Oh sakes- it's been raining here for days. I don't remember the last warm, sunny day of spring! This morning- I had every intention to go do yoga... I have to go somewhere to do it because my daughter never really naps- consistently anyways! She's consistently inconsistent with nearly everything! I suppose that's to be expected at her age... and well, she IS my daughter so I guess that's just to be expected!!;) Anyhow, I didn't leave! J & I stayed in our pj's & read books & it was really wonderful! She does this thing where she wraps her hands around my neck & snuggles up & I tell you -my heart absolutely melts. It's so true -the love you have for your children is unlike any you've ever known.
I've had a couple of random (if you believe in random) conversations about children the last couple of days. One of our elementary schools is closing... the one I went to. The town is kind of going to shit. It's pretty sad. It's the basics that are important... creativity & honesty & math & spelling & art & conversation & love. These things seem to be missing. I wonder how there are so many children out there without families- without people who love them. I wonder how there are so many children out there without fathers & how those fathers continue to live with themselves. I wonder how we are ever going to 'solve' these situations. I wonder what the planet will look like in 3o years when my daughter starts having children. I wonder what religion will look like, will there be trees left, will people know their own families, will there be enough food for everyone, will those with food learn to share? Sometimes I get those feelings back- the ones I had in my early 20's & I think- I want to save the world! The only difference is that back then I had faith & now I feel jaded! I'd give anything to have that innocence & sensitivity & faith that people are mostly good back.
People aren't perfect. I'm far from it. I think though, that I expect a great deal more out of people than I should? Or maybe I expect more than they can give? I'm not sure- either way though, I'm terribly disappointed most of the time. I've heard it said that the thing you can't stand about someone else is only a reflection of something you can't stand about yourself. ...I really hate this saying! It's such a bummer. I'm beginning to think that I need to be stronger- in so many ways! ...that seems to be my major let down these days. I expect people, mostly men, to be stronger, to be better & they're just not. Maybe I'm just not. I'm working on it; I'm trying. Maybe they're trying too? I just lose compassion at a certain point!
Signs. I used to believe in signs too. These days, I'm not so sure. I keep looking for places to live & I'm not finding anything. Am I being to picky? Am I so scared to make a move that the fear is paralyzing me from taking that next big step? Am I right where I need to be so the Universe is against me taking any big steps quite yet? It's all so exhausting! I'm not used to being unhappy. I used to feel pretty content with my life. I mean, I've always wanted more. I've always thought the grass was greener. I've always wanted so many different things in so many different places that I never could pick a path or set a goal. But, I was at least happy. What's happened? How do we get back to the simple things? How do we just be thankful, sincerely thankful for what we have instead of pissed off about all the things we don't have?
These are the kinds of things that run though my head on rainy days. I love rainy days & thunderstorms. But, after a day or two I just get depressed & start to ponder things so heavily that I can convince everyone around me that I'm in this deep, dark hole & there's no getting out... ever!!! ...it's quite an accomplishment!;)
I suppose mama said there'd be days like this!!!
life. soul. love. heart. philosophy. food. babies. yoga. healing. nature. hope. travel. sparkles. plant-based nutrition. community. togetherness. growth. acceptance. authenticity. safety. vulnerability. peace.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Stand your ground!
Well, oh my- we made it through the birthday festivities! So much has happened & I wonder why I wait so long to write!?! I have a million & a half things running through my mind all the time & I can't find time to write any of it down!
it started a few weekends ago when my aunt so graciously offered to watch my baby girl. J hasn't stayed with her in a very long time. So, naturally, I was talking to my aunt about the things she eats/ doesn't, what she drinks, how much, nap times, the important stuff! If you know me at all, you know I'm not super strict! And, you know that I can take a joke & I'm fairly easy going about most things. Wellll... so my aunt starts joking about feeding J some doritos & Mt. Dew & chocolate milk & other junk food. Then she tells my other aunt how I was freaking out about nap times ...I wish I could go into detail here but #1 it's long & ridiculous #2 it still really pisses me off! But she goes on to say that I can just leave & what I don't know won't hurt me & she can handle this- she has a kid & she practically raised me!
J likes to feed herself so I make her organic spelt or buckwheat pancakes with vegetables, applesauce, bananas, frozen fruit... things like this. She drinks organic milk b/c I'm freaked out by all the hormones! So, for me to even think about my daughters tiny little body trying to digest Mt. Dew is like a nightmare! Anyways, I laughed at first until she wouldn't give it up... I nearly cried. I nearly cried & told her that this is important to me & if she can't respect that than I'll not have my daughter spending time with her.
You might not think that's a very big deal... but it was! For some reason, I am still not expected to have opinions or a voice which is weird but I'm realizing this about my family! They always think they know best & as long as you agree with them you're good to go but challenge them & *gasp* eat vegetables... you're a freak!
Now, for her birthday, I bought all compostable & recyclable tableware & hand made the decorations. j had an organic, vegan carrot cake (which i frosted with 'real' sugar!!) & I had a good variety of healthy & not so healthy treats. This was a pretty big deal apparently! I'm not sure why it bothers them or that they had to mention anything! What's so wrong with trying to help the planet a little bit? It is my gift to my child who has to live on this beautiful Earth for the next 90 years or so.. God willing!
Now, onto the Dr. for our one year check up! Vaccinations! Oh my! I had no idea that this was such a touchy subject! To make a long story short... we're looking for our 3rd pediatrician. Most Dr.s won't take you if you don't fully vaccinate your children at 2,4, & 6 months. If you find one's that will be flexible, you still have to start by one. I'm not even totally opposed to all of them. In fact, J has one of her shots in full. It's just that I stay home with her, for the most part, & we don't travel much or eat out so I don't feel it necessary to start her on all these toxins at such an early age. And, why wouldn't i want her immune system to have a chance! ...amongst the many other reasons! The big deal here is that the Dr. was a HUGE B with a bad itch! She yelled at me, reprimanded me, told me I could pick which one I wanted to give her but I HAD to choose on... which one was it going to be? I told her neither & I didn't appreciate being talked to like that & she told me to find a new Dr. & stormed out of the room. Wow! I was floored! What really gets me is a.) that i was able to stand my ground like that & b.) what if I hadn't been an educated adult? What if I had been your run of the mill... do people expect to be treated like that by their physicians? Do most people think that they don't have a say in their health care? Do most people just go by what the Dr. says... assuming they know best? And why do we, as parents, not have a say in our childrens health & well being? Why is it up to the government to make these decisions for us? I understand the ups & downs of it all & I can see the horrific things we might encounter if we did not have these vaccinations. And, I am thankful to live in a place where I don't have to worry about these diseases & that there are vaccinations available. However, at the end of the day, if I don't think my child is at risk, if I have weighed all the options, if I have done my research, shouldn't it be my decision & shouldn't I be supported in that decision by my health care provider?! ARG UGH... blah!
Our health is our responsibility. Our home, our bodies, our planet... these are our responsibilities too. These are our choices. We have to know what we stand for, we have to know what is important to us & then we have to take a stand & stand our ground against our family, friends, physicians, or whoever!
it started a few weekends ago when my aunt so graciously offered to watch my baby girl. J hasn't stayed with her in a very long time. So, naturally, I was talking to my aunt about the things she eats/ doesn't, what she drinks, how much, nap times, the important stuff! If you know me at all, you know I'm not super strict! And, you know that I can take a joke & I'm fairly easy going about most things. Wellll... so my aunt starts joking about feeding J some doritos & Mt. Dew & chocolate milk & other junk food. Then she tells my other aunt how I was freaking out about nap times ...I wish I could go into detail here but #1 it's long & ridiculous #2 it still really pisses me off! But she goes on to say that I can just leave & what I don't know won't hurt me & she can handle this- she has a kid & she practically raised me!
J likes to feed herself so I make her organic spelt or buckwheat pancakes with vegetables, applesauce, bananas, frozen fruit... things like this. She drinks organic milk b/c I'm freaked out by all the hormones! So, for me to even think about my daughters tiny little body trying to digest Mt. Dew is like a nightmare! Anyways, I laughed at first until she wouldn't give it up... I nearly cried. I nearly cried & told her that this is important to me & if she can't respect that than I'll not have my daughter spending time with her.
You might not think that's a very big deal... but it was! For some reason, I am still not expected to have opinions or a voice which is weird but I'm realizing this about my family! They always think they know best & as long as you agree with them you're good to go but challenge them & *gasp* eat vegetables... you're a freak!
Now, for her birthday, I bought all compostable & recyclable tableware & hand made the decorations. j had an organic, vegan carrot cake (which i frosted with 'real' sugar!!) & I had a good variety of healthy & not so healthy treats. This was a pretty big deal apparently! I'm not sure why it bothers them or that they had to mention anything! What's so wrong with trying to help the planet a little bit? It is my gift to my child who has to live on this beautiful Earth for the next 90 years or so.. God willing!
Now, onto the Dr. for our one year check up! Vaccinations! Oh my! I had no idea that this was such a touchy subject! To make a long story short... we're looking for our 3rd pediatrician. Most Dr.s won't take you if you don't fully vaccinate your children at 2,4, & 6 months. If you find one's that will be flexible, you still have to start by one. I'm not even totally opposed to all of them. In fact, J has one of her shots in full. It's just that I stay home with her, for the most part, & we don't travel much or eat out so I don't feel it necessary to start her on all these toxins at such an early age. And, why wouldn't i want her immune system to have a chance! ...amongst the many other reasons! The big deal here is that the Dr. was a HUGE B with a bad itch! She yelled at me, reprimanded me, told me I could pick which one I wanted to give her but I HAD to choose on... which one was it going to be? I told her neither & I didn't appreciate being talked to like that & she told me to find a new Dr. & stormed out of the room. Wow! I was floored! What really gets me is a.) that i was able to stand my ground like that & b.) what if I hadn't been an educated adult? What if I had been your run of the mill... do people expect to be treated like that by their physicians? Do most people think that they don't have a say in their health care? Do most people just go by what the Dr. says... assuming they know best? And why do we, as parents, not have a say in our childrens health & well being? Why is it up to the government to make these decisions for us? I understand the ups & downs of it all & I can see the horrific things we might encounter if we did not have these vaccinations. And, I am thankful to live in a place where I don't have to worry about these diseases & that there are vaccinations available. However, at the end of the day, if I don't think my child is at risk, if I have weighed all the options, if I have done my research, shouldn't it be my decision & shouldn't I be supported in that decision by my health care provider?! ARG UGH... blah!
Our health is our responsibility. Our home, our bodies, our planet... these are our responsibilities too. These are our choices. We have to know what we stand for, we have to know what is important to us & then we have to take a stand & stand our ground against our family, friends, physicians, or whoever!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Life & Death
As my daughter nears one year... I've been thinking about her life & how her life gave my life purpose. Also, as this time approaches, I've been sitting with my uncle as he faces his death. I read a meditation the other day... about how life & death are two in the same. when there is a death of a part of us, there is a new life to us too. Does this make sense? When my daughter was born... an old part of me, old habits, old thought patterns, old ways of life... those things sort of died. perhaps I can explain myself a little better:
"I had seen birth and death,
But had thought they were different; this Brith was
Hard and bitter agony for us, like Death, our death.
We returned to our places, these Kingdoms,
But no longer at ease here, in the old dispensation..."
-T.S. Elliot
"by the time we actually arrive at the decision to let go of something, we shall "be glad of another death." When we are ready to let go, we will do so with relief..." From Meditations from the Mat
So, I've been stuck on this one. I keep thinking about it, keep coming back to it. There are so many old habits & patterns I want to let go of - so much of me that is ready to let go of these things that tie me down & hold me back & to move forward free & happy & healthy. For some reason, I keep clinging to these old patterns. I keep living in the same place, put little effort into my business, I'm not the person, the friend, the daughter, the sister, or most importantly, the mother I want to be. Baby steps I keep telling myself. And, sleep deprivation plays a serious part in all of this- I know! A fact that should be recognized but not used as an excuse!
A few nights ago, I spent the night in the Hospice house with my uncle who is dying of cancer. He is fighting for his life. I'm not sure if he thinks he's going to beat this or if he doesn't have faith in anything so he's terrified of letting go or what the situation is. I don't fear death so I don't get it. That being said- please God, please don't make me go out like that. Cancer is the most horrendous thing. I'm not sure why we haven't found a cure for it. Perhaps it's the way we live our lives- that prevention is our cure? I truly believe that we have to find balance in mind, body, & soul. I'm not saying that that balance will prevent us from cancer- but I am certain it will help us to live better lives.
Have you ever spent time in a Hospice house? I'm not sure how those nurses do it. The whole place feels kind of heavy, like death. There was a woman down the hall crying out in agony & confusion all night. My uncle was miserable, in pain, vomiting, sleepless... My heart just breaks for him. And for my family. I don't think anyone is really able to deal with this or process just exactly what it is that's happening. There are 6 kids in that family & they all had to watch their parents struggle & die of cancer about 30 years ago... there are many layers to this.
I will get to my point here. I don't want to die like that. Most importantly, I don't want to live like this. We can't control how we die. We can, to some extent, control how we live. It might take a little discipline, a little faith, a lot of grace, a bunch of trust, quiet time, laughter, and above all things- love. Love for self & for others & for all living things.
If you have your health it seems you're able to pray for a million different things. If you don't have your health, it seems the only things we can pray for is our health! So, why did I just eat that box of girlscout cookies, drink that extra cup of coffee that I know will make me jittery, spend an extra hour dinking around on the computer, watching The Young & the Restless... doing these things that don't really matter or give me great pleasure. I mean, if I were to die right now, is this how I'd want to go... on the computer instead of laughing & playing with my daughter?
Ok, just to clarify... there's nothing wrong with a little time on the computer, a little coffee, or a cookie or two. But, when these things take up most of your day & make you numb to the things that really matter- we've got to make changes. I'd rather be reading a book, enjoying a nice cup of tea, doing an hour of yoga than getting an extra hour of sleep, taking a bath than watching the Young & the Restless... (most days, but I really do love it- guilty pleasure, please don't judge me!). So if I want to be doing these things... why am I not?
Food& exercise play such a large role in our energy levels, mood, & overall health. With just a little bit of discipline & a few changes in lifestyle, I could be so much happier. Why do I continue to live this way? It's driving me mad!
Getting back to the quote... the new ways have been paved. I am nearing this death of my old patterns but I just can't quite seem to make them die. I suppose it is a gradual thing & it's going to take practice on my end. Dang it! Yesterday I swore I would start making changes to live a healthier life. Today I started my period, my computer died & I fought with the people from Dell for an hour, ate 6 thin mint cookies with my morning coffee.... But then my best friend called & things started to look up! it's all about perspective!
"I had seen birth and death,
But had thought they were different; this Brith was
Hard and bitter agony for us, like Death, our death.
We returned to our places, these Kingdoms,
But no longer at ease here, in the old dispensation..."
-T.S. Elliot
"by the time we actually arrive at the decision to let go of something, we shall "be glad of another death." When we are ready to let go, we will do so with relief..." From Meditations from the Mat
So, I've been stuck on this one. I keep thinking about it, keep coming back to it. There are so many old habits & patterns I want to let go of - so much of me that is ready to let go of these things that tie me down & hold me back & to move forward free & happy & healthy. For some reason, I keep clinging to these old patterns. I keep living in the same place, put little effort into my business, I'm not the person, the friend, the daughter, the sister, or most importantly, the mother I want to be. Baby steps I keep telling myself. And, sleep deprivation plays a serious part in all of this- I know! A fact that should be recognized but not used as an excuse!
A few nights ago, I spent the night in the Hospice house with my uncle who is dying of cancer. He is fighting for his life. I'm not sure if he thinks he's going to beat this or if he doesn't have faith in anything so he's terrified of letting go or what the situation is. I don't fear death so I don't get it. That being said- please God, please don't make me go out like that. Cancer is the most horrendous thing. I'm not sure why we haven't found a cure for it. Perhaps it's the way we live our lives- that prevention is our cure? I truly believe that we have to find balance in mind, body, & soul. I'm not saying that that balance will prevent us from cancer- but I am certain it will help us to live better lives.
Have you ever spent time in a Hospice house? I'm not sure how those nurses do it. The whole place feels kind of heavy, like death. There was a woman down the hall crying out in agony & confusion all night. My uncle was miserable, in pain, vomiting, sleepless... My heart just breaks for him. And for my family. I don't think anyone is really able to deal with this or process just exactly what it is that's happening. There are 6 kids in that family & they all had to watch their parents struggle & die of cancer about 30 years ago... there are many layers to this.
I will get to my point here. I don't want to die like that. Most importantly, I don't want to live like this. We can't control how we die. We can, to some extent, control how we live. It might take a little discipline, a little faith, a lot of grace, a bunch of trust, quiet time, laughter, and above all things- love. Love for self & for others & for all living things.
If you have your health it seems you're able to pray for a million different things. If you don't have your health, it seems the only things we can pray for is our health! So, why did I just eat that box of girlscout cookies, drink that extra cup of coffee that I know will make me jittery, spend an extra hour dinking around on the computer, watching The Young & the Restless... doing these things that don't really matter or give me great pleasure. I mean, if I were to die right now, is this how I'd want to go... on the computer instead of laughing & playing with my daughter?
Ok, just to clarify... there's nothing wrong with a little time on the computer, a little coffee, or a cookie or two. But, when these things take up most of your day & make you numb to the things that really matter- we've got to make changes. I'd rather be reading a book, enjoying a nice cup of tea, doing an hour of yoga than getting an extra hour of sleep, taking a bath than watching the Young & the Restless... (most days, but I really do love it- guilty pleasure, please don't judge me!). So if I want to be doing these things... why am I not?
Food& exercise play such a large role in our energy levels, mood, & overall health. With just a little bit of discipline & a few changes in lifestyle, I could be so much happier. Why do I continue to live this way? It's driving me mad!
Getting back to the quote... the new ways have been paved. I am nearing this death of my old patterns but I just can't quite seem to make them die. I suppose it is a gradual thing & it's going to take practice on my end. Dang it! Yesterday I swore I would start making changes to live a healthier life. Today I started my period, my computer died & I fought with the people from Dell for an hour, ate 6 thin mint cookies with my morning coffee.... But then my best friend called & things started to look up! it's all about perspective!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Is there life out there?
I'm pretty sure that's a song by Reba!!
I've got my coffee & Pandora rocking & a few brief moments to write! I just finished reading my dear friends blog & it's one of my favorite things to do, other than to be with her in person or even to talk with her on the phone! She has a way with words. She has a heart & a sense of adventure unlike any other. She talks of rainbows & old cookbooks & gardening... & my heart leaps with gratitude to have a friend like this & I feel myself starting to dream a little & feeling a little bit more like myself!
I crave a little stability. I wonder a lot these days about the things that I'm supposed to do & the resistance I meet in doing them. I feel like everyone is trying to get me to move to Des Moines but I feel like I can't breathe when I think about it- like I want to dig my heels in the ground & stand firm & throw a fit if I have to but dang it- I refuse to settle in Iowa & build a life here! So I ask why? There is a great community of very supportive people here. I have my family here. It's affordable to live here... it really does have it's moments! And, it's supposed to get up to 35 degrees today!!! I want to put my feet somewhere. I want that stability. I just don't want it here. I somehow know that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be for the moment though & it's driving my crazy! I dream of Hawaii & of Colorado & of time with good friends... yet I sit here. So as I sit here, I try to remind myself that all in due time! Things are unfolding as they should & I am where I need to be. Ugh!
I know my calling. I am almost certain I know what it is! I am supposed to do massage & body work & energy work & teach yoga. The massage part I am doing. The daily meditation I am not. I love my yoga mat. It's my favorite place in the world... next to being with my daughter & the ocean! For some reason I am stalling so big & so bad & I don't know why. I have been practicing for over 10 years. People have wanted me to start classes but I lack the confidence. Now, I am taking a teacher training & I can't get myself to really participate. A part of me wants to jump into these books & onto that mat & stay for a few days. Another part of me just doesn't have the time & I find myself doing laundry or searching the web or planning my daughters birthday party, making her tutu, baking cookies, anything really instead of diving into that delicious yoga material.
I read in "Meditations from the Mat" the other day that "You can renounce bananas all you like, but if you continue to live in your banana home on your banana street, if you keep your job at the banana warehouse & hang out with your banana-gobbling friends, you'll be eating bananas before you know it." "Practice is doing the work. It is following up your intention with action."
So true. Get to work now. Quit stalling. How are we to stay true to ourselves when we don't know who we really are? How are we to know who we really are if we don't spend anytime in meditation or prayer? The world moves at a fast pace & it's all very loud. We need that slow, quiet time each day. It is vital to our growth.
Baby daddy drama
Today is Tuesday. I'm exhausted! My daughter was sleeping through the night... it lasted about a week & a 1/2 & then it was over. I was doing really well there for a bit! I'd get up & practice yoga & get things sorted out for the day & start coffee & breakfast so that when J woke up we could just eat & then play for a bit. It's amazing what 90 extra minutes in the morning can do! It really can change your life!!!
Things were seeming really clear. I had come to terms with being here in Iowa- not forever, but for now. I was practicing gratitude & being thankful for where I'm at & all that I have. But, a few nights without sleep, allowing myself to give into those cravings for cookies & coffee, not having more than 45 minutes during the day to myself, and a 6 hour conversation with my baby daddy... I have fallen off the wagon!
Lets start with the baby daddy conversation! Conversation #1 was great! We talked for 3 hours & it was like when we first met. We had so much fun talking about everything & nothing & dreaming. His dreams give me breath. Most anyone in my close circle of friends dream's give me breath. (did that make sense?!) It's like I've forgotten the ability to dream myself. Like I'm too tired & nothing seems possible anymore. So, I'll stay where I am b/c it's a safe place & everyone here loves my little girl so much that it would be horrendous of me to take her away. Ok, back on track here... we had a great conversation! He's finally going to take the paternity test, though he says he already knows the outcome! He says he wants to visit soon- like within the next couple of weeks. I hold on to hope that he'll be here for her first birthday. Sometimes I don't know why. Sometimes I know I need to tell him to fuck off! But I think it's because I have an amazing father & step-father & I feel like it's her right to know hers. When a child is born- there are 2 people who are supposed to love him or her unconditionally forever & ever & be there every step of the way. I know that this doesn't happen for every child... but it should.
Conversation #2: a complete 180! So weird. He was like a totally different person. He was a little angry & violent & really sad & all these things that were SO unlike the first guy I had talked to. I would have assumed he was really drunk but can alcohol make you go from 0 - 60 in 3.2?! I've had my fair share of experience with it & I know it can alter one a great deal but this was too weird. Anyways, I let him talk for almost another 3 hours. I think a part of me just wanted to see what would happen. I notice how I let him affect my mood too. After our first conversation- I felt all was right with the world, that everything happens for a reason & God will see us through. After conversation #2, I felt I was being taken advantage of & walked all over & that he would never get his shit together & if I don't run away now we'll be in for heartache after heartache.
So, I find myself standing back again. I've got to find my strength again. I've got to do this on my own. I can't allow myself to even think or dream of having any help along the way because then my mind drifts to all the what if's I just can't handle those right now. I've got to focus on the what is! I'm hanging on by a thread! I'll make it! I'll come back roaring & fighting & dancing with grace & beauty & strength because I've got the most amazing little girl & she deserves that!
For now, I'm going to take advantage of these next 20 or so minutes I have left & get on my mat!
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Setting records
I haven't written in a while because I've been so tired & that usually makes me feel pretty negative & I feel like if I don't have anything good to say, i shouldn't say anything at all.
Life is busy. I don't even work... maybe an actual 10 hours a week. I can't imagine what I'd do if I had to work 40 hours a week- how do people do it?
My daughter is almost one. I can't believe how fast the time has gone & the journey we've had. A baby's first birthday is supposed to be this big event! I really don't feel up to having a houseful of people, or renting a space & decorating with lots of stuff that's just going to end up in the dump, pumping my daughter full of sugar... it all just seems crazy! So, I've decided to keep it simple. We'll have a few close family members & friends, we'll have little cupcakes & simple homemade decorations & send evites & I have decided I'll bake her a cake... it just might be an organic vegan carrot cake!!! I've got to get on the ball with this. I have this way about procrastinating! I also tend to have these great big ideas & the follow through gets overwhelming! We'll see how it goes!
So, I started my yoga teacher training this last week. It's been amazing! I've learned over & over this week the importance of trusting my instincts. One Thursday, for example, J woke up sick & the wetaher was turning bad & I thought, I don't want to drive to DSM to do one massage but I can't just call & cancel- even though I think the client might... I'll just go. Well, what do you know! I get almost to work & my client cancelled! Also, I had been thinking about doing this prenatal yoga teacher training in CA in April. I wanted to do it but couldn't get my mind prepped like it was really going to happen. I sent the woman an email the other day asking her a few confirming questions & she wrote back that the traning had benn cancelled. It just affirms that we all hold the answers within us. When we ask a question- we know the answer. We just have to trust our selves.
My dear friend has been talking of Ahisma lately & it was brought up again in my yoga training. It is a vital part. I, too, wrote it on my arm to remind myself that when I start to think of all the things I haven't done or haven't done the way I wanted to, or the junk food I've been eating, or the laziness I've allowed myself to indulge in... I try to remind myself that I am doing the best I can with what I have & that is enough for this one moment.
This last year, I have lost so much of myself that if you asked me "So, who are you?" I wouldn't really be able to answer. Much of it is due to sleep deprivation & the rest of it is the many giant life changes that have occured. I wouldn't change any of it & I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I believe that everything happens for a reason & though we might not see it at the time, it will reveal itself eventually. And it has. I am beginning to see.
I keep thinking that winter should be winding down. It's almost March. As I type this... it's still snowing. We're setting records now! I have decided just to embrace this winter- the challenge is on- bring it! We might as well set a record for most snowfall ...ever!!!
I wish I were with my dear friend, sitting on a beach, the sun on our faces, laughter in the air, rainbows in the distance, and perhaps even a cold beer in hand! A girl can dream, right?!
Life is busy. I don't even work... maybe an actual 10 hours a week. I can't imagine what I'd do if I had to work 40 hours a week- how do people do it?
My daughter is almost one. I can't believe how fast the time has gone & the journey we've had. A baby's first birthday is supposed to be this big event! I really don't feel up to having a houseful of people, or renting a space & decorating with lots of stuff that's just going to end up in the dump, pumping my daughter full of sugar... it all just seems crazy! So, I've decided to keep it simple. We'll have a few close family members & friends, we'll have little cupcakes & simple homemade decorations & send evites & I have decided I'll bake her a cake... it just might be an organic vegan carrot cake!!! I've got to get on the ball with this. I have this way about procrastinating! I also tend to have these great big ideas & the follow through gets overwhelming! We'll see how it goes!
So, I started my yoga teacher training this last week. It's been amazing! I've learned over & over this week the importance of trusting my instincts. One Thursday, for example, J woke up sick & the wetaher was turning bad & I thought, I don't want to drive to DSM to do one massage but I can't just call & cancel- even though I think the client might... I'll just go. Well, what do you know! I get almost to work & my client cancelled! Also, I had been thinking about doing this prenatal yoga teacher training in CA in April. I wanted to do it but couldn't get my mind prepped like it was really going to happen. I sent the woman an email the other day asking her a few confirming questions & she wrote back that the traning had benn cancelled. It just affirms that we all hold the answers within us. When we ask a question- we know the answer. We just have to trust our selves.
My dear friend has been talking of Ahisma lately & it was brought up again in my yoga training. It is a vital part. I, too, wrote it on my arm to remind myself that when I start to think of all the things I haven't done or haven't done the way I wanted to, or the junk food I've been eating, or the laziness I've allowed myself to indulge in... I try to remind myself that I am doing the best I can with what I have & that is enough for this one moment.
This last year, I have lost so much of myself that if you asked me "So, who are you?" I wouldn't really be able to answer. Much of it is due to sleep deprivation & the rest of it is the many giant life changes that have occured. I wouldn't change any of it & I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I believe that everything happens for a reason & though we might not see it at the time, it will reveal itself eventually. And it has. I am beginning to see.
I keep thinking that winter should be winding down. It's almost March. As I type this... it's still snowing. We're setting records now! I have decided just to embrace this winter- the challenge is on- bring it! We might as well set a record for most snowfall ...ever!!!
I wish I were with my dear friend, sitting on a beach, the sun on our faces, laughter in the air, rainbows in the distance, and perhaps even a cold beer in hand! A girl can dream, right?!
Friday, January 29, 2010
be gentle
Why are we so hard on ourselves? I seem to be so understanding & patient & compassionate when it comes to other people! I can always see the bright side of a situation & can encourage others when they need it. But when it comes to me, I realize, I'm so hard on myself. Why? Why do we do that to ourselves. Why do we put ourselves & our needs on the back burner?
A friend of mine once told me a story that a friend had told her... about potty training a puppy! She said you set the newspaper out & without fail the puppy will have an 'accident' off of the newspaper! What do you do? You certainly wouldn't scream or instantly get mad at the puppy, you pick him up & put him back on the newspaper & try again to teach him this lesson- right?! So, shouldn't we have the same patience with ourselves? Yes, yes we should!
So many thoughts running around in my head every day! Most of the time I'm too tired to process any of them! It really helps for me to write things out b/c then I feel much better in the end. It's a funny thing about thoughts vs. the written word. I find that thoughts come & go but once you've written something down- it seems to be there for ever! Like there's no escaping it & you read it later & you can't deny that you had that thought or that feeling. If all things or feelings are neither good or bad then it shouldn't matter. But, I carry this guilt for the parts of me that aren't so wonderful or happy. We all have a light & a dark side & we need to be comfortable with both of them but geesh, I sometimes wish I'd stop writing some of it down!!! Or, just be easier on myself! Remind myself as I would remind a friend- that all things happen for a reason, it's all part of us, & there's no shame in it. It's not the thoughts or feelings as much as it is the action you take or don't take.
So, be patient with yourself- life is but a journey! You're only here to learn & to love or perhaps to learn to truly love. Either way, enjoy the ride!
A friend of mine once told me a story that a friend had told her... about potty training a puppy! She said you set the newspaper out & without fail the puppy will have an 'accident' off of the newspaper! What do you do? You certainly wouldn't scream or instantly get mad at the puppy, you pick him up & put him back on the newspaper & try again to teach him this lesson- right?! So, shouldn't we have the same patience with ourselves? Yes, yes we should!
So many thoughts running around in my head every day! Most of the time I'm too tired to process any of them! It really helps for me to write things out b/c then I feel much better in the end. It's a funny thing about thoughts vs. the written word. I find that thoughts come & go but once you've written something down- it seems to be there for ever! Like there's no escaping it & you read it later & you can't deny that you had that thought or that feeling. If all things or feelings are neither good or bad then it shouldn't matter. But, I carry this guilt for the parts of me that aren't so wonderful or happy. We all have a light & a dark side & we need to be comfortable with both of them but geesh, I sometimes wish I'd stop writing some of it down!!! Or, just be easier on myself! Remind myself as I would remind a friend- that all things happen for a reason, it's all part of us, & there's no shame in it. It's not the thoughts or feelings as much as it is the action you take or don't take.
So, be patient with yourself- life is but a journey! You're only here to learn & to love or perhaps to learn to truly love. Either way, enjoy the ride!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Weather
So I've always thought it funny that old people sit & talk about the weather! Not even just old people- my parents, my dad in particular! He's always talking about the weather. I usually just smile & nod because usually, I could care less or maybe I just realize that we never really know what's in store for us so just stop trying to predict & go with the flow?! Lately however, I can't help but talk about it- or just bitch about it! What a horrible winter we've had! We seem to be snowed in or iced or stuck in blizzard conditions more days than not. Ordinarily, I would just get out anyways- brave the day! But having a baby makes it harder. Why get her out if I don't absolutely have to! I mean, it leans toward child endangerment!!!
The other day we woke up to 1/4 inch ice covering everything! It was so beautiful though, so beautiful! I felt terrible for the poor trees, hanging on to their branches for dear life, weighed down by ice. It got me thinking how superficial & deceiving that beauty is! It's hazardous, treacherous even! It's like in Beauty & the Beast ...Gaston is this gorgeous (depends on your taste- I'm just trying to make a point here!) man- appears strong & brave but is totally disgusting & self centered & egotistical ...we all know the type! And then there's the Beast- A prince in disguise! I'd take a beast over Gaston any day! Although I guess you'd have to be the beauty to turn him into a prince... ugh, it all gets so complicated & I seem to have gotten completely side tracked!!!
So, the sun is shining today- for the first day since I don't know when. It is amazing what a little sunshine will do! We finally got out of the house & I got to go to work- I feel 100 times better- almost like a real human again! Oh how I long to live some place warm & tropical & beautiful again.
All this complaining has got me thinking... Things could always be worse. I feel horrible complaining because at the end of the day- I'm healthy & my friends & family are healthy & we've got food to eat & a warm house to stay in a warm bed to sleep in & cloths to wear, a car to drive... all these things. And there are people all over the world, or just next door even that face bigger struggles. Still, somehow I feel entitled -like I should have more or be more. All I really want is to be a person I can be proud of, a person that my daughter can look up to & admire. A person who is living the life she is meant to live. I don't feel like I'm that kind of person anymore. I used to be a person I kind of liked- sure I had my issues & my moments, but overall, I really liked her! Now, I can't seem to find her. There's a line in a song I like "if you met me today, do you think you would like me? I think I would punch me!" ...a little over the top, perhaps! But really, I've lost sight of who I am & who I want to be & it's taken a real toll. It's amazing what having a baby does to you. You change in so many ways- SO MANY WAYS!!! I emphasize because I didn't think it would be THAT big of a deal... it is! Maybe that's only the case if you feel defined by the things that you do or by the people around you?! I guess I did then. But, to some point, aren't we defined by the people around us & the things that we do, the things that we enjoy? You're just different with a baby- better, in many ways, but different. I think it is vital to hold on to the parts of you that you love, that make you YOU- but also to make room for newness, for the unexpected, for change!
It is vital that we look harder to find the light within ourselves & then live from that light. It is vital that we love the person that we are & that we are patient with ourselves- that we have the kind of patience with ourselves that we have with other people. It is vital that we keep dreaming & keep laughing & keep putting ourselves out there. It is vital that we take time to reflect & that we get enough rest. It is vital that we open our hearts to give & receive love! It is vital to give thanks everyday- for something, for anything, great or small- even if we don't feel really grateful for it...without it we'd be much worse off! It is vital that we take care of our beautiful & fragile hearts- if we don't, no one else will!
I was listening to a radio show this morning (by 'accident') & they were discussing the health benefits of spending more time in the buff! They had some great points & I think it is so true that the more time we spend naked the more accepting we become of ourselves & our bodies. The human body is, afterall, a beautiful & wonderful thing. I think it's terrible that being naked is so quickly associated with sex. Anyhow- perhaps that's the key... just spend a little more time naked each day!!;) PS- be cautious of letting too much light in, be sure to keep those curtains closed b/c apparently one can get arrested - even if you're in your own home. How ridiculous!
The other day we woke up to 1/4 inch ice covering everything! It was so beautiful though, so beautiful! I felt terrible for the poor trees, hanging on to their branches for dear life, weighed down by ice. It got me thinking how superficial & deceiving that beauty is! It's hazardous, treacherous even! It's like in Beauty & the Beast ...Gaston is this gorgeous (depends on your taste- I'm just trying to make a point here!) man- appears strong & brave but is totally disgusting & self centered & egotistical ...we all know the type! And then there's the Beast- A prince in disguise! I'd take a beast over Gaston any day! Although I guess you'd have to be the beauty to turn him into a prince... ugh, it all gets so complicated & I seem to have gotten completely side tracked!!!
So, the sun is shining today- for the first day since I don't know when. It is amazing what a little sunshine will do! We finally got out of the house & I got to go to work- I feel 100 times better- almost like a real human again! Oh how I long to live some place warm & tropical & beautiful again.
All this complaining has got me thinking... Things could always be worse. I feel horrible complaining because at the end of the day- I'm healthy & my friends & family are healthy & we've got food to eat & a warm house to stay in a warm bed to sleep in & cloths to wear, a car to drive... all these things. And there are people all over the world, or just next door even that face bigger struggles. Still, somehow I feel entitled -like I should have more or be more. All I really want is to be a person I can be proud of, a person that my daughter can look up to & admire. A person who is living the life she is meant to live. I don't feel like I'm that kind of person anymore. I used to be a person I kind of liked- sure I had my issues & my moments, but overall, I really liked her! Now, I can't seem to find her. There's a line in a song I like "if you met me today, do you think you would like me? I think I would punch me!" ...a little over the top, perhaps! But really, I've lost sight of who I am & who I want to be & it's taken a real toll. It's amazing what having a baby does to you. You change in so many ways- SO MANY WAYS!!! I emphasize because I didn't think it would be THAT big of a deal... it is! Maybe that's only the case if you feel defined by the things that you do or by the people around you?! I guess I did then. But, to some point, aren't we defined by the people around us & the things that we do, the things that we enjoy? You're just different with a baby- better, in many ways, but different. I think it is vital to hold on to the parts of you that you love, that make you YOU- but also to make room for newness, for the unexpected, for change!
It is vital that we look harder to find the light within ourselves & then live from that light. It is vital that we love the person that we are & that we are patient with ourselves- that we have the kind of patience with ourselves that we have with other people. It is vital that we keep dreaming & keep laughing & keep putting ourselves out there. It is vital that we take time to reflect & that we get enough rest. It is vital that we open our hearts to give & receive love! It is vital to give thanks everyday- for something, for anything, great or small- even if we don't feel really grateful for it...without it we'd be much worse off! It is vital that we take care of our beautiful & fragile hearts- if we don't, no one else will!
I was listening to a radio show this morning (by 'accident') & they were discussing the health benefits of spending more time in the buff! They had some great points & I think it is so true that the more time we spend naked the more accepting we become of ourselves & our bodies. The human body is, afterall, a beautiful & wonderful thing. I think it's terrible that being naked is so quickly associated with sex. Anyhow- perhaps that's the key... just spend a little more time naked each day!!;) PS- be cautious of letting too much light in, be sure to keep those curtains closed b/c apparently one can get arrested - even if you're in your own home. How ridiculous!
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Stockpiling Altoids
A friend of mine & I share the same love for cinnamon altoids but they are very hard to find! We found one store here in central Iowa that sells them & bought the rest of the altoids that the store had in stock. She came up with the idea- that if we ever started a band, it should be called 'stockpiling altoids'! Since we'll never start a band, I decided to use it for this blog.
So, a blog! Whew! Everybody's doing it, right?! I decided I'd give it a try. It's not even that I'm a writer like my brilliant friend who has started her own blog MaudeRubyPearl, or that I have anything of particulare interest to talk about. I do have a lot to say, however, and it's just the stuff that runs around in my head all day- making me crazy! I'm just a single mom with a baby living in Iowa in the middle of winter! You know that phrase "Is this heaven? No, it's Iowa!"? Well, most of the time I feel like one would ask "Is this hell? No, it's Iowa" I would say! No offense to those of you who live here & love it... but it's just not for me anymore! Sure, it has it's moments & it's wonder & incredible people but right now it's cold & everything looks dead & it's hard not to feel dead inside too!
I will say that this morning was beautiful! It really was! Perhaps it was because this was the first morning I have left the house in 3 days! I know, that's terrible! But I've been sick & my daughter is sick & it's cold outside so why brave it if you don't have to?! The trees were all covered in ice, poor trees. But, it's beautiful- it's my favorite kind of winter morning! A picture perfect winter morning! Now it's noon & I'm over it!!!
Perhaps the only thing worse than being sick in the middle of winter is being sick with a sick child. I always wondered how parents did it. I'm a horrible sick person; I'm such a baby! Now, I still wonder! I wouldn't be able to do it without help from my parents! Those days when you just feel like you could die, your head is pounding, your body aching, you're so exhausted you can hardly get out of bed to pee! Then to top it off, you've got a baby who feels the same way & only wants her mom. Ugh! I still don't know how we make it through! Maybe it helps if that baby has two parents who can take turns, but that is simply not the case here! I really, really don't know how the women do it, the women who have no one, no family or good friends or partners to help out. Ah, the strength of a woman! As for the men... that's a whole other blog!!!
So, a blog! Whew! Everybody's doing it, right?! I decided I'd give it a try. It's not even that I'm a writer like my brilliant friend who has started her own blog MaudeRubyPearl, or that I have anything of particulare interest to talk about. I do have a lot to say, however, and it's just the stuff that runs around in my head all day- making me crazy! I'm just a single mom with a baby living in Iowa in the middle of winter! You know that phrase "Is this heaven? No, it's Iowa!"? Well, most of the time I feel like one would ask "Is this hell? No, it's Iowa" I would say! No offense to those of you who live here & love it... but it's just not for me anymore! Sure, it has it's moments & it's wonder & incredible people but right now it's cold & everything looks dead & it's hard not to feel dead inside too!
I will say that this morning was beautiful! It really was! Perhaps it was because this was the first morning I have left the house in 3 days! I know, that's terrible! But I've been sick & my daughter is sick & it's cold outside so why brave it if you don't have to?! The trees were all covered in ice, poor trees. But, it's beautiful- it's my favorite kind of winter morning! A picture perfect winter morning! Now it's noon & I'm over it!!!
Perhaps the only thing worse than being sick in the middle of winter is being sick with a sick child. I always wondered how parents did it. I'm a horrible sick person; I'm such a baby! Now, I still wonder! I wouldn't be able to do it without help from my parents! Those days when you just feel like you could die, your head is pounding, your body aching, you're so exhausted you can hardly get out of bed to pee! Then to top it off, you've got a baby who feels the same way & only wants her mom. Ugh! I still don't know how we make it through! Maybe it helps if that baby has two parents who can take turns, but that is simply not the case here! I really, really don't know how the women do it, the women who have no one, no family or good friends or partners to help out. Ah, the strength of a woman! As for the men... that's a whole other blog!!!
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