So, stepping up... I got a website! During this transition- I'll keep this site open, just in case any of you happen to stumble upon it!
New website is: www.flourishIowa.com
Thank you!
Much love, many blessings.
life. soul. love. heart. philosophy. food. babies. yoga. healing. nature. hope. travel. sparkles. plant-based nutrition. community. togetherness. growth. acceptance. authenticity. safety. vulnerability. peace.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Super beginner
I have been telling people that I will start offering a yoga
class here in town & everyone I’ve talked to says “Oh, I’m a super
beginner.” I say, ok then, I will offer a super beginner class!:) It got me
thinking of a few things. First of all, I feel so nervous. I feel like a super
beginner, offering a super beginner class. I suppose because I feel like a
super beginner teacher. I have been practicing yoga for 13 years now & have
completed a 200 hr. training. So, one would think that I would feel very
comfortable & confident in yoga. Yoga is a self practice though, it’s new
every day & I don’t know that you ever get ‘better’ because nothing is good
or bad; simply a process. You are where
you are. Even if I feel like my very best self up there guiding you through a
practice, I get it. I get how scary it can be do something new.
I get how scary it can be to walk into your first yoga class
ever. The first time I walked into a yoga class was in college. I was scared
but I was also 18 years old & I think that youth gives us a little more
courage. It seems to me that as we age, we do what we know because it’s familiar
& therefore comfortable; it somehow starts to define us. So, when we decide
to break out of that mold & try something new or do something new or be
something new- we ought to give ourselves credit. What you’re doing is very
brave. It doesn’t matter if afterwards you realize how easy it was or if all
your friends are already doing it or if 5 year olds are doing it… if you break
out of your comfort zone to try something new- that’s brave; give yourself
credit for being brave. It’s important to
be brave & to try new things- that in & of itself is healthy for us.
Yoga is the most wonderful thing I’ve ever done (other than birth & mother
my daughter- still I thank yoga for helping me!) & I have no doubt you will
know its wonder as well. Your mind, body, & spirit will thank you. Every
single day is filled with new beauty, change, a possibility to do something
new- embrace it! You are alive!:) And if a new day should find you in one of my
classes, or in any class, know that we- your teacher & classmates- are
every grateful for your presence, for your bravery, & for your existence.
Namaste
Thursday, January 3, 2013
New Year!
Happy New Year! I absolutely don't know how it's 2013 already but I'm excited! New Years eve seems to be such a big deal whether you go to a fancy party, throw a big bash with friends, or stay at home & watch movies or do yoga & meditate & reflect & set intentions for the new year... try your hardest to make it til midnight, kiss your sleeping baby, then go to bed! I did the later this year. I don't miss the old days of partying my brains out on NYE but as excited as I was to have a calm, reflective evening- it's set me up with some major anxiety. I think it's a mixture of the after-Christmas blues & the focusing on all the things I'm not doing 'right' yet in my life.
Christmas seems to take up every day after Thanksgiving- filling every day with excitement & anticipation of the big day! Once the day is over (or all 4 days if you're in my family!) you're left with a bit of a hole; what next?! Then there are those few days of recouping from the excess food & beverage & family until you hit NYE. A new start, a new beginning, so much hope & excitement with the clean slate. This year was different for me.
I've just moved & I'm starting over in so many ways. I have so many emotions flooding that I've tried to numb the not so good feeling ones with cookies while trying to hold onto the good feeling ones as much as possible. (note: you can not selectively choose your feelings!!) Do you do that? Do you notice that you do that- eat or drink your way through situations? I use food/drink as a numbing tool.. sometimes I use people- throwing myself into other peoples situations to avoid my own, or fill my time with friends instead of the quiet time my soul is yearning for.
Anyhow, it's the 3rd day of the new year & I'm just finally starting to feel the excitement of newness. I got really down on myself because I said come Jan 1, no more sugar, coffee, gluten, dairy, or alcohol.. which is everything I've lived on since I got back here. That's pretty steep! When living by yourself, it's a lot easier to do than when you live with other people who eat meat & white potatoes for every meal! Point being- every day is a clean slate. Every day is a new day. Is it the first day of the new year or month or even week? Maybe not. But, every day you wake up is a chance to make a change- however great or small- a change to live a healthier life. So, here are a few things or ideas of things that might help you. Even doing just one of these things -one per day or one per 1/2 a day... will be a change & that little change will promote more change. It's not a matter of giving up things that you love, it's a matter of doing things that will add to your overall health & well-being. If you love to eat ice cream- why do you love it? How does it make you feel? Do you eat it out of habit or when you're sad or when you're happy or when you're nervous?
So, a few tips or ideas:
1.Take 3 deep breaths. Close your eyes & feel the way your feet feel on the ground.
2.Start your morning off with a warm glass of lemon water to help cleanse your body & stimulate your senses
3. Drink more water. It's cold outside so I constantly want tea or coffee or hot drinks.. so I warm up my water!:)
4. If you're a coffee drinker, try a cup of tea first. Or, if you do make coffee, pay closer attn when you brew your coffee- enjoy the process of it.
5. Be present. It sounds obvious but if I can be totally present for one minute of everyday then I'm doing good! It is vital though. So, when you take one deep breath, be totally in that breath. When you make that cup of tea or coffee, be totally present in that process & really enjoy it. When you hug your loved ones or tell them you love them, be totally present so that you feel that love with your whole heart.
6. Do yoga. Even if it's just 5 minutes or 30 minutes- it's better than nothing.
7. Be grateful. Write down 3 things you're really grateful for each day. Make them different things everyday.
8. Note one miracle that happens everyday. Sometimes it feel like a miracle that the Universe conspires to get me through certain days! Or that I am able to eat an apple that grow on my tree in my yard (not in January, but it's one of my favorite things!)
9. Give a hug. "Hugs are like boomerangs- you get it back right away!" -Bil Keane
10. Give yourself credit for all you do. Balance the yin with the yang. The yang is all the the things we feel we need to do & be.. the changes we want to make. Yang is what keeps us moving but the yin keeps us still & gives us moments to be grateful for what we have & who we already are. We all too often beat ourselves up than give ourselves the credit & love we deserve.
May your new year be full of health & self- love!:)
Christmas seems to take up every day after Thanksgiving- filling every day with excitement & anticipation of the big day! Once the day is over (or all 4 days if you're in my family!) you're left with a bit of a hole; what next?! Then there are those few days of recouping from the excess food & beverage & family until you hit NYE. A new start, a new beginning, so much hope & excitement with the clean slate. This year was different for me.
I've just moved & I'm starting over in so many ways. I have so many emotions flooding that I've tried to numb the not so good feeling ones with cookies while trying to hold onto the good feeling ones as much as possible. (note: you can not selectively choose your feelings!!) Do you do that? Do you notice that you do that- eat or drink your way through situations? I use food/drink as a numbing tool.. sometimes I use people- throwing myself into other peoples situations to avoid my own, or fill my time with friends instead of the quiet time my soul is yearning for.
Anyhow, it's the 3rd day of the new year & I'm just finally starting to feel the excitement of newness. I got really down on myself because I said come Jan 1, no more sugar, coffee, gluten, dairy, or alcohol.. which is everything I've lived on since I got back here. That's pretty steep! When living by yourself, it's a lot easier to do than when you live with other people who eat meat & white potatoes for every meal! Point being- every day is a clean slate. Every day is a new day. Is it the first day of the new year or month or even week? Maybe not. But, every day you wake up is a chance to make a change- however great or small- a change to live a healthier life. So, here are a few things or ideas of things that might help you. Even doing just one of these things -one per day or one per 1/2 a day... will be a change & that little change will promote more change. It's not a matter of giving up things that you love, it's a matter of doing things that will add to your overall health & well-being. If you love to eat ice cream- why do you love it? How does it make you feel? Do you eat it out of habit or when you're sad or when you're happy or when you're nervous?
So, a few tips or ideas:
1.Take 3 deep breaths. Close your eyes & feel the way your feet feel on the ground.
2.Start your morning off with a warm glass of lemon water to help cleanse your body & stimulate your senses
3. Drink more water. It's cold outside so I constantly want tea or coffee or hot drinks.. so I warm up my water!:)
4. If you're a coffee drinker, try a cup of tea first. Or, if you do make coffee, pay closer attn when you brew your coffee- enjoy the process of it.
5. Be present. It sounds obvious but if I can be totally present for one minute of everyday then I'm doing good! It is vital though. So, when you take one deep breath, be totally in that breath. When you make that cup of tea or coffee, be totally present in that process & really enjoy it. When you hug your loved ones or tell them you love them, be totally present so that you feel that love with your whole heart.
6. Do yoga. Even if it's just 5 minutes or 30 minutes- it's better than nothing.
7. Be grateful. Write down 3 things you're really grateful for each day. Make them different things everyday.
8. Note one miracle that happens everyday. Sometimes it feel like a miracle that the Universe conspires to get me through certain days! Or that I am able to eat an apple that grow on my tree in my yard (not in January, but it's one of my favorite things!)
9. Give a hug. "Hugs are like boomerangs- you get it back right away!" -Bil Keane
10. Give yourself credit for all you do. Balance the yin with the yang. The yang is all the the things we feel we need to do & be.. the changes we want to make. Yang is what keeps us moving but the yin keeps us still & gives us moments to be grateful for what we have & who we already are. We all too often beat ourselves up than give ourselves the credit & love we deserve.
May your new year be full of health & self- love!:)
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Stepping up...
Well, it's been a while. I thought seriously about deleting this blog altogether because it acted as more of a journal than place to spread love & joy & the goodness of life. But, upon reflection- i realize that it's all me & though I feel embarrassed if anyone ever read any of it- I can't help but share it because it's authentic- or was at one point & I'm working on vulnerability.
I had a client come in today- I've seen her a few times before & she's really wonderful but she's exhausted. She's a working single mom of 2 or 3 kids, I can't remember. And, as a single mom of one.. I can only imagine! She just about broke down saying how tired she is of being in survival mode & how she knows that things like coffee are just vices but she feels like she needs something to comfort her & how I had probably never had these problems & she hated complaining & she desperately wants her life to change & she knows she just has to change her perspective & be grateful but it's just.so.hard.
I almost laughed because so many of the things she was talking about -the way she felt- I so resonated with. And then, when she thought I had probably never had any of these troubles... I almost fell over! It's really interesting, being in the healing profession... I get things like this all the time "how do you always stay so calm & so healthy & balanced." HA!
First of all- it's my job to appear that way! Second, I forget that no one knows who I am. All they know is the few minutes we spend talking before & after their massage, the advice I give & then the massage itself.. but we don't talk during it! And then, when you've done so much work & when you've come so far (you realize you've got so much further to go!) people don't see your struggle, they just see where you are! I feel like so many people are looking for peace & love & acceptance & to feel a part of something & to feel supported & to feel healthy... The surprise is that it comes in the journey. I really don't know that it's a place we arrive- I mean, do we ever feel like we've ever reached that lasting state of bliss? Maybe, eventually?!!! But, in the meantime, life is full of ups & downs & it's up to us to ride them through & find bliss in the journey, in the process. Everything that isn't as we want it gives us an opportunity to change it. Everything that seems 'bad' in our life gives us the chance to turn it into an opportunity. We are constantly growing & changing & evolving... if we so choose! The important thing is that we remember we are students of life; we are learning... so be patient.
Happiness is a choice- it's a choice we make everyday; to make the most out of every situation. Gratitude is always key- it will see us through everything; Grace comes from Gratitude. Making choices (which is a whole different blog!), listening to our hearts, sharing our greatness while being real & raw & authentic & vulnerable is part of what makes us great! So, are you living up to your potential? I'm not. But, I'm working toward it every day & I'm trying with all my might. I think that's all we can do! We must remember,however, that we are divine beings so capable & so deserving of love & forgiveness ...that we are here for a human experience! So for my client today: you are not alone. None of us are. Let us focus more on our similarities than our differences!:)
I had a client come in today- I've seen her a few times before & she's really wonderful but she's exhausted. She's a working single mom of 2 or 3 kids, I can't remember. And, as a single mom of one.. I can only imagine! She just about broke down saying how tired she is of being in survival mode & how she knows that things like coffee are just vices but she feels like she needs something to comfort her & how I had probably never had these problems & she hated complaining & she desperately wants her life to change & she knows she just has to change her perspective & be grateful but it's just.so.hard.
I almost laughed because so many of the things she was talking about -the way she felt- I so resonated with. And then, when she thought I had probably never had any of these troubles... I almost fell over! It's really interesting, being in the healing profession... I get things like this all the time "how do you always stay so calm & so healthy & balanced." HA!
First of all- it's my job to appear that way! Second, I forget that no one knows who I am. All they know is the few minutes we spend talking before & after their massage, the advice I give & then the massage itself.. but we don't talk during it! And then, when you've done so much work & when you've come so far (you realize you've got so much further to go!) people don't see your struggle, they just see where you are! I feel like so many people are looking for peace & love & acceptance & to feel a part of something & to feel supported & to feel healthy... The surprise is that it comes in the journey. I really don't know that it's a place we arrive- I mean, do we ever feel like we've ever reached that lasting state of bliss? Maybe, eventually?!!! But, in the meantime, life is full of ups & downs & it's up to us to ride them through & find bliss in the journey, in the process. Everything that isn't as we want it gives us an opportunity to change it. Everything that seems 'bad' in our life gives us the chance to turn it into an opportunity. We are constantly growing & changing & evolving... if we so choose! The important thing is that we remember we are students of life; we are learning... so be patient.
Happiness is a choice- it's a choice we make everyday; to make the most out of every situation. Gratitude is always key- it will see us through everything; Grace comes from Gratitude. Making choices (which is a whole different blog!), listening to our hearts, sharing our greatness while being real & raw & authentic & vulnerable is part of what makes us great! So, are you living up to your potential? I'm not. But, I'm working toward it every day & I'm trying with all my might. I think that's all we can do! We must remember,however, that we are divine beings so capable & so deserving of love & forgiveness ...that we are here for a human experience! So for my client today: you are not alone. None of us are. Let us focus more on our similarities than our differences!:)
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
tattoos.
This morning I woke up and wondered what the hell I'd written last night... after too much wine! I was in a terrible mood. J woke up in a terrible mood too. She cried all morning "I want mommy" "no work mommy." It broke my heart... and then kind of annoyed me!! Poor thing- she's got to wonder what the heck is going on. I know what a mess I am & kids feed off that more than we know so I try to find compassion & be patient... for both of us!
I finally got her to the sitters & was driving to work when an anger grew in me so deep-seeded, so strong that it actually came out in a growl of sorts that honestly scared me! ...yet at the same time, I was kind of impressed!
I spent the first 1/2 of the day just wishing I was at my moms house & could take the day off! I also drank too much coffee & forgot my phone.. that thing is like a life-line! Pathetic, I know, but it's tough when you are without it for the whole day.. what am I 'missing out' on?!
I didn't have a client the first hour so I folded a lot of laundry. I folded laundry & stewed in my exhaustion & misery & tried to think of the last time I had fun! ..I've had some really good times, good conversations, laughs with friends, toddler giggles, good hugs, comfortable, cozy moments... but I'm talking like FUN- like cut-loose, no holding back, just a crazy good time... it's been a while! This made me think -I really need to make me happy again & have some dang fun!!
And then a few of the girls came in talking about their new tattoos and I thought- it's a dang good thing I'm a mom and don't have the money for those things right now because I'd be covered in them! I planned it all out- the Rumi quote on my L side Ribs, the momma elephant with a patch of tiger print on her butt ..tail holding her baby's trunk, the word 'love' on my tri in the shape of a heart that goes around my elbow, the monarch on the underside of my arm with the eye of a tiger & the words 'let it be' and then something on my forearm.. but I ran out of time!
Then I thought about tattoos. I love them. I don't really need anymore... as I age I start to worry more about how they'll look in 40 years! And, honestly, there aren't that many things I need to permanently mark me. But it's interesting- what all those things mean to me. And then the placement of them and what that means. Someone told me once that tattoos were signs of hurt. Out here- people have tattoos all over themselves so I hope that's not true.
So, while I will refrain from any more tattoos at this point, it was an interesting morning of reflection!
And, by the end of the day, after a few good massages, a few sun-salutations, some deep breaths of fresh air, some sunshine... I was feeling pretty good.
I'm still homesick. But, I know if I were there I'd be homesick for here. So, I just keep on- one day at a time. And choosing happiness... choosing love.
I finally got her to the sitters & was driving to work when an anger grew in me so deep-seeded, so strong that it actually came out in a growl of sorts that honestly scared me! ...yet at the same time, I was kind of impressed!
I spent the first 1/2 of the day just wishing I was at my moms house & could take the day off! I also drank too much coffee & forgot my phone.. that thing is like a life-line! Pathetic, I know, but it's tough when you are without it for the whole day.. what am I 'missing out' on?!
I didn't have a client the first hour so I folded a lot of laundry. I folded laundry & stewed in my exhaustion & misery & tried to think of the last time I had fun! ..I've had some really good times, good conversations, laughs with friends, toddler giggles, good hugs, comfortable, cozy moments... but I'm talking like FUN- like cut-loose, no holding back, just a crazy good time... it's been a while! This made me think -I really need to make me happy again & have some dang fun!!
And then a few of the girls came in talking about their new tattoos and I thought- it's a dang good thing I'm a mom and don't have the money for those things right now because I'd be covered in them! I planned it all out- the Rumi quote on my L side Ribs, the momma elephant with a patch of tiger print on her butt ..tail holding her baby's trunk, the word 'love' on my tri in the shape of a heart that goes around my elbow, the monarch on the underside of my arm with the eye of a tiger & the words 'let it be' and then something on my forearm.. but I ran out of time!
Then I thought about tattoos. I love them. I don't really need anymore... as I age I start to worry more about how they'll look in 40 years! And, honestly, there aren't that many things I need to permanently mark me. But it's interesting- what all those things mean to me. And then the placement of them and what that means. Someone told me once that tattoos were signs of hurt. Out here- people have tattoos all over themselves so I hope that's not true.
So, while I will refrain from any more tattoos at this point, it was an interesting morning of reflection!
And, by the end of the day, after a few good massages, a few sun-salutations, some deep breaths of fresh air, some sunshine... I was feeling pretty good.
I'm still homesick. But, I know if I were there I'd be homesick for here. So, I just keep on- one day at a time. And choosing happiness... choosing love.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Is there life out there...
When I was younger I heard the song by Reba McEntire; I think that's when it started! Reba happened to be the first live concert I saw. I believe that "Fancy" was my favorite song of hers at the time- but this one hit me hard when I heard it.
"She married, when she was 20, she thought she was ready, now she's not so sure... she thought she'd done some living, now she's just wondering what she's living for, she's wondering if there's something more... She's done what she should, should she do what she dares... She's always lived for tomorrow, she's never learned how to live for today. she's dying to try something foolish, do something crazy, or just get away... ooh, something for herself for a change... there's a place in the sun that she's never been where life is fair and time is her friend, would she do it the same as she did back then... Is there life out there- so much she hasn't done, is there life beyond her family & her home.
Well, without quoting the entire song! ...I'll just say I've always had this fear of settling and this notion that there's more out there. I swore to myself once that I would have to prove to myself that I could make it out in this great big world by myself before getting married and having kids. And, for some reason, it seemed to me like everyone just kind of quit or gave up on life's great adventure & I didn't want to be one of those people either. I didn't want to just get married to a nice guy who would work a meaningless job to provide a home so we can have some kids & take them to soccer & buy them things. (I don't really know where I got the idea that that's what my life would have to amount to... I think it's weird I think like that! Or that that's what really happens or that jobs are meaningless.. it's just a childish perspective! And, honestly, I wouldn't mind that life -some of the time!!) Meanwhile, I've always looked for some man to come sweep me off my feet & rescue me. I've learned through the years that no one can rescue me. I've also learned that I think I've proved myself enough.
I have recently realized how instead of looking at my life- I throw myself into everyone elses'- whether it's by facebook or emails or letters or phone calls or pinterest or whatever. I have also learned that I'm not missing out. I mean, wherever you are- you're missing out on something! But, if you're truly in your moment, in your life, you're not missing out on anything because everything you need is in that moment you're living!
Now I'm torn between the comfort of being close to family & a life of new adventure. Either way, life is an adventure and we learn and grow if we choose- wherever we are. I SO admire the people who can stay where they are-in the jobs & relationships they have, and continue to grow and find themselves and be happy. We've got to live- wherever we are, make ourselves happy wherever. Still, I find myself listening to songs like these tonight... hoping for a sign!!!;)
Mary May & Bobby
California life alone is just too hard to build...
...Somehow she always knew she had the strength inside, even if she fell- she'd survive...Inspite of all the tears she may cry, this is how she has to live her life. As hard as it might be, she had to find out for herself...
...she's nobodys girl...
And reading signs like these:
You're NOT missing out...
The grass is always greener... if it's greener, you might need to spend some time in your own yard.
Wherever you go, there you are.
Get out of your head and into your body!
Do something for yourself that does not involve technology.
*side-note.. I found this one in my 'draft' box! Wrote it 21 days ago!! Thought I'd post it anyhow!!!
"She married, when she was 20, she thought she was ready, now she's not so sure... she thought she'd done some living, now she's just wondering what she's living for, she's wondering if there's something more... She's done what she should, should she do what she dares... She's always lived for tomorrow, she's never learned how to live for today. she's dying to try something foolish, do something crazy, or just get away... ooh, something for herself for a change... there's a place in the sun that she's never been where life is fair and time is her friend, would she do it the same as she did back then... Is there life out there- so much she hasn't done, is there life beyond her family & her home.
Well, without quoting the entire song! ...I'll just say I've always had this fear of settling and this notion that there's more out there. I swore to myself once that I would have to prove to myself that I could make it out in this great big world by myself before getting married and having kids. And, for some reason, it seemed to me like everyone just kind of quit or gave up on life's great adventure & I didn't want to be one of those people either. I didn't want to just get married to a nice guy who would work a meaningless job to provide a home so we can have some kids & take them to soccer & buy them things. (I don't really know where I got the idea that that's what my life would have to amount to... I think it's weird I think like that! Or that that's what really happens or that jobs are meaningless.. it's just a childish perspective! And, honestly, I wouldn't mind that life -some of the time!!) Meanwhile, I've always looked for some man to come sweep me off my feet & rescue me. I've learned through the years that no one can rescue me. I've also learned that I think I've proved myself enough.
I have recently realized how instead of looking at my life- I throw myself into everyone elses'- whether it's by facebook or emails or letters or phone calls or pinterest or whatever. I have also learned that I'm not missing out. I mean, wherever you are- you're missing out on something! But, if you're truly in your moment, in your life, you're not missing out on anything because everything you need is in that moment you're living!
Now I'm torn between the comfort of being close to family & a life of new adventure. Either way, life is an adventure and we learn and grow if we choose- wherever we are. I SO admire the people who can stay where they are-in the jobs & relationships they have, and continue to grow and find themselves and be happy. We've got to live- wherever we are, make ourselves happy wherever. Still, I find myself listening to songs like these tonight... hoping for a sign!!!;)
Mary May & Bobby
California life alone is just too hard to build...
...Somehow she always knew she had the strength inside, even if she fell- she'd survive...Inspite of all the tears she may cry, this is how she has to live her life. As hard as it might be, she had to find out for herself...
...she's nobodys girl...
And reading signs like these:
You're NOT missing out...
The grass is always greener... if it's greener, you might need to spend some time in your own yard.
Wherever you go, there you are.
Get out of your head and into your body!
Do something for yourself that does not involve technology.
*side-note.. I found this one in my 'draft' box! Wrote it 21 days ago!! Thought I'd post it anyhow!!!
be willing
We must be willing to get rid of the life we have planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.So, it was a week ago yesterday that I had my house packed up and my daughter all ready & we were set to move half way across the country... we were headed home. I'd been going back and forth on the idea since we got to California- a lot more seriously this past December, and then a month ago the idea arose again and I decided to go. I could list 100 reasons why I want(ed) to go back to Iowa; every logical thought, every bit of reason points to us going back there. Not to mention all the fun goings on this summer!
So Monday I woke up, took in a deep breath, looked at my daughter, and knew somewhere deep inside me that going was not the best idea. I couldn't do it. So, I said a prayer & asked that if I was really meant to go- god, please do something to push me out of this state! So, I called about my apartment- they said I could have it back. I called about my job- yes, I could have it back. The sitter even said she could help out for the next couple of weeks. So... shit. I'm staying.
Now, I really like our life here- I have good friends and I really like my job, I love the ocean and that we're so close to so many fabulous places. I love that my sister lives in this state and that people like to visit us here! I like that there are so many kid-friendly activities and that the weather is nearly always getting us outside!
Still- the reasons to go to Iowa FAR outweighed the reasons to stay. But there was just this little voice, this little knowing... this is where I'm meant to be- for now anyways. So, I've been doing some soul-searching. I've gone looking for this voice, tried to sit with and listen to this voice, ran like hell from this voice, tried to drown this voice, begged for some clarity from this voice... and then eventually, I just go to bed!!
I think the situation is that I've grown up thinking I would have a certain kind of life- that I'd be a certain kind of person. And, in my mind- I think I'm a different kind of person than I actually am!! I know what I want- but I think I believe that the only way to have what I want is to be in Iowa because that's all I know. Also, I have a way of getting lost in other peoples lives, ideas, emotions. So, I want to be there to have family dinners (the kind that go differently in my head than they do in reality... even though they're still fabulous!), and for birthday parties and weddings and concerts and short road-trips. I want to be there so that my daughter can know her grandparents & her family & that she will grow up with a simple life full of things that genuinely matter. I want these things even more so when I talk to friends & family that want the same things...
Fear is a very tricky thing. When you come to the crossroads of all you've known and all you've dreamt & you get to that point where you have to take a leap, to do the work, to practice discipline to grow- to be who you are and not who you think you should be -or even want to be- but just who you are ...when you come to this place- it gets scary here and it's hard to move forward when you don't feel well- equipped.
But, I'm here. I feel scared here, and alone...like I want to run home to my mom! But that won't do me much good in the long run! I have a LOT of work to do here and it's going to be really hard. I have to figure out what I want and who I am. When I'm here- I ache for friends and family and for doing the fun things they're doing. But eventually, I'll be grateful for it all but ache for new adventures out West. This is my pattern... Iowa, out West, back to Iowa, back West... and so forth. So for now, even though I reeeally want to be in Iowa and I reeeally miss my friends & family there, I know I have to be here. I have to find a way to be happy in myself, love and know who I am, what I have to offer, what I deserve, and then how to be healthy and truly take care of myself.
It's time to break old patterns and old ways of doing things- open myself up to change and newness and love. To breathe deeply and honor myself and to find the courage it takes to heal. They say it's not good to make big life decisions when you're tired! So, I'm going to give it a bit more of a go. I've got to start living here instead of surviving. I've got to learn to be more compassionate and forgiving of myself and grateful for what is. Let it be, let it be...
So, staying put but off on a new adventure ... here goes nothing!!
xoxo
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Do not cling..
to what you know! Do not cling to what you think or even what you hope! I believe it's necessary to stay open- free of the things that tie us down. The Universe has a way of surprising us.
If we cling to what we hope- we may miss out on a surprise that's even better than we could have ever dreamt!
And in the grand scheme of it all- our mind is so small- it only contains our experiences...or what we remember of our experiences... and if we don't leave our heart open, we may not receive the great gifts & experiences & wonder that awaits us.
I've gone back and forth on this move- I'm driving myself crazy.. like I usually do! Either way- things are going to be really hard- and in equal but very different ways. So, I can't chose the easy way out! What I have come to realize, however, is that I think I know the outcome of both scenarios. If I stay here things will be like *this* and if I go to Iowa then things will be like *that*. The truth is- I don't know- I don't have any idea. But, if I can stay positive & focus on what I do have & practice gratitude every day instead of focusing on what we don't have then the whole world is open & full of possibilities & surprises.
The only thing that matters is that we get to really know ourselves, that we take care of ourselves, and that we shine our lights as brightly as we possibly can- that we get out and truly live. We have to learn to let go- to let go of the past & of the notion that we have a future. All we have is this moment so there is no reason to carry bags in this moment because we do not need them here. There is no reason to cling to anything in this moment because when we cling- we typically forget to breathe and then miss the moment entirely- ...and then we die!:(
So, let go & dance & break your beaten up heart wide open. It matters not where in this world you are but that you live fully wherever you are.
Oh, and don't use the word "can't" I did a few times & by the end of the week- my daughter has started to use it & does so quiet frequently!! Those darn little people are our very best teachers & priceless mirrors. We CAN! We are perfectly capable! We might need a little help or a little rest or a little push, but we can- we are able!
If we cling to what we hope- we may miss out on a surprise that's even better than we could have ever dreamt!
And in the grand scheme of it all- our mind is so small- it only contains our experiences...or what we remember of our experiences... and if we don't leave our heart open, we may not receive the great gifts & experiences & wonder that awaits us.
I've gone back and forth on this move- I'm driving myself crazy.. like I usually do! Either way- things are going to be really hard- and in equal but very different ways. So, I can't chose the easy way out! What I have come to realize, however, is that I think I know the outcome of both scenarios. If I stay here things will be like *this* and if I go to Iowa then things will be like *that*. The truth is- I don't know- I don't have any idea. But, if I can stay positive & focus on what I do have & practice gratitude every day instead of focusing on what we don't have then the whole world is open & full of possibilities & surprises.
The only thing that matters is that we get to really know ourselves, that we take care of ourselves, and that we shine our lights as brightly as we possibly can- that we get out and truly live. We have to learn to let go- to let go of the past & of the notion that we have a future. All we have is this moment so there is no reason to carry bags in this moment because we do not need them here. There is no reason to cling to anything in this moment because when we cling- we typically forget to breathe and then miss the moment entirely- ...and then we die!:(
So, let go & dance & break your beaten up heart wide open. It matters not where in this world you are but that you live fully wherever you are.
Oh, and don't use the word "can't" I did a few times & by the end of the week- my daughter has started to use it & does so quiet frequently!! Those darn little people are our very best teachers & priceless mirrors. We CAN! We are perfectly capable! We might need a little help or a little rest or a little push, but we can- we are able!
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Attention and energy
It's said that energy flows where attention goes... or something like that!;)
I've given a lot of thought to the last post. I have grown up and I have created a life and a home and a community... it's such a blessing -but it's a huge community and it's spread out all over the world!
bottom line: it's truly about the journey, change is constant, choose love- always choose love, and live for the moment but plan for the future... at least a little bit. Oh, and perhaps most important: practice self-discipline and self care. We've got to know how to take care of ourselves and we've got to do what we need (not just want) to get ourselves to where we want to be.
So now, for attention and energy- it's funny how quickly it shifts. As soon as you decide to make a big change, everything about where you're at starts to look perfect! And then you put in your 2 weeks notice & your boss begs you to stay & tells you to go home & sleep on it...again! I think it's fascinating though how we can keep on in a certain way until it no longer works & we feel we have to chuck it all & start over ...but all we really need to do is change direction, change perspective! It doesn't always have to be so drastic! It's all about a change in perspective. So, if there's something in your life you're not happy with- imagine your life without it, or imagine what could take it's place ...just shift your attention for a few days- you might be surprised to see what you find!
I've given a lot of thought to the last post. I have grown up and I have created a life and a home and a community... it's such a blessing -but it's a huge community and it's spread out all over the world!
bottom line: it's truly about the journey, change is constant, choose love- always choose love, and live for the moment but plan for the future... at least a little bit. Oh, and perhaps most important: practice self-discipline and self care. We've got to know how to take care of ourselves and we've got to do what we need (not just want) to get ourselves to where we want to be.
So now, for attention and energy- it's funny how quickly it shifts. As soon as you decide to make a big change, everything about where you're at starts to look perfect! And then you put in your 2 weeks notice & your boss begs you to stay & tells you to go home & sleep on it...again! I think it's fascinating though how we can keep on in a certain way until it no longer works & we feel we have to chuck it all & start over ...but all we really need to do is change direction, change perspective! It doesn't always have to be so drastic! It's all about a change in perspective. So, if there's something in your life you're not happy with- imagine your life without it, or imagine what could take it's place ...just shift your attention for a few days- you might be surprised to see what you find!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Times, they are a changin...
Well now, it's been quite a while. Three months, to be nearly exact.
We moved into a new home and so many things about it are wonderful. 2012 is not messing around though, this is a year of shaking things up! This is a year of getting back to the core of what matters, to the feminine, nurturing, love... especially if you're following the Mayan calendar!
Life is very funny and this week I have been reminded over and over again that the only thing constant is change- through the good times and the bad- and that nothing is to be taken for granted. We can drift through this life wildly, grazing the surface, and getting glimpses of its beauty as we fly by or we can get down and dirty- dig our feet in, break our hearts open, and feel our way through with authenticity. Which one do you choose? I struggle with this. Both are great options!;) I know I want to choose the later but there's something that stands in my way- a fear, of sorts. I am as authentic as I can possibly be but it's that getting to the part where you really know yourself so that you can really be true to yourself that's tough.
My life to this point has been quite the ride! I am thankful for every bit of it. Most of my decisions are based on a 'what the hell' kind of attitude and are made 'in the moment'. This is all well & good if you're a true gypsy! I've got this restless side I just can't seem to tame. To be honest, I don't really want to tame her! But, I do want her to live in balance with the 50's housewife in me! ...And with the peace & free lover in me- and the Little House on the Prairie girl in me, and the Aborigine princess in me! I sometimes wonder if I should seek some serious help with my multiple personalities!;) (Kidding! Though I would certainly benefit from therapy... I am mostly sane!)
I think the problem is that I missed the part where I was supposed to grow up. Now I'm being serious! Some cultures have big celebrations for boys & girls to turn into women and men... not mine! And as weird as I sometimes think that is- it would have been really nice for someone to say "Ok, it's time now- and here are all of our words of wisdom and our greatest bits of advice."
I have learned so much over the last... well, 30 years! But lets break it down to the last year & a half I've spent in California. I've learned that my friends are growing up, that they have families and circles of friends and that they're able to 'connect with the past and connect with the future' (thanks Jo!) -that life is about living it- not clinging to the past or anxiety ridden about the future. Every single moment of every single day should be cherished because it's all we've got. Seasons come and seasons go and there are ups and there are downs and life is about learning to ride the waves- about letting those winds blow through your sails- and about keeping your heart wide open to give and receive in equal parts.
I think it's time now. I've been struggling with this idea of going back to Iowa. I love our life in CA and there is something about the air here that helps me breathe & feel alive & feel connected. I have great friends throughout the state and have built a really sweet community here and am so blessed. We are so blessed. But, my daughter needs her family- I need my family. I wish my family lived here but they just don't. They drive me crazy, but they're my family. I've got a couple of really amazing friends there and that's a blessing too... especially because they don't drive me crazy!;) J's Buddha bedtime story last night said "Life is a journey and change is unavoidable. A wise person accepts this and enjoys each precious moment as fully as they can." (Big lessons for a little girl.. but better to teach early than re-teach later!) So, the important thing is that we take all of our experiences with us but make room for new adventures too. We're not waiting to get started, we're in the middle of it. And the very most important part- give thanks! Honestly, I'm blessed beyond words to have an amazing family & the most amazing daughter anyone could ask for & really , truly beautiful friends... friends that live in Iowa and California and all over this wild world.
A friend just posted this on fb (I'm so neurotic, I checked fb 3 times while writing this!) "
We moved into a new home and so many things about it are wonderful. 2012 is not messing around though, this is a year of shaking things up! This is a year of getting back to the core of what matters, to the feminine, nurturing, love... especially if you're following the Mayan calendar!
Life is very funny and this week I have been reminded over and over again that the only thing constant is change- through the good times and the bad- and that nothing is to be taken for granted. We can drift through this life wildly, grazing the surface, and getting glimpses of its beauty as we fly by or we can get down and dirty- dig our feet in, break our hearts open, and feel our way through with authenticity. Which one do you choose? I struggle with this. Both are great options!;) I know I want to choose the later but there's something that stands in my way- a fear, of sorts. I am as authentic as I can possibly be but it's that getting to the part where you really know yourself so that you can really be true to yourself that's tough.
My life to this point has been quite the ride! I am thankful for every bit of it. Most of my decisions are based on a 'what the hell' kind of attitude and are made 'in the moment'. This is all well & good if you're a true gypsy! I've got this restless side I just can't seem to tame. To be honest, I don't really want to tame her! But, I do want her to live in balance with the 50's housewife in me! ...And with the peace & free lover in me- and the Little House on the Prairie girl in me, and the Aborigine princess in me! I sometimes wonder if I should seek some serious help with my multiple personalities!;) (Kidding! Though I would certainly benefit from therapy... I am mostly sane!)
I think the problem is that I missed the part where I was supposed to grow up. Now I'm being serious! Some cultures have big celebrations for boys & girls to turn into women and men... not mine! And as weird as I sometimes think that is- it would have been really nice for someone to say "Ok, it's time now- and here are all of our words of wisdom and our greatest bits of advice."
I have learned so much over the last... well, 30 years! But lets break it down to the last year & a half I've spent in California. I've learned that my friends are growing up, that they have families and circles of friends and that they're able to 'connect with the past and connect with the future' (thanks Jo!) -that life is about living it- not clinging to the past or anxiety ridden about the future. Every single moment of every single day should be cherished because it's all we've got. Seasons come and seasons go and there are ups and there are downs and life is about learning to ride the waves- about letting those winds blow through your sails- and about keeping your heart wide open to give and receive in equal parts.
I think it's time now. I've been struggling with this idea of going back to Iowa. I love our life in CA and there is something about the air here that helps me breathe & feel alive & feel connected. I have great friends throughout the state and have built a really sweet community here and am so blessed. We are so blessed. But, my daughter needs her family- I need my family. I wish my family lived here but they just don't. They drive me crazy, but they're my family. I've got a couple of really amazing friends there and that's a blessing too... especially because they don't drive me crazy!;) J's Buddha bedtime story last night said "Life is a journey and change is unavoidable. A wise person accepts this and enjoys each precious moment as fully as they can." (Big lessons for a little girl.. but better to teach early than re-teach later!) So, the important thing is that we take all of our experiences with us but make room for new adventures too. We're not waiting to get started, we're in the middle of it. And the very most important part- give thanks! Honestly, I'm blessed beyond words to have an amazing family & the most amazing daughter anyone could ask for & really , truly beautiful friends... friends that live in Iowa and California and all over this wild world.
A friend just posted this on fb (I'm so neurotic, I checked fb 3 times while writing this!) "
Monday, January 16, 2012
lets get serious...
about Transformation.
So, you know those things in your life that don't serve you really but you keep them or do them or whatever... you don't let go because of one reason or another? And then one day... magically, by the grace of God I think, they vanish. It's a little painful- but you know it's for the best so you just tie your ego down and dance in gratitude for you are stepping further into your true self. ...that just happened!
I wonder a lot about friendships recently... and respect and gratitude and responsibility and honesty and humanity. And how all of these words have such different meaning to different people.
I wonder why sometimes it's hard for us to do the 'right' thing. There are people that we love and care about and people who have helped us tremendously or stood beside us and sometimes we aren't appreciative enough. I wonder how much we 'owe' people and why it doesn't always come natural. I wonder why some people are so afraid of communication or confrontation that they would rather sit there with a wounded heart, or ego, than talk about it. I get it, actually, I've been there. Mostly I wonder why I sometimes surround myself with the people that I do & call them my friends. I know deep down that they're not actually friends. They've been our family in a way but aren't friends at all. I know there's something deeper but they refuse to talk about it so I have no choice but to let it go. It's a bit unfortunate. But it most certainly is for the best. We're in a new home now, I'm ready to move forward in my career, my spiritual journey, as a mother & as a friend. I hope to do a better job at loving those good, honest, kind people that love me ...more than those a-holes who are perhaps a bit more exciting! I think it's not as fun to thrive off drama as it is to flourish in the genuine.
So, you know those things in your life that don't serve you really but you keep them or do them or whatever... you don't let go because of one reason or another? And then one day... magically, by the grace of God I think, they vanish. It's a little painful- but you know it's for the best so you just tie your ego down and dance in gratitude for you are stepping further into your true self. ...that just happened!
I wonder a lot about friendships recently... and respect and gratitude and responsibility and honesty and humanity. And how all of these words have such different meaning to different people.
I wonder why sometimes it's hard for us to do the 'right' thing. There are people that we love and care about and people who have helped us tremendously or stood beside us and sometimes we aren't appreciative enough. I wonder how much we 'owe' people and why it doesn't always come natural. I wonder why some people are so afraid of communication or confrontation that they would rather sit there with a wounded heart, or ego, than talk about it. I get it, actually, I've been there. Mostly I wonder why I sometimes surround myself with the people that I do & call them my friends. I know deep down that they're not actually friends. They've been our family in a way but aren't friends at all. I know there's something deeper but they refuse to talk about it so I have no choice but to let it go. It's a bit unfortunate. But it most certainly is for the best. We're in a new home now, I'm ready to move forward in my career, my spiritual journey, as a mother & as a friend. I hope to do a better job at loving those good, honest, kind people that love me ...more than those a-holes who are perhaps a bit more exciting! I think it's not as fun to thrive off drama as it is to flourish in the genuine.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
new places
So, we got all moved into our new place. Well, mostly moved it. It looks like a disaster! And, I'm still cleaning the old place! Never again will I clean a place when I leave... I'll pay someone!! Too much effort... would have been SO worth the money! Now I know!!
Anyhow- life on the 3rd floor is A-ok. There's a book by Iyanla Vanzant called "In the Meantime." This book changed my life. She talks about living our lives in the basement, cleaning house & moving up to the first floor, the second, third, and up to the attic where our true love waits- the kind where we love ourselves enough to know that that love is the only thing that's been missing all along. So, I feel like we were stuck between the basement & the first floor. We left behind a really wonderful space that served so many purposes. But so much has changed & shifted & ended & here we are- a new space, it's not Iowa, and it's on the third floor ...this holds much significance... I tell myself to make climbing all those stairs worth it!
Boys will be boys. And I've spent way too much time playing their games. I feel like everything up to this point has played a specific role. But, we've moved to a new place... it's 2012... I didn't run home, I'm taking time to ground & center... we're here... we're getting stronger & more authentic.
I'm ready to step into this. I'm ready to take a leap on this journey of transformation.
Anyhow- life on the 3rd floor is A-ok. There's a book by Iyanla Vanzant called "In the Meantime." This book changed my life. She talks about living our lives in the basement, cleaning house & moving up to the first floor, the second, third, and up to the attic where our true love waits- the kind where we love ourselves enough to know that that love is the only thing that's been missing all along. So, I feel like we were stuck between the basement & the first floor. We left behind a really wonderful space that served so many purposes. But so much has changed & shifted & ended & here we are- a new space, it's not Iowa, and it's on the third floor ...this holds much significance... I tell myself to make climbing all those stairs worth it!
Boys will be boys. And I've spent way too much time playing their games. I feel like everything up to this point has played a specific role. But, we've moved to a new place... it's 2012... I didn't run home, I'm taking time to ground & center... we're here... we're getting stronger & more authentic.
I'm ready to step into this. I'm ready to take a leap on this journey of transformation.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Christmas & lessons...
So, Christmas is almost here. Tomorrow is Christmas eve day. I started my shopping today. Note: please do not put off shopping until last day! Oh my. I have a way of being indecisive; it takes me so long to make decisions that by the time I finally make up my mind it's too late. For instance... My sister wanted us to come to SF for the holiday. I said I wanted to but didn't have the money. So, then my cousin & a friend said they wanted to go too & drive with. Well, they both ended up backing out & prices sky-rocketed. So now it's just me & the little one & 17 hours in a car in 3 days. Lesson learned- know what you value, know what you can do, do what's best for YOU & if it helps others then great! But don't wait around for them to figure things out!
I've been super sick now for 3 days. Like my head weighs 762 lbs. I had to call in sick to work today. I was going to nap & get some shopping done but then the sitter called & J was sick. So, I had to go pick her up- poor dear. Took her to the doc & he said she's got an ear infection. So, we're supposed to leave in 7-8 hours & I just don't know if it's the best decision. I really want to be there and snuggle in with my sister for Christmas & I really want to get out of this house for a bit! But, I really don't want to make the drive. Especially all myself with a toddler. Ugh.
To top it off... I'm really, really missing my family. I've been trying to decide if we should stay here or move back to Iowa. I love it here. I feel like we're home here. I love my job & have met some really great people. The ladies at work pulled together and gave me a really generous gift. They gave us money to help with Christmas. I'm overwhelmed at their kindness. Especially since I know everyone could use some extra money- especially this time of year. I don't feel like I can even accept it but I don't know what to do.
So back to the moving debate... I love it here & we're blessed. But, I think J needs to have family around & she's missing out on a whole lot of love being so far away. And days like this when I'm sick & can't be a great mom... she doesn't have anywhere to go & I don't have anyone to help. It's honestly all I can do to make her a piece of toast for dinner & watch a movie with her. So, for those reasons & the fact that I just can't afford to be here- to take her to swim lessons or dance class or all the other experiences I want her to have... I think it's time to move back. There's something really beautiful about a small town & the closeness it brings. I know a piece of my shuts down there & can't breathe! But, I think I'm going to have to get past that because the important thing is that our family is there. And at the end of the day- family just wins out. So, we've got another 2 weeks here in this place that I love so dearly & that has been our first real HOME. I cry when I think about leaving & mostly I cry when I think about packing it all up by myself & shipping it out & how we're going to make it all work!!! But, time to seize the day ...cherish the moment.
As for tomorrow & Christmas... I'm not sure yet. I think we'll still try to go but I'm just afraid the travel time won't make up for the fun we'll have with my sister. I want to be there- just don't want to drive!!! Merry Christmas!!!
I've been super sick now for 3 days. Like my head weighs 762 lbs. I had to call in sick to work today. I was going to nap & get some shopping done but then the sitter called & J was sick. So, I had to go pick her up- poor dear. Took her to the doc & he said she's got an ear infection. So, we're supposed to leave in 7-8 hours & I just don't know if it's the best decision. I really want to be there and snuggle in with my sister for Christmas & I really want to get out of this house for a bit! But, I really don't want to make the drive. Especially all myself with a toddler. Ugh.
To top it off... I'm really, really missing my family. I've been trying to decide if we should stay here or move back to Iowa. I love it here. I feel like we're home here. I love my job & have met some really great people. The ladies at work pulled together and gave me a really generous gift. They gave us money to help with Christmas. I'm overwhelmed at their kindness. Especially since I know everyone could use some extra money- especially this time of year. I don't feel like I can even accept it but I don't know what to do.
So back to the moving debate... I love it here & we're blessed. But, I think J needs to have family around & she's missing out on a whole lot of love being so far away. And days like this when I'm sick & can't be a great mom... she doesn't have anywhere to go & I don't have anyone to help. It's honestly all I can do to make her a piece of toast for dinner & watch a movie with her. So, for those reasons & the fact that I just can't afford to be here- to take her to swim lessons or dance class or all the other experiences I want her to have... I think it's time to move back. There's something really beautiful about a small town & the closeness it brings. I know a piece of my shuts down there & can't breathe! But, I think I'm going to have to get past that because the important thing is that our family is there. And at the end of the day- family just wins out. So, we've got another 2 weeks here in this place that I love so dearly & that has been our first real HOME. I cry when I think about leaving & mostly I cry when I think about packing it all up by myself & shipping it out & how we're going to make it all work!!! But, time to seize the day ...cherish the moment.
As for tomorrow & Christmas... I'm not sure yet. I think we'll still try to go but I'm just afraid the travel time won't make up for the fun we'll have with my sister. I want to be there- just don't want to drive!!! Merry Christmas!!!
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Living and decision making!
So, making decisions has never been my strong point! It's like I can see both sides of every situation- the good & the bad! And I generally have a hard time separating myself from the details & think too much about the future.
It's crunch time, however! I've got to give 30 days to my landlord and to baby's sitter because I can't afford next months rent! There's a chance we'll get into an apartment by then but there's also a chance we won't. So, financially I'm in a pickle. This is really nothing new. And, I hate to base decisions on finances because they come and go and somehow, I've always been taken care of in the past & I have faith I will continue to be provided for.
It comes down to what do you value most! Well, I value Love and family and honesty and sincerity and community ...I could go on! But the bottom line is -where does what I value place us? We could stay here because I love it here! I don't know if I see us living in So. Cal forever but I love it for now! And, I love my job. It doesn't provide for us financially and doesn't give us health insurance or a stable income but I love it anyways! I LOVE the ocean! I love playing with my daughter on the beach and swimming in the ocean! I love the sunshine and warm weather. I love the energy of this sweet little town. I know it's got more to offer & we've barely scratched the surface.
Or, we could go to Iowa. My family is there and honestly- I can't imagine my daughter growing up not really knowing them. I want her to know her grandparents & to be close to them. I want her to know her cousins & have a strong sense of where she comes from. There is beauty in that state and in small towns and simple lives. The seasons really change there. And, even though i spent my whole life there (trying to get out!) I believe it has more to offer & I've barely scratched the surface.
I feel alive here. My family is there. I want to live here. I need the help & love & support that is there. Wants and needs, wants and needs. It's not just me any more. I don't live a sweet single life. I want to plant roots and build a family. I want to be able to get out of debt and ahead financially. There is no doubt in my mind that we were supposed to move here. Everything fell beautifully into place! It's been really, super hard but we've grown a LOT and learned a LOT and it's been a grande adventure! Moving back & forth is a lot of work and it takes a lot emotionally, physically, and mentally. I've realized that people are all living their lives and that I've got to stop living mine like I did in the past! I've got to start making a home for my daughter. I realize I don't get to go visit friends or places the way I used to. I have to put her/us first. I've got to start living within my means!
I know I tend to shut down in Iowa; I don't thrive there. Is this because of it's geographical location or some bigger spiritual force, or because of a choice I made? Opportunity to grow or feeling stuck- those are choices! Life is about living it! Live boldly- keep moving forward- make choices & see them through. They'll lead you new places you never dreamed if you let them. No choice is the wrong choice! But that doesn't feel like the case! I sit & stew & stress to the point where I can't even see clearly. I can't see beyond this little box I've built around an idea. The same thoughts go in & out all day.
i've been trying to sit & breath & give thanks for all things are exactly as they should be. Everything is perfect in this moment and I am enough. What about the next moment? ...same thing! Unfortunately this doesn't give me an answer as to what I really want out of life or where I should move to. But if gives me peace in the moment and all we really have in life are little moments. And the more we can stay present in the little moments, the easier it will be to live fully and make good decisions!
It's crunch time, however! I've got to give 30 days to my landlord and to baby's sitter because I can't afford next months rent! There's a chance we'll get into an apartment by then but there's also a chance we won't. So, financially I'm in a pickle. This is really nothing new. And, I hate to base decisions on finances because they come and go and somehow, I've always been taken care of in the past & I have faith I will continue to be provided for.
It comes down to what do you value most! Well, I value Love and family and honesty and sincerity and community ...I could go on! But the bottom line is -where does what I value place us? We could stay here because I love it here! I don't know if I see us living in So. Cal forever but I love it for now! And, I love my job. It doesn't provide for us financially and doesn't give us health insurance or a stable income but I love it anyways! I LOVE the ocean! I love playing with my daughter on the beach and swimming in the ocean! I love the sunshine and warm weather. I love the energy of this sweet little town. I know it's got more to offer & we've barely scratched the surface.
Or, we could go to Iowa. My family is there and honestly- I can't imagine my daughter growing up not really knowing them. I want her to know her grandparents & to be close to them. I want her to know her cousins & have a strong sense of where she comes from. There is beauty in that state and in small towns and simple lives. The seasons really change there. And, even though i spent my whole life there (trying to get out!) I believe it has more to offer & I've barely scratched the surface.
I feel alive here. My family is there. I want to live here. I need the help & love & support that is there. Wants and needs, wants and needs. It's not just me any more. I don't live a sweet single life. I want to plant roots and build a family. I want to be able to get out of debt and ahead financially. There is no doubt in my mind that we were supposed to move here. Everything fell beautifully into place! It's been really, super hard but we've grown a LOT and learned a LOT and it's been a grande adventure! Moving back & forth is a lot of work and it takes a lot emotionally, physically, and mentally. I've realized that people are all living their lives and that I've got to stop living mine like I did in the past! I've got to start making a home for my daughter. I realize I don't get to go visit friends or places the way I used to. I have to put her/us first. I've got to start living within my means!
I know I tend to shut down in Iowa; I don't thrive there. Is this because of it's geographical location or some bigger spiritual force, or because of a choice I made? Opportunity to grow or feeling stuck- those are choices! Life is about living it! Live boldly- keep moving forward- make choices & see them through. They'll lead you new places you never dreamed if you let them. No choice is the wrong choice! But that doesn't feel like the case! I sit & stew & stress to the point where I can't even see clearly. I can't see beyond this little box I've built around an idea. The same thoughts go in & out all day.
i've been trying to sit & breath & give thanks for all things are exactly as they should be. Everything is perfect in this moment and I am enough. What about the next moment? ...same thing! Unfortunately this doesn't give me an answer as to what I really want out of life or where I should move to. But if gives me peace in the moment and all we really have in life are little moments. And the more we can stay present in the little moments, the easier it will be to live fully and make good decisions!
Sunday, November 27, 2011
A mess...
It's been a long weekend and we've been sick. Thank goodness some neighbors/friends invited us over for Thanksgiving dinner on Wednesday so we actually got some good food! Thanksgiving came and we just vegged! Friday came & I had to go to work because well, we need the money! But, I got off early- god answered my prayers! Exhausted, we walked through the door. Jillian said- I want make cookies for dinner. Now, I know better. A.) she's 2- I can tell her no! B.) when feeling ill- one should mostly avoid sugar! C.) it was nearing bedtime & I was tired! Regardless... I thought- yeah, lets make some cookies! So we did and it was mostly fun for the first little bit but then she got over-tired & cranky & needed to go to bed, so did I! A friend stopped by for a second to borrow something & looked at the mess & the screaming child & then looked at me like "what are you doing?" And the first thing that came to my mind & out of my mouth was... "I guess I just don't know what I'd do without a mess to clean up."
And then I thought about this...
And then I nearly cried! I think it's true though. I keep going & going. I certainly didn't NEED to bake cookies or make another mess. I NEEDED to get my child inside, feed her dinner, give her a bath, and put her to bed early. Instead, I added a mess. Don't get me wrong- I Love baking with my daughter- but there's a time & a place!!
So then I thought back to about 3.5 years ago when this all started! His name starts with an E & I've been trying to clean up that mess for years now. It's added stress. I think I go looking for it and invite it in. I have trouble sitting still anymore. I have trouble making it through a yoga class thinking about my body or postures or breathing because my mind is racing. I think I use it as a distraction of sorts- I create messes to keep me from doing the things that really matter- the important stuff. Because making side messes is a good way to keep from going forward when things are scary. It's kind of like making up excuses.
On the one hand- I can make sense of this. On the other hand- I'm ready to get it together- to move forward, to give up making unnecessary messes. I'll save baking cookies for a Sunday afternoon or a rainy day! I'll put my energy to good use. I re-learn to quiet my mind again, to be present with my daughter! I am learning (again) the importance of holding dear what is sacred. We must hold close the things we value the most. Life is going to get fuzzy sometimes or hairy or just not a lot of fun. But instead of hiding from it, eating yourself into a food-coma, cracking out on excess sugar & caffeine, zoning out on movies and other mindless activities- we must push ourselves forward. We must not forget that we are beautiful & fabulously & purposefully made. We must find that fire inside, feed that flame, and shine as bright as the sun... because that's what we were meant to do! Sometimes we need the rest & that should be honored. But to be lazy and hide- that's something different.
So stop- take a look around. Go clean up the messes you've made. Take a long bath, read your new yoga magazine, try a short sequence, get a good nights sleep. Tomorrow is a new day. Seize it!
And then I thought about this...
And then I nearly cried! I think it's true though. I keep going & going. I certainly didn't NEED to bake cookies or make another mess. I NEEDED to get my child inside, feed her dinner, give her a bath, and put her to bed early. Instead, I added a mess. Don't get me wrong- I Love baking with my daughter- but there's a time & a place!!
So then I thought back to about 3.5 years ago when this all started! His name starts with an E & I've been trying to clean up that mess for years now. It's added stress. I think I go looking for it and invite it in. I have trouble sitting still anymore. I have trouble making it through a yoga class thinking about my body or postures or breathing because my mind is racing. I think I use it as a distraction of sorts- I create messes to keep me from doing the things that really matter- the important stuff. Because making side messes is a good way to keep from going forward when things are scary. It's kind of like making up excuses.
On the one hand- I can make sense of this. On the other hand- I'm ready to get it together- to move forward, to give up making unnecessary messes. I'll save baking cookies for a Sunday afternoon or a rainy day! I'll put my energy to good use. I re-learn to quiet my mind again, to be present with my daughter! I am learning (again) the importance of holding dear what is sacred. We must hold close the things we value the most. Life is going to get fuzzy sometimes or hairy or just not a lot of fun. But instead of hiding from it, eating yourself into a food-coma, cracking out on excess sugar & caffeine, zoning out on movies and other mindless activities- we must push ourselves forward. We must not forget that we are beautiful & fabulously & purposefully made. We must find that fire inside, feed that flame, and shine as bright as the sun... because that's what we were meant to do! Sometimes we need the rest & that should be honored. But to be lazy and hide- that's something different.
So stop- take a look around. Go clean up the messes you've made. Take a long bath, read your new yoga magazine, try a short sequence, get a good nights sleep. Tomorrow is a new day. Seize it!
Monday, November 14, 2011
Faith... don't leave me now
Today has been a doozie! We had a nice weekend- a weekend to finally relax & re-group and settle in a little bit.
Today started out sunny & warm & took a quick change to cold & dark ...a bit like my mood!!
I'm just feeling overwhelmed by how easy it is for people to take the easy route. I had a situation with a dude- I thought we were friends, we talked, we hung out, we did things that 'friends' just don't do (but that's a blog for another time... or perhaps it fits into this blog perfectly because it's a story of me giving in to a few moments of pleasure for months of dissatisfaction and then somehow expecting respect in the end... so actually- maybe this ties it all together.. same basic point- different stories.) and then he played the "if I ignore her maybe she'll go away" card. It's fine- many have played that card & I get it. But then to come back & think you haven't done anything wrong and that we're suddenly cool again and worst of all that I'd sleep with you again... now that's just straight up stupid & disrespectful. So I could get into the parts of this situation that are my fault & how I need to further examine the cycles or patterns in my life & how I need to treat myself with more respect if I expect it from others. But, I'm not going to because, well, this is my blog and I have other points to make here!
My main point is- how have we gotten so far from the truth. How have we gotten to the point where it's ok to treat people like they don't matter- like they don't deserve a conversation or your honesty. How have we gotten to the point where we go through life making seriously selfish choices that will only hurt in the end? To follow your heart and do what's right for you is one thing- what I'm talking about is something totally different.
And then there's my sister who called me about an ethical or moral dilemma. She started by saying-"I don't want you to judge me, I just want you to hear me out. I've already made the decision, I just need to run it by you." What she's actually considering isn't that big of a deal when you think about it but the bottom line is that it's illegal and there would be some serious consequences to pay if someone would find out. So I heard her out. And like I said- it doesn't sound like that bad of a gig & she would make money fast & she's in desperate need of money right now. So, I told her I thought she should decline the offer but I figure she wouldn't and I'd love her either way. But as I hung up & thought about it more I thought- by doing this, you would be jeopardizing yourself & your future, you'd be disrespecting your family and your parents who love you & paid for you to go through school, you'd be doing something you knew was wrong because the price was right. There are things (and I know I'm guilty) we talk ourselves into or convince ourselves are not that bad because we really want to do them. Especially if the price is right, if the money is good, it's easier to convince ourselves. So at what point do we stand our moral ground? How do we get to the point where we stand firm in what we believe & choose to do what's right because it's right- not easy, just right? Actually- how do we get away from that?
I can't stop listening to this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xq3BYw4xjxE&feature=share
We Are the Many by Makana
As I listen I think what a predicament our country is in. We live in a world filled with people striving for money and power- a world filled with people who would do just about anything if the price were right. We lose our morals because we'd rather have the money.
So, perhaps it's a matter of having a conversation you should have, of treating someone with respect, of making a smarter choice, of saying no because you know in your heart it's wrong, whatever the case may be- big or small. I encourage you (and me) to take a look at what's really important to us and how do we stand firm in what we believe and live our lives so that the words we speak match our actions.
As my heart breaks because of this madness & sadness, I try to remain faithful. I think of the many blessings in my life. I think of my little girl & the purity in her heart. I look at the turkeys we made with our hands & listed all the things we're thankful for. I think of my dear friends and their love and the really positive things happening in the world... like laughter and friendship and bubbles and colors and new babies being born!:) There's no amount of money that could compare to the way these things make me feel.
Today started out sunny & warm & took a quick change to cold & dark ...a bit like my mood!!
I'm just feeling overwhelmed by how easy it is for people to take the easy route. I had a situation with a dude- I thought we were friends, we talked, we hung out, we did things that 'friends' just don't do (but that's a blog for another time... or perhaps it fits into this blog perfectly because it's a story of me giving in to a few moments of pleasure for months of dissatisfaction and then somehow expecting respect in the end... so actually- maybe this ties it all together.. same basic point- different stories.) and then he played the "if I ignore her maybe she'll go away" card. It's fine- many have played that card & I get it. But then to come back & think you haven't done anything wrong and that we're suddenly cool again and worst of all that I'd sleep with you again... now that's just straight up stupid & disrespectful. So I could get into the parts of this situation that are my fault & how I need to further examine the cycles or patterns in my life & how I need to treat myself with more respect if I expect it from others. But, I'm not going to because, well, this is my blog and I have other points to make here!
My main point is- how have we gotten so far from the truth. How have we gotten to the point where it's ok to treat people like they don't matter- like they don't deserve a conversation or your honesty. How have we gotten to the point where we go through life making seriously selfish choices that will only hurt in the end? To follow your heart and do what's right for you is one thing- what I'm talking about is something totally different.
And then there's my sister who called me about an ethical or moral dilemma. She started by saying-"I don't want you to judge me, I just want you to hear me out. I've already made the decision, I just need to run it by you." What she's actually considering isn't that big of a deal when you think about it but the bottom line is that it's illegal and there would be some serious consequences to pay if someone would find out. So I heard her out. And like I said- it doesn't sound like that bad of a gig & she would make money fast & she's in desperate need of money right now. So, I told her I thought she should decline the offer but I figure she wouldn't and I'd love her either way. But as I hung up & thought about it more I thought- by doing this, you would be jeopardizing yourself & your future, you'd be disrespecting your family and your parents who love you & paid for you to go through school, you'd be doing something you knew was wrong because the price was right. There are things (and I know I'm guilty) we talk ourselves into or convince ourselves are not that bad because we really want to do them. Especially if the price is right, if the money is good, it's easier to convince ourselves. So at what point do we stand our moral ground? How do we get to the point where we stand firm in what we believe & choose to do what's right because it's right- not easy, just right? Actually- how do we get away from that?
I can't stop listening to this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xq3BYw4xjxE&feature=share
We Are the Many by Makana
As I listen I think what a predicament our country is in. We live in a world filled with people striving for money and power- a world filled with people who would do just about anything if the price were right. We lose our morals because we'd rather have the money.
So, perhaps it's a matter of having a conversation you should have, of treating someone with respect, of making a smarter choice, of saying no because you know in your heart it's wrong, whatever the case may be- big or small. I encourage you (and me) to take a look at what's really important to us and how do we stand firm in what we believe and live our lives so that the words we speak match our actions.
As my heart breaks because of this madness & sadness, I try to remain faithful. I think of the many blessings in my life. I think of my little girl & the purity in her heart. I look at the turkeys we made with our hands & listed all the things we're thankful for. I think of my dear friends and their love and the really positive things happening in the world... like laughter and friendship and bubbles and colors and new babies being born!:) There's no amount of money that could compare to the way these things make me feel.
Monday, November 7, 2011
31 Things...
Here is a list of 31 things I've learned along the way. Some of them are bits others have shared with me & some are bits I've made up by myself. Some of these things I'm still working on ...but I know them all to be true... at this time in my life. They're not in any particular order... kind of like my life!
1.) You can't please everyone so you've got to please yourself.
2.)Actions speak louder than words. Words can still hurt-choose them carefully.
3.)You can't save people and no one (but you) can save you.
4.)Love simply to love- expect nothing in return.
5.)That being said-'the greatest gift is to love and be loved in return.'
6.)A good book can change your life.
7.)A good song can too.
8.)Good friends are worth more than any amount of money.
9.)Laughter really is the best medicine.
10.)Time does heal wounds.
11.)Don't give yourself, or even pieces of yourself, away.
12.)When you meet amazing people- be grateful, and be your amazing self back.
13.)Life is about the journey.
14.)Part of the goodness is in the mistakes you make. Hindsight is 20/20!
15.)'Don't fly to high, too far, too fast- there's magic here below...' Be present.
16.)Wherever you go, there you are... learn to love yourself- all the parts of yourself.
17.)Balance is key.
18.)No matter how bad things get- they can always get worse! Find gratitude.
19.)Go with an open heart and an open mind.
20.)When you have your health- you want many things. When you don't, it's all you want.
21.)Life is constantly changing, learn to dance with it.
22.)Everything that glitters is not gold. Find the true beauty.
23.)'Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate but that we are powerful beyond measure.'
24.)You have to accept whatever comes & the only important thing is that you meet it with courage & with the best you have to give."
25.)"The key to intimacy is the commitment to honesty & the radical forgiveness in order for honesty to be safe." -Marianne Williamson
26.)"It seems impossible to love those who hurt and disappoint us- yet, there are no other kinds of people." -Frank Andrews
27.)Giving birth is truly a miracle. (even though it hurts like hell & is not a pleasant experience!)
28.)Being a mother is the greatest gift ever.
29.)Family is important- more important than any riches. Cherish them, love them.
30.)Live life for You. Be conscious & kind & generous & courageous & thoughtful & have fun but be selfish in a good way.
31.)Laugh a lot, play, do things that you love, love everything & everybody, dream big dreams, know that you're the one that has to make them come true, dance through the rain & the sun, stay young at heart, learn to let go, don't take things personally, don't ever lose faith, find the goodness, learn your lessons, take responsibility for yourself, don't 'should' on yourself, stand up for yourself, travel, do things that scare you a little, keep growing, embrace the change, enjoy this moment- for this moment is your life.
Well, I could use a few more years! Anyhow, it's a good start! i turn 31 tomorrow and as I reflect on all the things I've done, the amazing people I've met, experiences I've had- I'm overwhelmed with love & gratitude. I am more blessed than any one person should be. I've got amazing friends & family & my health & my wonderful daughter. This life has been full of ups & downs but I wouldn't trade any of them- it's been a beautiful ride so far! I hope I have many more moons to go!
1.) You can't please everyone so you've got to please yourself.
2.)Actions speak louder than words. Words can still hurt-choose them carefully.
3.)You can't save people and no one (but you) can save you.
4.)Love simply to love- expect nothing in return.
5.)That being said-'the greatest gift is to love and be loved in return.'
6.)A good book can change your life.
7.)A good song can too.
8.)Good friends are worth more than any amount of money.
9.)Laughter really is the best medicine.
10.)Time does heal wounds.
11.)Don't give yourself, or even pieces of yourself, away.
12.)When you meet amazing people- be grateful, and be your amazing self back.
13.)Life is about the journey.
14.)Part of the goodness is in the mistakes you make. Hindsight is 20/20!
15.)'Don't fly to high, too far, too fast- there's magic here below...' Be present.
16.)Wherever you go, there you are... learn to love yourself- all the parts of yourself.
17.)Balance is key.
18.)No matter how bad things get- they can always get worse! Find gratitude.
19.)Go with an open heart and an open mind.
20.)When you have your health- you want many things. When you don't, it's all you want.
21.)Life is constantly changing, learn to dance with it.
22.)Everything that glitters is not gold. Find the true beauty.
23.)'Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate but that we are powerful beyond measure.'
24.)You have to accept whatever comes & the only important thing is that you meet it with courage & with the best you have to give."
25.)"The key to intimacy is the commitment to honesty & the radical forgiveness in order for honesty to be safe." -Marianne Williamson
26.)"It seems impossible to love those who hurt and disappoint us- yet, there are no other kinds of people." -Frank Andrews
27.)Giving birth is truly a miracle. (even though it hurts like hell & is not a pleasant experience!)
28.)Being a mother is the greatest gift ever.
29.)Family is important- more important than any riches. Cherish them, love them.
30.)Live life for You. Be conscious & kind & generous & courageous & thoughtful & have fun but be selfish in a good way.
31.)Laugh a lot, play, do things that you love, love everything & everybody, dream big dreams, know that you're the one that has to make them come true, dance through the rain & the sun, stay young at heart, learn to let go, don't take things personally, don't ever lose faith, find the goodness, learn your lessons, take responsibility for yourself, don't 'should' on yourself, stand up for yourself, travel, do things that scare you a little, keep growing, embrace the change, enjoy this moment- for this moment is your life.
Well, I could use a few more years! Anyhow, it's a good start! i turn 31 tomorrow and as I reflect on all the things I've done, the amazing people I've met, experiences I've had- I'm overwhelmed with love & gratitude. I am more blessed than any one person should be. I've got amazing friends & family & my health & my wonderful daughter. This life has been full of ups & downs but I wouldn't trade any of them- it's been a beautiful ride so far! I hope I have many more moons to go!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Simple truth:
Happiness is not a place. Happiness is not a place you go & feel happy. I mean, sometimes you travel to a new place or an old place that holds a great memory & you feel happy. But, that doesn't mean you pack up & move there & stay until you're not happy anymore (I don't think -but it's kind of worked so far!;)). It comes down to planting yourself in a place -any place- and really getting to know yourself. Every experience gives us an opportunity for choice, for growth, for truth, for happiness. "Settle into your strange home and invest yourself." -I'm not sure who said it but my friend Mary told me that once.
Wherever you are- be you. You can't run from yourself not matter how hard you try.
I've been reading Osho's "Love, Freedom, and Aloneness" and while some of it is a bit out there for me- I've found so much truth and comfort in it. And I've come to see that even though I try and be really mindful of it- my ego gets me into a lot of trouble, it makes me miserable. I'm always trying to make sure to make people happy, that other people like me, so I can prove to myself that I am worthy or likeable or somehow better than most others! I wish it weren't true- it's so embarrassing to see it written down. But, it's the truth. And the fact is that it's not about other people- it's only about you- me- how we feel inside. We love to love- not to be loved in return. We don't love people so they can tell us how fabulous & special we are. We just love. And being kind doesn't always mean being nice I guess. That's another 'quote' I read tonight ...not in my trusty Osho book... and I'm not 100% sure I get it. I kind of think that no one deserves to be talked down to or made to feel bad. But then some people make me feel really bad so I think- in the kindest way- I could be not so nice back to them... right?!;)
Anyways- Iowa or California or anywhere else in the world... I'm always going to miss something about somewhere else. I'm always going to want to travel to see someplace else. I will probably struggle the rest of my life with living where & how I do. All we can do is spend time inside- meditation, prayer, whatever it is to check in with our true selves- leaving our egos at the door- even if just for one split second... And then give thanks. Gratitude is huge. Gratitude for the past & the present- for people & experiences- for every single thing that has gotten us to where we are and every single thing that keeps us going! And then try love- just love, love everything- without any expectations of return- but a strong faith that love will return to you in one way or another because that's just the way of the Universe!
Wherever you are- be you. You can't run from yourself not matter how hard you try.
I've been reading Osho's "Love, Freedom, and Aloneness" and while some of it is a bit out there for me- I've found so much truth and comfort in it. And I've come to see that even though I try and be really mindful of it- my ego gets me into a lot of trouble, it makes me miserable. I'm always trying to make sure to make people happy, that other people like me, so I can prove to myself that I am worthy or likeable or somehow better than most others! I wish it weren't true- it's so embarrassing to see it written down. But, it's the truth. And the fact is that it's not about other people- it's only about you- me- how we feel inside. We love to love- not to be loved in return. We don't love people so they can tell us how fabulous & special we are. We just love. And being kind doesn't always mean being nice I guess. That's another 'quote' I read tonight ...not in my trusty Osho book... and I'm not 100% sure I get it. I kind of think that no one deserves to be talked down to or made to feel bad. But then some people make me feel really bad so I think- in the kindest way- I could be not so nice back to them... right?!;)
Anyways- Iowa or California or anywhere else in the world... I'm always going to miss something about somewhere else. I'm always going to want to travel to see someplace else. I will probably struggle the rest of my life with living where & how I do. All we can do is spend time inside- meditation, prayer, whatever it is to check in with our true selves- leaving our egos at the door- even if just for one split second... And then give thanks. Gratitude is huge. Gratitude for the past & the present- for people & experiences- for every single thing that has gotten us to where we are and every single thing that keeps us going! And then try love- just love, love everything- without any expectations of return- but a strong faith that love will return to you in one way or another because that's just the way of the Universe!
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Iowa
...kind of like the sweet Dar Williams song.
I'm missing it so much right now. I miss Fall there. And, I miss my family so much- I think it's the holidays! I always think of moving back- it's my fallback plan...as I'm sure I've mentioned before. But, I always come to my senses eventually! There's so much more opportunity here & I love it here & the ocean is here & most of my dearest friends live here- well in the state anyways.
Funny how 2 days ago I was feeling great calm. Tonight- I still feel calm but a much more tired calm & I'm moving back to Iowa. (I don't know if we'll actually move back there but I'm trying it on for a bit to see how it feels.) I know I don't love it there near as much. But, there are wonderful people there & my family who would drive me totally nuts but love & support Jillian and I in a way no one else could. So... I'm tired of being stressed about money and worn out. I could work harder- I could make it work here. But is it worth the exhaustion in the end? Could I make myself happy in Iowa? I honestly don't know which is harder- to make ends meet here on our own or to make me happy there. That's kind of sad. Oh well. Just a thought. Today was just kind of a rough day and I can't wait to start my period & stop crying at the drop of a hat!! Thank goodness I had a good friend visiting & thank goodness another is coming in a few days! I feel like I'm just holding out for the next breath of air. Oddly enough- I feel happy here. I don't know how or why but I do. I think- I'm happy! But then I'm writing about how tired I am & all the crap always happening that I just can't deal with anymore. Hmmm...
I'm craving the NW too & Colorado & even sometimes the E coast for a vacation. Maybe I'll just never be totally satisfied. Maybe I'll get myself on my mat eventually & spend some real time inside instead of spinning the wheels in my head until they all spew out of my mouth without any real rhyme or reason?! Who knows?!
I'm missing it so much right now. I miss Fall there. And, I miss my family so much- I think it's the holidays! I always think of moving back- it's my fallback plan...as I'm sure I've mentioned before. But, I always come to my senses eventually! There's so much more opportunity here & I love it here & the ocean is here & most of my dearest friends live here- well in the state anyways.
Funny how 2 days ago I was feeling great calm. Tonight- I still feel calm but a much more tired calm & I'm moving back to Iowa. (I don't know if we'll actually move back there but I'm trying it on for a bit to see how it feels.) I know I don't love it there near as much. But, there are wonderful people there & my family who would drive me totally nuts but love & support Jillian and I in a way no one else could. So... I'm tired of being stressed about money and worn out. I could work harder- I could make it work here. But is it worth the exhaustion in the end? Could I make myself happy in Iowa? I honestly don't know which is harder- to make ends meet here on our own or to make me happy there. That's kind of sad. Oh well. Just a thought. Today was just kind of a rough day and I can't wait to start my period & stop crying at the drop of a hat!! Thank goodness I had a good friend visiting & thank goodness another is coming in a few days! I feel like I'm just holding out for the next breath of air. Oddly enough- I feel happy here. I don't know how or why but I do. I think- I'm happy! But then I'm writing about how tired I am & all the crap always happening that I just can't deal with anymore. Hmmm...
I'm craving the NW too & Colorado & even sometimes the E coast for a vacation. Maybe I'll just never be totally satisfied. Maybe I'll get myself on my mat eventually & spend some real time inside instead of spinning the wheels in my head until they all spew out of my mouth without any real rhyme or reason?! Who knows?!
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Calm
Things have been so crazy. Like deal-breaking crazy! I've been a mess. All the things going on in my head-like a hamster on a wheel, all the stress, all the trying to be 7 different women in one (sounds attractive, huh?!) finally got to me on a physical level. I've been so tired- like totally depleted, can hardly make it through a massage- much less a whole day tired. And I've been sick- like constantly nauseous & had headaches... I never get headaches. Kind of like the first trimester of pregnancy but dare I say worse?! Ugh.
It finally turned. Thanks to a nice walk by the ocean, a good talk with my life coach/chiropractor, talks with friends, bits of inspiration people have been posting like crazy to facebook, the dawning of the Age of Aquarius (the actual time, not the song!)! I'm so grateful.
I find myself in these dark places every now and again. And I love this foggy weather SO much but it feeds my mood. Then I get depleted of Vitamin D which just further exaggerates it all!!! I've started to notice these cycles in my life, these patterns.
Sometimes I like to sulk a bit... it just feels good (for a really short time) to lay in bed, to take a day off, to splurge at Target, or to bake, to listen to sad music, to drink too much wine, and to cry really, really hard underneath a great big ol tree in the middle of a park next to the freeway!
Action steps. It comes down to taking action steps... doing SOMEthing! Even if it's a really small step. And then give yourself credit for it. Don't be so hard on yourself (I can't help it). Love- love so big & so unconditionally. Love everything. Hurts & disappointments are real but they're hardly ever deliberate. Even if you think someone should know better... people don't usually intend to hurt us. So really- it's how we handle it. We always have a choice. Healthy food makes a big difference too. Sugar is a real killer... even though it's my drug of choice! oooo, or maybe caffeine!! I've been drinking way too much coffee! Physical activity is huge too. When you're feeling run down or down in the dumps- there's nothing like a good walk & some fresh air to blow the stink off you. Oh, and one more thing- finding inspiration in others. Picking out the strengths of your friends, admiring people, giving random compliments, watching a child laugh or play mom to her animals or sing songs. And my new favorite... pinterest.com. Dang that site is addicting!
I've been working on a vision board but have been lacking the motivation & inspiration- because of the above mentioned! So, a friend suggested pinterest & now I'm in love! I get to create an online vision board & change it whenever i want to & find inspiration from all kinds of creative people!
Finally, we had a really great weekend. We went to the zoo. We took walks, we got pumpkins, we went to the farmers market, we made banana & blueberry pancakes, we laughed a lot & played & colored & I realized just how amazing this little person of (mine) is. And I really just let myself love her instead of worrying about a mess or a bedtime or what she eats for dinner. And now it's Sunday night & the candles are lit & Pandora is playing a sweet Joe Purdy mix & it's warm & cozy in our home & there's just a sweet calm that's come over me & I'm grateful.
It finally turned. Thanks to a nice walk by the ocean, a good talk with my life coach/chiropractor, talks with friends, bits of inspiration people have been posting like crazy to facebook, the dawning of the Age of Aquarius (the actual time, not the song!)! I'm so grateful.
I find myself in these dark places every now and again. And I love this foggy weather SO much but it feeds my mood. Then I get depleted of Vitamin D which just further exaggerates it all!!! I've started to notice these cycles in my life, these patterns.
Sometimes I like to sulk a bit... it just feels good (for a really short time) to lay in bed, to take a day off, to splurge at Target, or to bake, to listen to sad music, to drink too much wine, and to cry really, really hard underneath a great big ol tree in the middle of a park next to the freeway!
Action steps. It comes down to taking action steps... doing SOMEthing! Even if it's a really small step. And then give yourself credit for it. Don't be so hard on yourself (I can't help it). Love- love so big & so unconditionally. Love everything. Hurts & disappointments are real but they're hardly ever deliberate. Even if you think someone should know better... people don't usually intend to hurt us. So really- it's how we handle it. We always have a choice. Healthy food makes a big difference too. Sugar is a real killer... even though it's my drug of choice! oooo, or maybe caffeine!! I've been drinking way too much coffee! Physical activity is huge too. When you're feeling run down or down in the dumps- there's nothing like a good walk & some fresh air to blow the stink off you. Oh, and one more thing- finding inspiration in others. Picking out the strengths of your friends, admiring people, giving random compliments, watching a child laugh or play mom to her animals or sing songs. And my new favorite... pinterest.com. Dang that site is addicting!
I've been working on a vision board but have been lacking the motivation & inspiration- because of the above mentioned! So, a friend suggested pinterest & now I'm in love! I get to create an online vision board & change it whenever i want to & find inspiration from all kinds of creative people!
Finally, we had a really great weekend. We went to the zoo. We took walks, we got pumpkins, we went to the farmers market, we made banana & blueberry pancakes, we laughed a lot & played & colored & I realized just how amazing this little person of (mine) is. And I really just let myself love her instead of worrying about a mess or a bedtime or what she eats for dinner. And now it's Sunday night & the candles are lit & Pandora is playing a sweet Joe Purdy mix & it's warm & cozy in our home & there's just a sweet calm that's come over me & I'm grateful.
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