I felt it...

I felt old. Just for a split second! And, it's not like I felt really old- it's just that I felt older! I'm nearly 31 but I don't feel much older than 23. So I was in a yoga class with a teacher who was about 24 & she appeared to be quite green. (not sick, or jealous, or whatever other thing the color green might lend itself too... just new!) Now, I tell myself it's probably because I am so advanced & mature in my practice (*ahem*)! I can't put my finger on it exactly but I had the feeling of 'what is this young girl going to teach me that I don't already know?!" And suddenly- I felt like my mom! I get it though. Age shouldn't be a thing...it is but a number. And we're all here to learn from & to teach one another. However, I'm starting to get it. I don't know if it's a respect thing or if it has to do with feelings of insecurity. Anyhow- just noting... letting it go... embracing any insecurity... holding space and gratitude and room for growth! Namaste.

Everywhere but here...

This is the story of my life! I'm just about everywhere but here- in any one particular moment, any one particular place. I have my moments- of course- but they seem to be very few & far between lately. We've had visitors or been visiting for the past 6 weeks & it's really taken a toll on our routine & my sanity I'm afraid. It's been a really fun 6 weeks though! We've gotten to spend time with some really wonderful people. I'm so exhausted though & trying to enjoy other company while trying to entertain a toddler that is certain your world should revolve around her (it probably should!) is really tough. So, tonight is the first lonely night. We don't have any scheduled visitors until late October. It's really wild how you feed off that energy of other people and how the presence of others in your home can be so greatly missed when they leave.
I've been thinking we would get a new apartment... we're on a waiting list. So, a lot of things have felt up in the air. I know I have to make changes- I'm just not sure how to or which ones to make. I also know I have to put work into it. But, I'm just too tired to do any of the things I don't HAVE to do in a day!
Instead of breathing everyday- making sure I get good sleep at night, eat healthy meals, drink lots of water, do yoga, make time to journal & read, and doing all the other things I have to do to center myself... I just run around like a crazy woman. I feel like wherever I am- I'm thinking of something else i have to do or somewhere else I have to go. Or, I'm talking to someone and start thinking of someone else I was gonna call so then I start texting them while I'm talking to this other person. I actually did that- I'm embarrassed! The long and the short of it is that life is short. We don't get moments back- days, experiences, chances... they come, they go. I think the best we can do is to be in each moment the best we can. We have to do things to really take care of ourselves. If we don't then at the end of the day- we end up all stressed out and frantic -everywhere but here. So then we're never really anywhere. ...except maybe racing our toddler across the street telling her to hurry & run fast because cars are coming! Not choice parenting!! I find I'm not really ever at work- with each particular client, or spending quality time with my daughter, or with friends... I'm just going in a million different directions all the time- whew!!!
So, at least- I guess- I'm aware of it! And, I'm going to start making different choices & get back on a path. Please God, help me!!
"ll that I want for you, my son, is to be satisfied. And be a simple kind of man, someone you can love and understand." -Lynyrd Skynyrd

Ego- maniac!

Well, we humans are funny! I was re-reading some posts as I ponder life tonight! I'm stewing about in a pile of past hurts & confusion & where do I go from here ... you get the idea! So as I re-read things that I wrote when I was really upset (those things should never be written down!) I nearly burst into laughter! It hit me how very childish I can be! I still love to take hits at other people- saying something mean to them or about them, something that will hurt their feelings because they hurt mine! First of all, the planes! Who's to say that any are above or below, that anyone is further along or just starting out?! Who's to say that anyone is better or worse, smarter or... not nearly as smart?! And imbecile.. I just like that word- the dude (though i can think of many other terrible words that might fit when I'm mad) isn't even all that stupid! And the moron... not a moron! I was just feeling hurt so it made me feel better to hurt someone else s feelings (especially since I can write it here instead of saying it to their faces b/c I know they'll never see it!)
I work so hard to be good and honest and fair and to communicate effectively and to live my life through my highest self and to not let my ego get the best of me. Sometimes, however, (and though it doesn't feel good in the long run but I still believe I'm entitled because I'm human!) I just love to let it all go- say what I feel, get caught up in a moment of rage, and say really crazy things- or act out in childish ways.
It's been a good lesson and maybe just an awareness... but next time someone makes you mad or hurts your feelings -I invite you to take a step back, take a deep breath, detach from it, and before you respond with something mean just to make you feel better... find your truth. Then check in with yourself to see what's really going on and how you're really feeling. Perhaps you'll have some choice words for that person still- but they'll be coming from a place of honesty instead of reaction and it's just one of those little things that will help us all start to communicate and build our relationships back up and help us to love one another and make the world a better place!

Brian Andreas

This man is a genius! If you don't know about him- look him up!:)
Its the middle of September and I woke up at 5 am. I laid there for a long time before finally getting up to make coffee & do some yoga and just have some time to myself. It's been so lovely. I lit some pumpkin candles and made oatmeal and enjoyed my coffee hot and listened to my kind of music (instead of 20 Silly Tunes!) and wrote a bit and read a bit and have this sweet warm feeling inside. I'm so excited for fall ...even if I do live in Southern California and the leaves don't change and the air doesn't change as much as it does in Iowa! A great feeling of hope has also swept over me. I woke up all anxious and even though I'm tired now- I feel refreshed! I wish I could make this a habit! Maybe I just will. I love mornings.
"I've always liked the time before dawn because there's no one around to remind me who I'm supposed to be so it's easier to remember who I am." -Brian Andreas

This too shall pass.

The good, the bad, the ugly. They're all just moments & these moments all pass. When I'm going through tough times I particularly try to remember this. But it's the good times too. I feel like more in this last year, I've had to breathe and remind myself that this too shall pass. It's only a moment- only a lesson. Breathe, learn, let go. This moment is your life. And lately, all things seem so tragic. My heart feels so broken and my spirit feels exhausted. And I feel like I don't have much support. I think though, at the end of the day- it's my perspective. And then, I get caught up in the cycle. We are here on a journey and it's not up to anyone else to fix us or save us and we have the strength and answers within us... moment by moment- if we breathe and have faith... this moment too- shall pass. So in the darkest of days- breathe, have faith, embrace it as best you can because there's a lesson in this too & this moment shall pass & eventually you will know great light...which too, will pass. So, if they're all just a bunch of moments- I suppose we embrace them all & learn to love them & let them go. There's no need to hold onto any of them.
I sit here tonight in a rut. I'm so blessed and have had so many good moments and I don't know why the bad ones win out over the good in general- but they tend to do that & then I tend to get stuck on those. It's a real bummer! So, I try to change my perspective- my focus. I focus on gratitude best I can & I breathe & I repeat to myself... "this too shall pass." And- "this moment is your life."

Hello God? Hello Goddess?

Are you out there? At the end of everyday I can look up & down & around and give great thanks because I am blessed beyond belief. The last couple of weeks have been crazy. We've been traveling and or had visitors and it's all been wonderful. But, we've gotten far from a routine and I've gotten far from myself and haven't taken care of me. Now, I should drink more water and less wine, I should sleep more and maybe cry less, I should do more yoga than facebooking! I'm feeling so lost. What am I doing here? How do I stay afloat? How do I move forward? What's really important? When will I learn to really take care of me. I know that we, as individuals, have to take care of ourselves first and foremost- before we can take care of anyone else. Still- it's so easy for me to put other people first. And not even in a good way anymore. When I was home- I found myself falling back into old patterns. I didn't go for a walk or do yoga or even take a walk with my daughter. I ran around trying to see everyone I wanted to see but only got to see a few. I think the real question is- how many people do I really want to spend time with and how many people do I feel like I should want to see? That's the problem... I'm always "should"-ing on myself. Tonight I feel like I 'should' think & do & feel so many things. Fuck it. I'm pissed at certain people, I'm feeling hurt. I'm better than the morons I tend to surround myself with. One particular imbecile talked to me about people being on different planes we're just at such different places and we can't truly connect with people on different planes and why do we tend to surround ourselves with people on other- on lower planes? Because it's easier- it's more comfortable to feel like you know more than someone else that's why. Because it's more comfortable to surround ourselves with people in places that we've already been. The people who are on our same plane or above us will force us to grow- to step out of our comfort level- to challenge us and sometimes that's scary- or it just plain sucks. Why do we want the easy way out? And sometimes we take the easy way and make it as hard as possible- that's what really annoys me. If I could just take the higher road- stick to my guns- and live through it I'd be much better off. And forgiveness... I need to work on this one. Every time I think I've let go- one person hurts me and it all comes flooding back & suddenly this person takes the hit for all the people who have ever hurt me. So sometimes I just want to yell out God or Goddess... are you out there? Can you help me please? Can you give me clarity and guidance and bring me somebody to love and make me less crazy and give me some neon lights for pete's sake- is it too much to freakin ask?! And then the real shitter is that I remember that's it's all inside me and all i have to do is listen and the gods & goddesses are always there and keeping me afloat so I can have these ridiculous breakdowns. Lucinda Williams sings a song ...He can't rescue you. And shit- that's what I think about all the damned time when I just get so sick & fucking tired of doing it all by myself. And then when I remember that, in fact, I'm not doing it by myself. I have this huge and amazing support system around me that is helping me and without them- if I truly was doing it all by myself- I wouldn't be doing much of anything I'm afraid... I'd be dead!!!!!
So in conclusion- thank you God & Goddess & the moon & sun & ocean & land & sky & friends & family--- THANK YOU! Thank you and goodnight... I think I'll try to sleep this one off!
Tonight I'm listening to The Gaslight Anthem and my new favorite band of the night The Horrible Crowes. And this song goes out to my bestie ...because I know she loves the Boss!!
http://youtu.be/Ul0XCTeJx_o

Pleasantville

Pleasantville. What a sweet little word- the name of a sweet little town. It's the town I was born in and the town I graduated high school from. Near graduation Hollywood made a movie called "Pleasantville" and so now every time I tell someone where I'm from, they say "Oh, like the movie." Well yes, actually- it is a bit like that...
Growing up- I can remember wanting a new house- not because mine wasn't really nice but because I was ready for a change. I was younger than 9 because then my parents separated and I got what I wanted. This, perhaps, my first lesson in being careful what you ask for.
My favorite book was Cassie's Magic Flowers- The Story of Calico Crossings. It's about a little girl who lived in a black and white town and spent her days day-dreaming about things being different. She believed in goodness and in the heart of people and in a passion for life. One day, magic beans fell into her back yard and from these grew calico flowers and if someones heart was in the right place they would turn to color upon picking the flower. The plot, to me, seems very similar to the movie Pleasantville- a black and white town where once people found their passion, opened their hearts, and believed in something different- they turned to color. A lot like me and my hometown I guess.
I spend a lot of time with people and I can't help but think we're all just a bunch of lost souls wondering around living through our egos, afraid to be vulnerable for fear of getting hurt. I'm not certain that we feel safe enough to explore our own selves or to be honest with ourselves and then with others. I mean, I know there are those of us who try- but it's really hard. And at the end of the day- is it all simple? Or is it more complicated? Everyone probably has a different idea and general, a man would probably say it was simple and a woman that it was complicated!!!
I wonder about relationships too... simple or complicated? Sometimes I wish I lived in the 50's and would have gotten married based on my good looks and family status to a dream boat of a man who would work all day to come home to me- who would have been working all day on cooking, cleaning, sewing, and caring for our children! I wouldn't have many opinions and we would get through life just fine! Honestly though, I sometimes think that's what it's about- find someone you can walk through life with. You won't always get along, you won't always have fire and passion, you might not have much in common at times but you have roles in your relationships and you just go through the motions. (I'm not saying that every couple married before 1950 wasn't happy or didn't have passion in their relationship- I'm talking the stereotypical black and white happy-as-a-clam family). Nowadays I think we're all too selfish to devote ourselves to one person. And, we think everything/one has a purpose to make us happy. But then the passion, the fire, it burns out. And what happens when it burns out? You're left with a bunch of ashes. So, is it about comfort and stability and commitment to responsibilities or is it about the passion and the fire? I wonder if both are shown in color or if one was is black and white and the other is color?
Here is a quick story about men and women in the town of Pleasantville (other than that- there's no real tie to the rest of the post!) ... So we were getting ready for a huge party at my house & my aunt really wanted everything to look nice and she has an eye for such things. So my uncle ask her where she wants these chairs and she says around the table up there on the hill. So, they very nicely put the chairs out- matching number on each side- in a perfect line. And she instantly noticed and commented that the chairs weren't all the same- some were shorter, some were taller and we just couldn't have that. So I was sent on the mission to make all the chairs the same. I did it. And then I put a grass skirt on a trash can and vacuumed the (outdoor) patio and a few other things I found to be ridiculous! But, it did look really nice in the end and none of us killed each other and it was another great party! But, I realize more and more that men and women are like black and white- they're totally different... but we all want color in our worlds.... whatever that might mean.