Hello God? Hello Goddess?

Are you out there? At the end of everyday I can look up & down & around and give great thanks because I am blessed beyond belief. The last couple of weeks have been crazy. We've been traveling and or had visitors and it's all been wonderful. But, we've gotten far from a routine and I've gotten far from myself and haven't taken care of me. Now, I should drink more water and less wine, I should sleep more and maybe cry less, I should do more yoga than facebooking! I'm feeling so lost. What am I doing here? How do I stay afloat? How do I move forward? What's really important? When will I learn to really take care of me. I know that we, as individuals, have to take care of ourselves first and foremost- before we can take care of anyone else. Still- it's so easy for me to put other people first. And not even in a good way anymore. When I was home- I found myself falling back into old patterns. I didn't go for a walk or do yoga or even take a walk with my daughter. I ran around trying to see everyone I wanted to see but only got to see a few. I think the real question is- how many people do I really want to spend time with and how many people do I feel like I should want to see? That's the problem... I'm always "should"-ing on myself. Tonight I feel like I 'should' think & do & feel so many things. Fuck it. I'm pissed at certain people, I'm feeling hurt. I'm better than the morons I tend to surround myself with. One particular imbecile talked to me about people being on different planes we're just at such different places and we can't truly connect with people on different planes and why do we tend to surround ourselves with people on other- on lower planes? Because it's easier- it's more comfortable to feel like you know more than someone else that's why. Because it's more comfortable to surround ourselves with people in places that we've already been. The people who are on our same plane or above us will force us to grow- to step out of our comfort level- to challenge us and sometimes that's scary- or it just plain sucks. Why do we want the easy way out? And sometimes we take the easy way and make it as hard as possible- that's what really annoys me. If I could just take the higher road- stick to my guns- and live through it I'd be much better off. And forgiveness... I need to work on this one. Every time I think I've let go- one person hurts me and it all comes flooding back & suddenly this person takes the hit for all the people who have ever hurt me. So sometimes I just want to yell out God or Goddess... are you out there? Can you help me please? Can you give me clarity and guidance and bring me somebody to love and make me less crazy and give me some neon lights for pete's sake- is it too much to freakin ask?! And then the real shitter is that I remember that's it's all inside me and all i have to do is listen and the gods & goddesses are always there and keeping me afloat so I can have these ridiculous breakdowns. Lucinda Williams sings a song ...He can't rescue you. And shit- that's what I think about all the damned time when I just get so sick & fucking tired of doing it all by myself. And then when I remember that, in fact, I'm not doing it by myself. I have this huge and amazing support system around me that is helping me and without them- if I truly was doing it all by myself- I wouldn't be doing much of anything I'm afraid... I'd be dead!!!!!
So in conclusion- thank you God & Goddess & the moon & sun & ocean & land & sky & friends & family--- THANK YOU! Thank you and goodnight... I think I'll try to sleep this one off!
Tonight I'm listening to The Gaslight Anthem and my new favorite band of the night The Horrible Crowes. And this song goes out to my bestie ...because I know she loves the Boss!!
http://youtu.be/Ul0XCTeJx_o