Stepping up...

Well, it's been a while. I thought seriously about deleting this blog altogether because it acted as more of a journal than  place to spread love & joy & the goodness of life. But, upon reflection- i realize that it's all me & though I feel embarrassed if anyone ever read any of it- I can't help but share it because it's authentic- or was at one point & I'm working on vulnerability. 
I had a client come in today- I've seen her a few times before & she's really wonderful but she's exhausted. She's a working single mom of 2 or 3 kids, I can't remember. And, as a single mom of one.. I can only imagine! She just about broke down saying how tired she is of being in survival mode & how she knows that things like coffee are just vices but she feels like she needs something to comfort her & how I had probably never had these problems & she hated complaining & she desperately wants her life to change & she knows she just has to change her perspective & be grateful but it's just.so.hard. 
I almost laughed because so many of the things she was talking about -the way she felt- I so resonated with. And then, when she thought I had probably never had any of these troubles... I almost fell over! It's really interesting, being in the healing profession... I get things like this all the time "how do you always stay so calm & so healthy & balanced." HA!
First of all- it's my job to appear that way! Second, I forget that no one knows who I am. All they know is the few minutes we spend talking before & after their massage, the advice I give & then the massage itself.. but we don't talk during it! And then, when you've done so much work & when you've come so far (you realize you've got so much further to go!) people don't see your struggle, they just see where you are! I feel like so many people are looking for peace & love & acceptance & to feel a part of something & to feel supported & to feel healthy... The surprise is that it comes in the journey. I really don't know that it's a place we arrive- I mean, do we ever feel like we've ever reached that lasting state of bliss? Maybe, eventually?!!!  But, in the meantime, life is full of ups & downs & it's up to us to ride them through & find bliss in the journey, in the process. Everything that isn't as we want it gives us an opportunity to change it. Everything that seems 'bad' in our life gives us the chance to turn it into an opportunity. We are constantly growing & changing & evolving... if we so choose! The important thing is that we remember we are students of life; we are learning... so be patient. 
Happiness is a choice- it's a choice we make everyday; to make the most out of every situation. Gratitude is always key- it will see us through everything; Grace comes from Gratitude. Making choices (which is a whole different blog!), listening to our hearts, sharing our greatness while being real & raw & authentic & vulnerable is part of what makes us great! So, are you living up to your potential? I'm not. But, I'm working toward it every day & I'm trying with all my might. I think that's all we can do! We must remember,however, that we are divine beings so capable & so deserving of love & forgiveness ...that we are here for a human experience! So for my client today: you are not alone. None of us are. Let us focus more on our similarities than our differences!:)  

tattoos.

This morning I woke up and wondered what the hell I'd written last night... after too much wine! I was in a terrible mood. J woke up in a terrible mood too. She cried all morning "I want mommy" "no work mommy." It broke my heart... and then kind of annoyed me!! Poor thing- she's got to wonder what the heck is going on. I know what a mess I am & kids feed off that more than we know so I try to find compassion & be patient... for both of us!
I finally got her to the sitters & was driving to work when an anger grew in me so deep-seeded, so strong that it actually came out in a growl of sorts that honestly scared me! ...yet at the same time, I was kind of impressed!
I spent the first 1/2 of the day just wishing I was at my moms house & could take the day off! I also drank too much coffee & forgot my phone.. that thing is like a life-line! Pathetic, I know, but it's tough when you are without it for the whole day.. what am I 'missing out' on?!
I didn't have a client the first hour so I folded a lot of laundry. I folded laundry & stewed in my exhaustion & misery & tried to think of the last time I had fun! ..I've had some really good times, good conversations, laughs with friends, toddler giggles, good hugs, comfortable, cozy moments... but I'm talking like FUN- like cut-loose, no holding back, just a crazy good time... it's been a while! This made me think -I really need to make me happy again & have some dang fun!!
And then a few of the girls came in talking about their new tattoos and I thought- it's a dang good thing I'm a mom and don't have the money for those things right now because I'd be covered in them! I planned it all out- the Rumi quote on my L side Ribs, the momma elephant with a patch of tiger print on her butt ..tail holding her baby's trunk, the word 'love' on my tri in the shape of a heart that goes around my elbow, the monarch on the underside of my arm with the eye of a tiger & the words 'let it be' and then something on my forearm.. but I ran out of time!
Then I thought about tattoos. I love them. I don't really need anymore... as I age I start to worry more about how they'll look in 40 years! And, honestly, there aren't that many things I need to permanently mark me. But it's interesting- what all those things mean to me. And then the placement of them and what that means. Someone told me once that tattoos were signs of hurt. Out here- people have tattoos all over themselves so I hope that's not true.
So, while I will refrain from any more tattoos at this point, it was an interesting morning of reflection!
And, by the end of the day, after a few good massages, a few sun-salutations, some deep breaths of fresh air, some sunshine... I was feeling pretty good.
I'm still homesick. But, I know if I were there I'd be homesick for here. So, I just keep on- one day at a time. And choosing happiness... choosing love.

Is there life out there...

When I was younger I heard the song by Reba McEntire; I think that's when it started! Reba happened to be the first live concert I saw. I believe that "Fancy" was my favorite song of hers at the time- but this one hit me hard when I heard it.
"She married, when she was 20, she thought she was ready, now she's not so sure...  she thought she'd done some living, now she's just wondering what she's living for, she's wondering if there's something more... She's done what she should, should she do what she dares...  She's always lived for tomorrow, she's never learned how to live for today. she's dying to try something foolish, do something crazy, or just get away... ooh, something for herself for a change... there's a place in the sun that she's never been where life is fair and time is her friend, would she do it the same as she did back then... Is there life out there- so much she hasn't done, is there life beyond her family & her home.
Well, without quoting the entire song! ...I'll just say I've always had this fear of settling and this notion that there's more out there. I swore to myself once that I would have to prove to myself that I could make it out in this great big world by myself before getting married and having kids. And, for some reason, it seemed to me like everyone just kind of quit or gave up on life's great adventure & I didn't want to be one of those people either. I didn't want to just get married to a nice guy who would work a meaningless job to provide a home so we can have some kids & take them to soccer & buy them things. (I don't really know where I got the idea that that's what my life would have to amount to... I think it's weird I think like that! Or that that's what really happens or that jobs are meaningless.. it's just a childish perspective! And, honestly, I wouldn't mind that life -some of the time!!) Meanwhile, I've always looked for some man to come sweep me off my feet & rescue me. I've learned through the years that no one can rescue me. I've also learned that I think I've proved myself enough.
 I have recently realized how instead of looking at my life- I throw myself into everyone elses'- whether it's by facebook or emails or letters or phone calls or pinterest or whatever. I have also learned that I'm not missing out. I mean, wherever you are- you're missing out on something! But, if you're truly in your moment, in your life, you're not missing out on anything because everything you need is in that moment you're living!
Now I'm torn between the comfort of being close to family & a life of new adventure. Either way, life is an adventure and we learn and grow if we choose- wherever we are. I SO admire the people who can stay where they are-in the jobs & relationships they have, and continue to grow and find themselves and be happy. We've got to live- wherever we are, make ourselves happy wherever. Still, I find myself listening to songs like these tonight... hoping for a sign!!!;)
Mary May & Bobby
California life alone is just too hard to build... 
...Somehow she always knew she had the strength inside, even if she fell- she'd survive...Inspite of all the tears she may cry, this is how she has to live her life. As hard as it might be, she had to find out for herself...
...she's nobodys girl...
And reading signs like these:
You're NOT missing out...
The grass is always greener... if it's greener, you might need to spend some time in your own yard.
Wherever you go, there you are.
Get out of your head and into your body!
Do something for yourself that does not involve technology.

*side-note.. I found this one in my 'draft' box! Wrote it 21 days ago!! Thought I'd post it anyhow!!!

be willing

We must be willing to get rid of the life we have planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

So, it was a week ago yesterday that I had my house packed up and my daughter all ready & we were set to move half way across the country... we were headed home. I'd been going back and forth on the idea since we got to California- a lot more seriously this past December, and then a month ago the idea arose again and I decided to go. I could list 100 reasons why I want(ed) to go back to Iowa; every logical thought, every bit of reason points to us going back there. Not to mention all the fun goings on this summer!
So Monday I woke up, took in a deep breath, looked at my daughter, and knew somewhere deep inside me that going was not the best idea. I couldn't do it. So, I said a prayer & asked that if I was really meant to go- god, please do something to push me out of this state! So, I called about my apartment- they said I could have it back. I called about my job- yes, I could have it back. The sitter even said she could help out for the next couple of weeks. So... shit. I'm staying.
Now, I really like our life here- I have good friends and I really like my job, I love the ocean and that we're so close to so many fabulous places. I love that my sister lives in this state and that people like to visit us here! I like that there are so many kid-friendly activities and that the weather is nearly always getting us outside!
Still- the reasons to go to Iowa FAR outweighed the reasons to stay. But there was just this little voice, this little knowing... this is where I'm meant to be- for now anyways. So, I've been doing some soul-searching. I've gone looking for this voice, tried to sit with and listen to this voice, ran like hell from this voice, tried to drown this voice, begged for some clarity from this voice... and then eventually, I just go to bed!!
I think the situation is that I've grown up thinking I would have a certain kind of life- that I'd be a certain kind of person. And, in my mind- I think I'm a different kind of person than I actually am!! I know what I want- but I think I believe that the only way to have what I want is to be in Iowa because that's all I know. Also, I have a way of getting lost in other peoples lives, ideas, emotions. So, I want to be there to have family dinners (the kind that go differently in my head than they do in reality... even though they're still fabulous!), and for birthday parties and weddings and concerts and short road-trips. I want to be there so that my daughter can know her grandparents & her family & that she will grow up with a simple life full of things that genuinely matter. I want these things even more so when I talk to friends & family that want the same things...
Fear is a very tricky thing. When you come to the crossroads of all you've known and all you've dreamt & you get to that point where you have to take a leap, to do the work, to practice discipline to grow- to be who you are and not who you think you should be -or even want to be- but just who you are ...when you come to this place- it gets scary here and it's hard to move forward when you don't feel well- equipped.
But, I'm here. I feel scared here, and alone...like I want to run home to my mom! But that won't do me much good in the long run! I have a LOT of work to do here and it's going to be really hard. I have to figure out what I want and who I am. When I'm here- I ache for friends and family and for doing the fun things they're doing. But eventually, I'll be grateful for it all but ache for new adventures out West. This is my pattern... Iowa, out West, back to Iowa, back West... and so forth. So for now, even though I reeeally want to be in Iowa and I reeeally miss my friends & family there, I know I have to be here. I have to find a way to be happy in myself, love and know who I am, what I have to offer, what I deserve, and then how to be healthy and truly take care of myself. 
It's time to break old patterns and old ways of doing things- open myself up to change and newness and love. To breathe deeply and honor myself and to find the courage it takes to heal. They say it's not good to make big life decisions when you're tired! So, I'm going to give it a bit more of a go. I've got to start living here instead of surviving. I've got to learn to be more compassionate and forgiving of myself and grateful for what is. Let it be, let it be...
So, staying put but off on a new adventure ... here goes nothing!!
xoxo

Do not cling..

to what you know! Do not cling to what you think or even what you hope! I believe it's necessary to stay open- free of the things that tie us down. The Universe has a way of surprising us.
If we cling to what we hope- we may miss out on a surprise that's even better than we could have ever dreamt!
And in the grand scheme of it all- our mind is so small- it only contains our experiences...or what we remember of our experiences... and if we don't leave our heart open, we may not receive the great gifts & experiences & wonder that awaits us.
I've gone back and forth on this move- I'm driving myself crazy.. like I usually do! Either way- things are going to be really hard- and in equal but very different ways. So, I can't chose the easy way out! What I have come to realize, however, is that I think I know the outcome of both scenarios. If I stay here things will be like *this* and if I go to Iowa then things will be like *that*. The truth is- I don't know- I don't have any idea. But, if I can stay positive & focus on what I do have & practice gratitude every day instead of focusing on what we don't have then the whole world is open & full of possibilities & surprises.
The only thing that matters is that we get to really know ourselves, that we take care of ourselves, and that we shine our lights as brightly as we possibly can- that we get out and truly live. We have to learn to let go- to let go of the past & of the notion that we have a future. All we have is this moment so there is no reason to carry bags in this moment because we do not need them here. There is no reason to cling to anything in this moment because when we cling- we typically forget to breathe and then miss the moment entirely- ...and then we die!:(
So, let go & dance & break your beaten up heart wide open. It matters not where in this world you are but that you live fully wherever you are.
Oh, and don't use the word "can't" I did a few times & by the end of the week- my daughter has started to use it & does so quiet frequently!! Those darn little people are our very best teachers & priceless mirrors. We CAN! We are perfectly capable! We might need a little help or a little rest or a little push, but we can- we are able!

Attention and energy

It's said that energy flows where attention goes... or something like that!;)
I've given a lot of thought to the last post. I have grown up and I have created a life and a home and a community... it's such a blessing -but it's a huge community and it's spread out all over the world!
bottom line: it's truly about the journey, change is constant, choose love- always choose love, and live for the moment but plan for the future... at least a little bit. Oh, and perhaps most important: practice self-discipline and self care. We've got to know how to take care of ourselves and we've got to do what we need (not just want) to get ourselves to where we want to be.
So now, for attention and energy- it's funny how quickly it shifts. As soon as you decide to make a big change, everything about where you're at starts to look perfect! And then you put in your 2 weeks notice & your boss begs you to stay & tells you to go home & sleep on it...again! I think it's fascinating though how we can keep on in a certain way until it no longer works & we feel we have to chuck it all & start over ...but all we really need to do is change direction, change perspective! It doesn't always have to be so drastic! It's all about a change in perspective. So, if there's something in your life you're not happy with- imagine your life without it, or imagine what could take it's place ...just shift your attention for a few days- you might be surprised to see what you find!

Times, they are a changin...

Well now, it's been quite a while. Three months, to be nearly exact.
We moved into a new home and so many things about it are wonderful. 2012 is not messing around though, this is a year of shaking things up! This is a year of getting back to the core of what matters, to the feminine, nurturing, love... especially if you're following the Mayan calendar!
Life is very funny and this week I have been reminded over and over again that the only thing constant is change- through the good times and the bad- and that nothing is to be taken for granted. We can drift through this life wildly, grazing the surface, and getting glimpses of its beauty as we fly by or we can get down and dirty- dig our feet in, break our hearts open, and feel our way through with authenticity. Which one do you choose? I struggle with this. Both are great options!;) I know I want to choose the later but there's something that stands in my way- a fear, of sorts. I am as authentic as I can possibly be but it's that getting to the part where you really know yourself so that you can really be true to yourself that's tough.
My life to this point has been quite the ride! I am thankful for every bit of it. Most of my decisions are based on a 'what the hell' kind of attitude and are made 'in the moment'. This is all well & good if you're a true gypsy! I've got this restless side I just can't seem to tame. To be honest, I don't really want to tame her! But, I do want her to live in balance with the 50's housewife in me! ...And with the peace & free lover in me- and the Little House on the Prairie girl in me, and the Aborigine princess in me! I sometimes wonder if I should seek some serious help with my multiple personalities!;) (Kidding! Though I would certainly benefit from therapy... I am mostly sane!)
I think the problem is that I missed the part where I was supposed to grow up. Now I'm being serious! Some cultures have big celebrations for boys & girls to turn into women and men... not mine! And as weird as I sometimes think that is- it would have been really nice for someone to say "Ok, it's time now- and here are all of our words of wisdom and our greatest bits of advice."
I have learned so much over the last... well, 30 years! But lets break it down to the last year & a half I've spent in California. I've learned that my friends are growing up, that they have families and circles of friends and that they're able to 'connect with the past and connect with the future' (thanks Jo!) -that life is about living it- not clinging to the past or anxiety ridden about the future. Every single moment of every single day should be cherished because it's all we've got. Seasons come and seasons go and there are ups and there are downs and life is about learning to ride the waves- about letting those winds blow through your sails- and about keeping your heart wide open to give and receive in equal parts.
I think it's time now. I've been struggling with this idea of going back to Iowa. I love our life in CA and there is something about the air here that helps me breathe & feel alive & feel connected. I have great friends throughout the state and have built a really sweet community here and am so blessed. We are so blessed. But, my daughter needs her family- I need my family. I wish my family lived here but they just don't. They drive me crazy, but they're my family. I've got a couple of really amazing friends there and that's a blessing too... especially because they don't drive me crazy!;) J's Buddha bedtime story last night said "Life is a journey and change is unavoidable. A wise person accepts this and enjoys each precious moment as fully as they can." (Big lessons for a little girl.. but better to teach early than re-teach later!) So, the important thing is that we take all of our experiences with us but make room for new adventures too. We're not waiting to get started, we're in the middle of it. And the very most important part- give thanks! Honestly, I'm blessed beyond words to have an amazing family & the most amazing daughter anyone could ask for & really , truly beautiful friends... friends that live in Iowa and California and all over this wild world.
A friend just posted this on fb (I'm so neurotic, I checked fb 3 times while writing this!) "this cannot be sustained. Where it breaks; I cannot tell you. What I can tell you is that it will." Now, on the one hand- it's kind of sad. But really, it's a little how I feel. I feel like I'm trying to juggle it all -which can only be sustained for a certain amount of time-and in the midst of it, I haven't truly learned how to care for myself first or ask for help when I need it- or even accept it when people try to give it to me! I've gathered a great many tools and now it's time. I will cherish every single second of our lives here and I look so forward to new chapters, new beginnings, and catching up with old friends!:) For some reason, I'm more scared to make this move than I've been for any other. I'm terrified... but I'm ready and even a little excited! It's time.

lets get serious...

about Transformation.
So, you know those things in your life that don't serve you really but you keep them or do them or whatever... you don't let go because of one reason or another? And then one day... magically, by the grace of God I think, they vanish. It's a little painful- but you know it's for the best so you just tie your ego down and dance in gratitude for you are stepping further into your true self. ...that just happened!
I wonder a lot about friendships recently... and respect and gratitude and responsibility and honesty and humanity. And how all of these words have such different meaning to different people.
I wonder why sometimes it's hard for us to do the 'right' thing. There are people that we love and care about and people who have helped us tremendously or stood beside us and sometimes we aren't appreciative enough. I wonder how much we 'owe' people and why it doesn't always come natural. I wonder why some people are so afraid of communication or confrontation that they would rather sit there with a wounded heart, or ego, than talk about it. I get it, actually, I've been there. Mostly I wonder why I sometimes surround myself with the people that I do & call them my friends. I know deep down that they're not actually friends. They've been our family in a way but aren't friends at all. I know there's something deeper but they refuse to talk about it so I have no choice but to let it go. It's a bit unfortunate. But it most certainly is for the best. We're in a new home now, I'm ready to move forward in my career, my spiritual journey, as a mother & as a friend. I hope to do a better job at loving those good, honest, kind people that love me ...more than those a-holes who are perhaps a bit more exciting! I think it's not as fun to thrive off drama as it is to flourish in the genuine.

new places

So, we got all moved into our new place. Well, mostly moved it. It looks like a disaster! And, I'm still cleaning the old place! Never again will I clean a place when I leave... I'll pay someone!! Too much effort... would have been SO worth the money! Now I know!!
Anyhow- life on the 3rd floor is A-ok. There's a book by Iyanla Vanzant called "In the Meantime." This book changed my life. She talks about living our lives in the basement, cleaning house & moving up to the first floor, the second, third, and up to the attic where our true love waits- the kind where we love ourselves enough to know that that love is the only thing that's been missing all along. So, I feel like we were stuck between the basement & the first floor. We left behind a really wonderful space that served so many purposes. But so much has changed & shifted & ended & here we are- a new space, it's not Iowa, and it's on the third floor ...this holds much significance... I tell myself to make climbing all those stairs worth it!
Boys will be boys. And I've spent way too much time playing their games. I feel like everything up to this point has played a specific role. But, we've moved to a new place... it's 2012... I didn't run home, I'm taking time to ground & center... we're here... we're getting stronger & more authentic.
I'm ready to step into this. I'm ready to take a leap on this journey of transformation.