more strength to keep going because I don't have time to rest now and if I slow down I might just fall apart and I just can't afford to do that right now.
All this being said... this weekend showed me again the importance of being present, of creating boundaries, being confident, communication, acting with love and gratitude, and that even though I'm a kind of super woman... sometimes a chip just needs dip. I need help. And now, it's time for me to figure out what kind of help I need and to be able to ask for it. Why do we try to do it all on our own? Especially when we're blessed with fabulous friends and family... why do we separate ourselves and try to go it alone? Chips are almost always better with dip! dip, baby, dip!!
My body aches & I can hardly keep my eyes open. I've been working so much and trying so hard to do it all on my own. I bring home the bacon, make the bacon, clean up after it, run the errands, play with my baby, try to grow spiritually, and try to squeeze in a social life. I'm afraid it's the social life that's put me over the edge. I've got so many great friends but none of them live close enough to meet up for coffee or have a beer with at the end of the day. I've met some neighbors and they're great. The thing is- my life is no longer the way it was before. I've realized I can't stay up until midnight & drink a bottle of wine. Instead, I play at the park or with sidewalk chalk. I also can't handle dudes. A man I think I could handle meeting but dudes- I got no time for em. Lies and bullshit- they exhaust me. The human spirit is such a vulnerable thing. Sadly enough we block ourselves -put up walls to protect ourselves, act out in childish ways to pretend we're not hurt. The truth is- it's ok to feel hurt. We have to learn to create boundaries instead of walls and to communicate effectively about how we're feeling. It's also important to realize that most times- people don't intend to hurt us. So, it's up to us to protect ourselves from it happening again while continuing to hold joy in our hearts and be vulnerable and open.
I love talking so much- I could talk all night long! But, I've realized that real and effective communication- when it comes to matters of the heart, are really hard for me. So I often find myself anxiety ridden with conversations I make up in my head, 10 to-do lists a half a mile long, running on fumes, heart broken with a smile on my face praying to god for more strength to keep going because I don't have time to rest now and if I slow down I might just fall apart and I just can't afford to do that right now.
All this being said... this weekend showed me again the importance of being present, of creating boundaries, being confident, communication, acting with love and gratitude, and that even though I'm a kind of super woman... sometimes a chip just needs dip. I need help. And now, it's time for me to figure out what kind of help I need and to be able to ask for it. Why do we try to do it all on our own? Especially when we're blessed with fabulous friends and family... why do we separate ourselves and try to go it alone? Chips are almost always better with dip! dip, baby, dip!!
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
My fall-back plan!
Money is tight again... it is every 2 weeks when bills are due! And now, I may not be getting child support for a while. I wish I didn't count on that money but I do. Anyhow- I stayed up much too late Friday night drinking wine & making dinner with a neighbor friend so the little sleep, the hangover, and the budget cuts have put me into a whirlwind of terror! I'm tired. I'm sooo dang tired! I'm always stressed- even though I'm practicing living in the moment, trusting in the Universe, and taking one day at a time! Those things plus practicing gratitude and realizing that I'm always taken care of! Still though, I can only keep up at this pace for so long. If I get another job- it means less time with my daughter. The spa world will continue to fluctuate and I still won't have health insurance! I love my job and I love, love, love living in Encinitas! (I'm simply ranting! Thanks for bearing with me... I swear I'll make a point here!)
In the last few days I've convinced myself, once again, that I could move back to Iowa and be happy there. Not get a different job here or move to a different town or hold off freaking out for a few months when my daughters childcare costs go down or looking into health insurance options, etc, etc, etc. Screw it all- I'll just move back to Iowa. This is always my fall back plan. And it's a great one- let me point out... I have a most amazing family and they would help me move back & help take care of us when we got there. I would have help with my daughter, someone to keep her if I ever just needed an evening alone or if I wanted to go take a yoga class. The cost of living is so much cheaper there- I could afford an apartment or a house with rooms! We would have seasons.. which I only enjoy for about a week each... except for fall- I love autumn! I could go on. I find every good thing about that state & my family & I romanticize it all until it starts to look like heaven ("Is this heaven?" "No, it's Iowa!") instead of the hell I generally find myself feeling in when I'm there!
My point is here that with most big things in our lives- we have a fall-back plan. This is a good thing to have on one hand. It's good to be logical and to think things through and play it safe. But, when we have this fall-back plan, we tend to use it far too often. We play it safe, we don't go for the gold... we settle for the silver or the bronze mostly because of fear and lack of trust in the Universe. I firmly believe that if we listen carefully and honestly to our hearts (or guts) and are align with the ways of the Universe- if we're on our 'right' path then we will always be provided for. We lack faith,in general, as humans! It's a terrible thing!
So, get your priorities straight, cover your bases. but follow your heart! Don't be afraid to go for it! This is your life- you only get one go round!
As for me, I will try to sit in meditation and go to my mat (my yoga mat & my kitchen are 2 very good places! Oh, and the ocean, of course!) Anyhow- it's time to get clear. I know I have really big dreams in my heart. I know those dreams don't always flourish the best in Iowa. I also know that I'm tired! Family is important. I'll make my usual list of pros & cons & end up trying to make it work here because I love it! ...Until I decide to go somewhere else- like maybe Portland or Austin!!;) So many decisions... how will we ever choose? Where are my priorities? And how does what's "right" outweigh what's "fun"? Bottom line, I want to feel somewhat safe and settled and I don't know if I will ever know either of those things. I know for sure I have to work on the faith bit though. To jump, to take leaps, to dance with wings or know that I'll land on a sweet lily pad!
In the last few days I've convinced myself, once again, that I could move back to Iowa and be happy there. Not get a different job here or move to a different town or hold off freaking out for a few months when my daughters childcare costs go down or looking into health insurance options, etc, etc, etc. Screw it all- I'll just move back to Iowa. This is always my fall back plan. And it's a great one- let me point out... I have a most amazing family and they would help me move back & help take care of us when we got there. I would have help with my daughter, someone to keep her if I ever just needed an evening alone or if I wanted to go take a yoga class. The cost of living is so much cheaper there- I could afford an apartment or a house with rooms! We would have seasons.. which I only enjoy for about a week each... except for fall- I love autumn! I could go on. I find every good thing about that state & my family & I romanticize it all until it starts to look like heaven ("Is this heaven?" "No, it's Iowa!") instead of the hell I generally find myself feeling in when I'm there!
My point is here that with most big things in our lives- we have a fall-back plan. This is a good thing to have on one hand. It's good to be logical and to think things through and play it safe. But, when we have this fall-back plan, we tend to use it far too often. We play it safe, we don't go for the gold... we settle for the silver or the bronze mostly because of fear and lack of trust in the Universe. I firmly believe that if we listen carefully and honestly to our hearts (or guts) and are align with the ways of the Universe- if we're on our 'right' path then we will always be provided for. We lack faith,in general, as humans! It's a terrible thing!
So, get your priorities straight, cover your bases. but follow your heart! Don't be afraid to go for it! This is your life- you only get one go round!
As for me, I will try to sit in meditation and go to my mat (my yoga mat & my kitchen are 2 very good places! Oh, and the ocean, of course!) Anyhow- it's time to get clear. I know I have really big dreams in my heart. I know those dreams don't always flourish the best in Iowa. I also know that I'm tired! Family is important. I'll make my usual list of pros & cons & end up trying to make it work here because I love it! ...Until I decide to go somewhere else- like maybe Portland or Austin!!;) So many decisions... how will we ever choose? Where are my priorities? And how does what's "right" outweigh what's "fun"? Bottom line, I want to feel somewhat safe and settled and I don't know if I will ever know either of those things. I know for sure I have to work on the faith bit though. To jump, to take leaps, to dance with wings or know that I'll land on a sweet lily pad!
Monday, August 1, 2011
Embarrassed!
I get nervous writing in my own journal- for fear that someday someone will come across them & read them & think- what a nerd! And then they will pick out bits & laugh hysterically & I would just never recover. So, blogging is a really big step. I avoid writing in too much detail & truth because I just can't bear the thought of someone else reading it!
As I grow older though, I grow more and more comfortable with myself. I remind myself that this is a journey and every bit of it -the thoughts, the feelings, the nerdiness is all very important. And, it's important to be vulnerable. Also, those people who would read it and laugh are just assholes!!!
Really, it only ever matters that we like ourselves. So, why do we get so concerned with what other people think of us? Like if you meet a guy & you spend days obsessing over why he hasn't called or what his text meant or if he's going to ask you out again... but you're not even sure if you like him. That's weird! We torture ourselves for the attention I guess. We all want to be wanted but do we really care to be wanted by people who don't want us? And we have to know ourselves well enough & be happy enough with ourselves & sure enough about who we are & what we deserve so that one guy we don't even know if we like can make us feel less than we are.
I'm 30 years old. I'm just now starting to come fully into my own. I'm not good every day but I see bits and pieces. I do have good days. And it's those good days or those small moments when someone give you a compliment that you fill up & get a little bit more confident. And bit by bit- the confidence overrides the fear and we get more and more proud of who we are- we love ourselves a little bit more. This is vital! And sometimes I'm embarrassed that it's taken me so long to get to this point and that I still have so much farther to go. But then, I have to remind myself... it's a journey! Every moment of this journey is just as important as the next... no matter how big or how small.
As I grow older though, I grow more and more comfortable with myself. I remind myself that this is a journey and every bit of it -the thoughts, the feelings, the nerdiness is all very important. And, it's important to be vulnerable. Also, those people who would read it and laugh are just assholes!!!
Really, it only ever matters that we like ourselves. So, why do we get so concerned with what other people think of us? Like if you meet a guy & you spend days obsessing over why he hasn't called or what his text meant or if he's going to ask you out again... but you're not even sure if you like him. That's weird! We torture ourselves for the attention I guess. We all want to be wanted but do we really care to be wanted by people who don't want us? And we have to know ourselves well enough & be happy enough with ourselves & sure enough about who we are & what we deserve so that one guy we don't even know if we like can make us feel less than we are.
I'm 30 years old. I'm just now starting to come fully into my own. I'm not good every day but I see bits and pieces. I do have good days. And it's those good days or those small moments when someone give you a compliment that you fill up & get a little bit more confident. And bit by bit- the confidence overrides the fear and we get more and more proud of who we are- we love ourselves a little bit more. This is vital! And sometimes I'm embarrassed that it's taken me so long to get to this point and that I still have so much farther to go. But then, I have to remind myself... it's a journey! Every moment of this journey is just as important as the next... no matter how big or how small.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Gratitude
Feeling overwhelmed with gratitude for life & for being a woman. I have so many beautiful & amazing women friends and family. On top of that, I also get to work with really amazing women too. Tonight we worked with these wives of Marines who were injured in Afghanistan. It's incredible to me what people can go through. It's amazing to me what people can endure and what the human spirit can face and how joy and love can win out in the end.
I've been thinking lately of the things I need- the things a woman needs. There's a song about Passionate Kisses & it goes a little something like that! Really though, a comfortable bed that won't hurt my back, food to fill me up, warm clothes, and all that stuff... and passionate kisses from you!!! We need sunshine and freedom, we need love and support, we need babies to hold and we need time to ourselves, we need warm bubble baths & glasses of wine, we need fresh air to breathe, we need good friends and family and I really do think we need passionate kisses as well. We should all have a hand to hold & someone to love who loves us in return.
I've been reading in Meditations from the Mat about Brahmacarya -moderation, balance... essentially! And that when we follow that voice in our heart that leads us in balance with total faith- we reach our full potential! And in a you tube video my friend sent me- Sean Corn talks about empowering ourselves and other women- we lift ourselves up so we can lift each other up. "The Universe has conspired to empower us!"
There is a woman who just started working with us- she has 2 daughters and recently broke up with her boyfriend who was cheating on her. She doesn't have a car & takes the bus- which stops running about 2 hours before she gets off work. She's so pretty and super sweet and you just know she's been through some shit. She doesn't have many friends here or much support & she's struggling financially... like we all are. But looking at her tonight- I see so many women. I see all of us who think we aren't worthy because some dude told us so. I see those of us who think we aren't capable or smart enough or pretty enough or just plain good enough... because some dude told us so. Or some jealous girl. Either way- all those not enough's come from fear. And there are 2 things- there is fear & there is love. So, can we please, for the love of love, choose love! Love for ourselves and love for each other. Women and men alike- we're all souls on a journey and we're all deserving of greatness- we all know unconditional love- on some spiritual level at least. Can we please be the love and support each other needs? The thing that will destroy us all is the distance between us! So let us reach out and help each other and hold each others hands and walk with each other in freedom and joy and love.
So back to what this woman needs- she needs love and she's got it! When we practice gratitude we are reminded of all that we have. We are such blessed people. I think everyone on this Earth can say at least one thing they are grateful (some of us are far more blessed & can think of many) and when you can start with one thing... more will come. It's often a choice & a perspective. Don't get me wrong- I know there are tough things, tough times, again... what the soul can endure amazes me. But even in the toughest of times- if we can remind ourselves of at least one thing to be grateful for, we can begin to come back to life- to grow. And that gratitude gives us confidence and that lets us better love ourselves and each other and that can heal the whole world.
So go on now, give me one thing you're grateful for...
I've been thinking lately of the things I need- the things a woman needs. There's a song about Passionate Kisses & it goes a little something like that! Really though, a comfortable bed that won't hurt my back, food to fill me up, warm clothes, and all that stuff... and passionate kisses from you!!! We need sunshine and freedom, we need love and support, we need babies to hold and we need time to ourselves, we need warm bubble baths & glasses of wine, we need fresh air to breathe, we need good friends and family and I really do think we need passionate kisses as well. We should all have a hand to hold & someone to love who loves us in return.
I've been reading in Meditations from the Mat about Brahmacarya -moderation, balance... essentially! And that when we follow that voice in our heart that leads us in balance with total faith- we reach our full potential! And in a you tube video my friend sent me- Sean Corn talks about empowering ourselves and other women- we lift ourselves up so we can lift each other up. "The Universe has conspired to empower us!"
There is a woman who just started working with us- she has 2 daughters and recently broke up with her boyfriend who was cheating on her. She doesn't have a car & takes the bus- which stops running about 2 hours before she gets off work. She's so pretty and super sweet and you just know she's been through some shit. She doesn't have many friends here or much support & she's struggling financially... like we all are. But looking at her tonight- I see so many women. I see all of us who think we aren't worthy because some dude told us so. I see those of us who think we aren't capable or smart enough or pretty enough or just plain good enough... because some dude told us so. Or some jealous girl. Either way- all those not enough's come from fear. And there are 2 things- there is fear & there is love. So, can we please, for the love of love, choose love! Love for ourselves and love for each other. Women and men alike- we're all souls on a journey and we're all deserving of greatness- we all know unconditional love- on some spiritual level at least. Can we please be the love and support each other needs? The thing that will destroy us all is the distance between us! So let us reach out and help each other and hold each others hands and walk with each other in freedom and joy and love.
So back to what this woman needs- she needs love and she's got it! When we practice gratitude we are reminded of all that we have. We are such blessed people. I think everyone on this Earth can say at least one thing they are grateful (some of us are far more blessed & can think of many) and when you can start with one thing... more will come. It's often a choice & a perspective. Don't get me wrong- I know there are tough things, tough times, again... what the soul can endure amazes me. But even in the toughest of times- if we can remind ourselves of at least one thing to be grateful for, we can begin to come back to life- to grow. And that gratitude gives us confidence and that lets us better love ourselves and each other and that can heal the whole world.
So go on now, give me one thing you're grateful for...
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Changes
Well it's been over a year. My baby met her "daddy", we moved to California, and I turned 30. A lot of really big changes! Yet as I read over my last entry... it pretty much sums it all up! So, where to start? Or, where to go from here? I'm writing again thanks to a suggestion from my best friend who's brilliant so i thought- what the hell... I'll try again!
My daughter has changed and grown so much as has our relationship. She's a genius and the most amazing human I've ever met. I love living in California. Minus the business, how insanely expensive it it, the smog, and the fact that I don't have any family nearby. I also love being 30. Though, as I near 31- my throat gets a little tight & my body aches a bit more! I feel like I'm finally starting to come into myself... finally! I'm starting to be ok with me! I even like me! Sometimes, it feels like I'm the only one but I'm certain that's not true! I still haven't met the love of my life (as in a male partner) and I wait & look for him everyday the same way I check into Soul Scapes every day to see if they've finally gotten my favorite incense in yet.
I did meet an amazing woman & chiropractor in Del Mar. She's helped us both with our physical health but also with our/ my emotional health! I've been doing more yoga ...not as much as I should seeing as to how I live in one of the great yoga meccas of the US! But, doing more yoga- reading more, trying to be patient with myself, be generous & compassionate & understanding and through all the bullshit- love.
The 'shoulds' -why 'should' we do or not do anything- ever?! And the being patient with ourselves... this is so huge. We're so patient with other people in our lives... mostly with small children and animals- but why are we so hard on ourselves? Why do we place limits on ourselves when we should break wide open and flow freely like the ocean? Why are we all so scared? How do we connect with one another or stay connected with fear in the way? How do we shift all this pointless fear into love- into something good we can do or be? There is a quote by Brian Andreas (who I love) :
My daughter has changed and grown so much as has our relationship. She's a genius and the most amazing human I've ever met. I love living in California. Minus the business, how insanely expensive it it, the smog, and the fact that I don't have any family nearby. I also love being 30. Though, as I near 31- my throat gets a little tight & my body aches a bit more! I feel like I'm finally starting to come into myself... finally! I'm starting to be ok with me! I even like me! Sometimes, it feels like I'm the only one but I'm certain that's not true! I still haven't met the love of my life (as in a male partner) and I wait & look for him everyday the same way I check into Soul Scapes every day to see if they've finally gotten my favorite incense in yet.
I did meet an amazing woman & chiropractor in Del Mar. She's helped us both with our physical health but also with our/ my emotional health! I've been doing more yoga ...not as much as I should seeing as to how I live in one of the great yoga meccas of the US! But, doing more yoga- reading more, trying to be patient with myself, be generous & compassionate & understanding and through all the bullshit- love.
The 'shoulds' -why 'should' we do or not do anything- ever?! And the being patient with ourselves... this is so huge. We're so patient with other people in our lives... mostly with small children and animals- but why are we so hard on ourselves? Why do we place limits on ourselves when we should break wide open and flow freely like the ocean? Why are we all so scared? How do we connect with one another or stay connected with fear in the way? How do we shift all this pointless fear into love- into something good we can do or be? There is a quote by Brian Andreas (who I love) :
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
rainy days
Oh sakes- it's been raining here for days. I don't remember the last warm, sunny day of spring! This morning- I had every intention to go do yoga... I have to go somewhere to do it because my daughter never really naps- consistently anyways! She's consistently inconsistent with nearly everything! I suppose that's to be expected at her age... and well, she IS my daughter so I guess that's just to be expected!!;) Anyhow, I didn't leave! J & I stayed in our pj's & read books & it was really wonderful! She does this thing where she wraps her hands around my neck & snuggles up & I tell you -my heart absolutely melts. It's so true -the love you have for your children is unlike any you've ever known.
I've had a couple of random (if you believe in random) conversations about children the last couple of days. One of our elementary schools is closing... the one I went to. The town is kind of going to shit. It's pretty sad. It's the basics that are important... creativity & honesty & math & spelling & art & conversation & love. These things seem to be missing. I wonder how there are so many children out there without families- without people who love them. I wonder how there are so many children out there without fathers & how those fathers continue to live with themselves. I wonder how we are ever going to 'solve' these situations. I wonder what the planet will look like in 3o years when my daughter starts having children. I wonder what religion will look like, will there be trees left, will people know their own families, will there be enough food for everyone, will those with food learn to share? Sometimes I get those feelings back- the ones I had in my early 20's & I think- I want to save the world! The only difference is that back then I had faith & now I feel jaded! I'd give anything to have that innocence & sensitivity & faith that people are mostly good back.
People aren't perfect. I'm far from it. I think though, that I expect a great deal more out of people than I should? Or maybe I expect more than they can give? I'm not sure- either way though, I'm terribly disappointed most of the time. I've heard it said that the thing you can't stand about someone else is only a reflection of something you can't stand about yourself. ...I really hate this saying! It's such a bummer. I'm beginning to think that I need to be stronger- in so many ways! ...that seems to be my major let down these days. I expect people, mostly men, to be stronger, to be better & they're just not. Maybe I'm just not. I'm working on it; I'm trying. Maybe they're trying too? I just lose compassion at a certain point!
Signs. I used to believe in signs too. These days, I'm not so sure. I keep looking for places to live & I'm not finding anything. Am I being to picky? Am I so scared to make a move that the fear is paralyzing me from taking that next big step? Am I right where I need to be so the Universe is against me taking any big steps quite yet? It's all so exhausting! I'm not used to being unhappy. I used to feel pretty content with my life. I mean, I've always wanted more. I've always thought the grass was greener. I've always wanted so many different things in so many different places that I never could pick a path or set a goal. But, I was at least happy. What's happened? How do we get back to the simple things? How do we just be thankful, sincerely thankful for what we have instead of pissed off about all the things we don't have?
These are the kinds of things that run though my head on rainy days. I love rainy days & thunderstorms. But, after a day or two I just get depressed & start to ponder things so heavily that I can convince everyone around me that I'm in this deep, dark hole & there's no getting out... ever!!! ...it's quite an accomplishment!;)
I suppose mama said there'd be days like this!!!
I've had a couple of random (if you believe in random) conversations about children the last couple of days. One of our elementary schools is closing... the one I went to. The town is kind of going to shit. It's pretty sad. It's the basics that are important... creativity & honesty & math & spelling & art & conversation & love. These things seem to be missing. I wonder how there are so many children out there without families- without people who love them. I wonder how there are so many children out there without fathers & how those fathers continue to live with themselves. I wonder how we are ever going to 'solve' these situations. I wonder what the planet will look like in 3o years when my daughter starts having children. I wonder what religion will look like, will there be trees left, will people know their own families, will there be enough food for everyone, will those with food learn to share? Sometimes I get those feelings back- the ones I had in my early 20's & I think- I want to save the world! The only difference is that back then I had faith & now I feel jaded! I'd give anything to have that innocence & sensitivity & faith that people are mostly good back.
People aren't perfect. I'm far from it. I think though, that I expect a great deal more out of people than I should? Or maybe I expect more than they can give? I'm not sure- either way though, I'm terribly disappointed most of the time. I've heard it said that the thing you can't stand about someone else is only a reflection of something you can't stand about yourself. ...I really hate this saying! It's such a bummer. I'm beginning to think that I need to be stronger- in so many ways! ...that seems to be my major let down these days. I expect people, mostly men, to be stronger, to be better & they're just not. Maybe I'm just not. I'm working on it; I'm trying. Maybe they're trying too? I just lose compassion at a certain point!
Signs. I used to believe in signs too. These days, I'm not so sure. I keep looking for places to live & I'm not finding anything. Am I being to picky? Am I so scared to make a move that the fear is paralyzing me from taking that next big step? Am I right where I need to be so the Universe is against me taking any big steps quite yet? It's all so exhausting! I'm not used to being unhappy. I used to feel pretty content with my life. I mean, I've always wanted more. I've always thought the grass was greener. I've always wanted so many different things in so many different places that I never could pick a path or set a goal. But, I was at least happy. What's happened? How do we get back to the simple things? How do we just be thankful, sincerely thankful for what we have instead of pissed off about all the things we don't have?
These are the kinds of things that run though my head on rainy days. I love rainy days & thunderstorms. But, after a day or two I just get depressed & start to ponder things so heavily that I can convince everyone around me that I'm in this deep, dark hole & there's no getting out... ever!!! ...it's quite an accomplishment!;)
I suppose mama said there'd be days like this!!!
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