Christmas & lessons...

So, Christmas is almost here. Tomorrow is Christmas eve day. I started my shopping today. Note: please do not put off shopping until last day! Oh my. I have a way of being indecisive; it takes me so long to make decisions that by the time I finally make up my mind it's too late. For instance... My sister wanted us to come to SF for the holiday. I said I wanted to but didn't have the money. So, then my cousin & a friend said they wanted to go too & drive with. Well, they both ended up backing out & prices sky-rocketed. So now it's just me & the little one & 17 hours in a car in 3 days. Lesson learned- know what you value, know what you can do, do what's best for YOU & if it helps others then great! But don't wait around for them to figure things out!
I've been super sick now for 3 days. Like my head weighs 762 lbs. I had to call in sick to work today. I was going to nap & get some shopping done but then the sitter called & J was sick. So, I had to go pick her up- poor dear. Took her to the doc & he said she's got an ear infection. So, we're supposed to leave in 7-8 hours & I just don't know if it's the best decision. I really want to be there and snuggle in with my sister for Christmas & I really want to get out of this house for a bit! But, I really don't want to make the drive. Especially all myself with a toddler. Ugh.
To top it off... I'm really, really missing my family. I've been trying to decide if we should stay here or move back to Iowa. I love it here. I feel like we're home here. I love my job & have met some really great people. The ladies at work pulled together and gave me a really generous gift. They gave us money to help with Christmas. I'm overwhelmed at their kindness. Especially since I know everyone could use some extra money- especially this time of year. I don't feel like I can even accept it but I don't know what to do.
So back to the moving debate... I love it here & we're blessed. But, I think J needs to have family around & she's missing out on a whole lot of love being so far away. And days like this when I'm sick & can't be a great mom... she doesn't have anywhere to go & I don't have anyone to help. It's honestly all I can do to make her a piece of toast for dinner & watch a movie with her. So, for those reasons & the fact that I just can't afford to be here- to take her to swim lessons or dance class or all the other experiences I want her to have... I think it's time to move back. There's something really beautiful about a small town & the closeness it brings. I know a piece of my shuts down there & can't breathe! But, I think I'm going to have to get past that because the important thing is that our family is there. And at the end of the day- family just wins out. So, we've got another 2 weeks here in this place that I love so dearly & that has been our first real HOME. I cry when I think about leaving & mostly I cry when I think about packing it all up by myself & shipping it out & how we're going to make it all work!!! But, time to seize the day ...cherish the moment.
As for tomorrow & Christmas... I'm not sure yet. I think we'll still try to go but I'm just afraid the travel time won't make up for the fun we'll have with my sister. I want to be there- just don't want to drive!!! Merry Christmas!!!

Living and decision making!

So, making decisions has never been my strong point! It's like I can see both sides of every situation- the good & the bad! And I generally have a hard time separating myself from the details & think too much about the future.
It's crunch time, however! I've got to give 30 days to my landlord and to baby's sitter because I can't afford next months rent! There's a chance we'll get into an apartment by then but there's also a chance we won't. So, financially I'm in a pickle. This is really nothing new. And, I hate to base decisions on finances because they come and go and somehow, I've always been taken care of in the past & I have faith I will continue to be provided for.
It comes down to what do you value most! Well, I value Love and family and honesty and sincerity and community ...I could go on! But the bottom line is -where does what I value place us? We could stay here because I love it here! I don't know if I see us living in So. Cal forever but I love it for now! And, I love my job. It doesn't provide for us financially and doesn't give us health insurance or a stable income but I love it anyways! I LOVE the ocean! I love playing with my daughter on the beach and swimming in the ocean! I love the sunshine and warm weather. I love the energy of this sweet little town. I know it's got more to offer & we've barely scratched the surface.
Or, we could go to Iowa. My family is there and honestly- I can't imagine my daughter growing up not really knowing them. I want her to know her grandparents & to be close to them. I want her to know her cousins & have a strong sense of where she comes from. There is beauty in that state and in small towns and simple lives. The seasons really change there. And, even though i spent my whole life there (trying to get out!) I believe it has more to offer & I've barely scratched the surface.
I feel alive here. My family is there. I want to live here. I need the help & love & support that is there. Wants and needs, wants and needs. It's not just me any more. I don't live a sweet single life. I want to plant roots and build a family. I want to be able to get out of debt and ahead financially. There is no doubt in my mind that we were supposed to move here. Everything fell beautifully into place! It's been really, super hard but we've grown a LOT and learned a LOT and it's been a grande adventure! Moving back & forth is a lot of work and it takes a lot emotionally, physically, and mentally. I've realized that people are all living their lives and that I've got to stop living mine like I did in the past! I've got to start making a home for my daughter. I realize I don't get to go visit friends or places the way I used to. I have to put her/us first. I've got to start living within my means!
I know I tend to shut down in Iowa; I don't thrive there. Is this because of it's geographical location or some bigger spiritual force, or because of a choice I made? Opportunity to grow or feeling stuck- those are choices! Life is about living it! Live boldly- keep moving forward- make choices & see them through. They'll lead you new places you never dreamed if you let them. No choice is the wrong choice! But that doesn't feel like the case! I sit & stew & stress to the point where I can't even see clearly. I can't see beyond this little box I've built around an idea. The same thoughts go in & out all day.
i've been trying to sit & breath & give thanks for all things are exactly as they should be. Everything is perfect in this moment and I am enough. What about the next moment? ...same thing! Unfortunately this doesn't give me an answer as to what I really want out of life or where I should move to. But if gives me peace in the moment and all we really have in life are little moments. And the more we can stay present in the little moments, the easier it will be to live fully and make good decisions!

A mess...

It's been a long weekend and we've been sick. Thank goodness some neighbors/friends invited us over for Thanksgiving dinner on Wednesday so we actually got some good food! Thanksgiving came and we just vegged! Friday came & I had to go to work because well, we need the money! But, I got off early- god answered my prayers! Exhausted, we walked through the door. Jillian said- I want make cookies for dinner. Now, I know better. A.) she's 2- I can tell her no! B.) when feeling ill- one should mostly avoid sugar! C.) it was nearing bedtime & I was tired! Regardless... I thought- yeah, lets make some cookies! So we did and it was mostly fun for the first little bit but then she got over-tired & cranky & needed to go to bed, so did I! A friend stopped by for a second to borrow something & looked at the mess & the screaming child & then looked at me like "what are you doing?" And the first thing that came to my mind & out of my mouth was... "I guess I just don't know what I'd do without a mess to clean up."
And then I thought about this...
And then I nearly cried! I think it's true though. I keep going & going. I certainly didn't NEED to bake cookies or make another mess. I NEEDED to get my child inside, feed her dinner, give her a bath, and put her to bed early. Instead, I added a mess. Don't get me wrong- I Love baking with my daughter- but there's a time & a place!!
So then I thought back to about 3.5 years ago when this all started! His name starts with an E & I've been trying to clean up that mess for years now. It's added stress. I think I go looking for it and invite it in. I have trouble sitting still anymore. I have trouble making it through a yoga class thinking about my body or postures or breathing because my mind is racing. I think I use it as a distraction of sorts- I create messes to keep me from doing the things that really matter- the important stuff. Because making side messes is a good way to keep from going forward when things are scary. It's kind of like making up excuses.
On the one hand- I can make sense of this. On the other hand- I'm ready to get it together- to move forward, to give up making unnecessary messes. I'll save baking cookies for a Sunday afternoon or a rainy day! I'll put my energy to good use. I re-learn to quiet my mind again, to be present with my daughter! I am learning (again) the importance of holding dear what is sacred. We must hold close the things we value the most. Life is going to get fuzzy sometimes or hairy or just not a lot of fun. But instead of hiding from it, eating yourself into a food-coma, cracking out on excess sugar & caffeine, zoning out on movies and other mindless activities- we must push ourselves forward. We must not forget that we are beautiful & fabulously & purposefully made. We must find that fire inside, feed that flame, and shine as bright as the sun... because that's what we were meant to do! Sometimes we need the rest & that should be honored. But to be lazy and hide- that's something different.
So stop- take a look around. Go clean up the messes you've made. Take a long bath, read your new yoga magazine, try a short sequence, get a good nights sleep. Tomorrow is a new day. Seize it!

Faith... don't leave me now

Today has been a doozie! We had a nice weekend- a weekend to finally relax & re-group and settle in a little bit.
Today started out sunny & warm & took a quick change to cold & dark ...a bit like my mood!!
I'm just feeling overwhelmed by how easy it is for people to take the easy route. I had a situation with a dude- I thought we were friends, we talked, we hung out, we did things that 'friends' just don't do (but that's a blog for another time... or perhaps it fits into this blog perfectly because it's a story of me giving in to a few moments of pleasure for months of dissatisfaction and then somehow expecting respect in the end... so actually- maybe this ties it all together.. same basic point- different stories.) and then he played the "if I ignore her maybe she'll go away" card. It's fine- many have played that card & I get it. But then to come back & think you haven't done anything wrong and that we're suddenly cool again and worst of all that I'd sleep with you again... now that's just straight up stupid & disrespectful. So I could get into the parts of this situation that are my fault & how I need to further examine the cycles or patterns in my life & how I need to treat myself with more respect if I expect it from others. But, I'm not going to because, well, this is my blog and I have other points to make here!
My main point is- how have we gotten so far from the truth. How have we gotten to the point where it's ok to treat people like they don't matter- like they don't deserve a conversation or your honesty. How have we gotten to the point where we go through life making seriously selfish choices that will only hurt in the end? To follow your heart and do what's right for you is one thing- what I'm talking about is something totally different.
And then there's my sister who called me about an ethical or moral dilemma. She started by saying-"I don't want you to judge me, I just want you to hear me out. I've already made the decision, I just need to run it by you." What she's actually considering isn't that big of a deal when you think about it but the bottom line is that it's illegal and there would be some serious consequences to pay if someone would find out. So I heard her out. And like I said- it doesn't sound like that bad of a gig & she would make money fast & she's in desperate need of money right now. So, I told her I thought she should decline the offer but I figure she wouldn't and I'd love her either way. But as I hung up & thought about it more I thought- by doing this, you would be jeopardizing yourself & your future, you'd be disrespecting your family and your parents who love you & paid for you to go through school, you'd be doing something you knew was wrong because the price was right. There are things (and I know I'm guilty) we talk ourselves into or convince ourselves are not that bad because we really want to do them. Especially if the price is right, if the money is good, it's easier to convince ourselves. So at what point do we stand our moral ground? How do we get to the point where we stand firm in what we believe & choose to do what's right because it's right- not easy, just right? Actually- how do we get away from that?
I can't stop listening to this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xq3BYw4xjxE&feature=share
We Are the Many by Makana
As I listen I think what a predicament our country is in. We live in a world filled with people striving for money and power- a world filled with people who would do just about anything if the price were right. We lose our morals because we'd rather have the money.
So, perhaps it's a matter of having a conversation you should have, of treating someone with respect, of making a smarter choice, of saying no because you know in your heart it's wrong, whatever the case may be- big or small. I encourage you (and me) to take a look at what's really important to us and how do we stand firm in what we believe and live our lives so that the words we speak match our actions.
As my heart breaks because of this madness & sadness, I try to remain faithful. I think of the many blessings in my life. I think of my little girl & the purity in her heart. I look at the turkeys we made with our hands & listed all the things we're thankful for. I think of my dear friends and their love and the really positive things happening in the world... like laughter and friendship and bubbles and colors and new babies being born!:) There's no amount of money that could compare to the way these things make me feel.

31 Things...

Here is a list of 31 things I've learned along the way. Some of them are bits others have shared with me & some are bits I've made up by myself. Some of these things I'm still working on ...but I know them all to be true... at this time in my life. They're not in any particular order... kind of like my life!
1.) You can't please everyone so you've got to please yourself.
2.)Actions speak louder than words. Words can still hurt-choose them carefully.
3.)You can't save people and no one (but you) can save you.
4.)Love simply to love- expect nothing in return.
5.)That being said-'the greatest gift is to love and be loved in return.'
6.)A good book can change your life.
7.)A good song can too.
8.)Good friends are worth more than any amount of money.
9.)Laughter really is the best medicine.
10.)Time does heal wounds.
11.)Don't give yourself, or even pieces of yourself, away.
12.)When you meet amazing people- be grateful, and be your amazing self back.
13.)Life is about the journey.
14.)Part of the goodness is in the mistakes you make. Hindsight is 20/20!
15.)'Don't fly to high, too far, too fast- there's magic here below...' Be present.
16.)Wherever you go, there you are... learn to love yourself- all the parts of yourself.
17.)Balance is key.
18.)No matter how bad things get- they can always get worse! Find gratitude.
19.)Go with an open heart and an open mind.
20.)When you have your health- you want many things. When you don't, it's all you want.
21.)Life is constantly changing, learn to dance with it.
22.)Everything that glitters is not gold. Find the true beauty.
23.)'Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate but that we are powerful beyond measure.'
24.)You have to accept whatever comes & the only important thing is that you meet it with courage & with the best you have to give."
25.)"The key to intimacy is the commitment to honesty & the radical forgiveness in order for honesty to be safe." -Marianne Williamson
26.)"It seems impossible to love those who hurt and disappoint us- yet, there are no other kinds of people." -Frank Andrews
27.)Giving birth is truly a miracle. (even though it hurts like hell & is not a pleasant experience!)
28.)Being a mother is the greatest gift ever.
29.)Family is important- more important than any riches. Cherish them, love them.
30.)Live life for You. Be conscious & kind & generous & courageous & thoughtful & have fun but be selfish in a good way.
31.)Laugh a lot, play, do things that you love, love everything & everybody, dream big dreams, know that you're the one that has to make them come true, dance through the rain & the sun, stay young at heart, learn to let go, don't take things personally, don't ever lose faith, find the goodness, learn your lessons, take responsibility for yourself, don't 'should' on yourself, stand up for yourself, travel, do things that scare you a little, keep growing, embrace the change, enjoy this moment- for this moment is your life.

Well, I could use a few more years! Anyhow, it's a good start! i turn 31 tomorrow and as I reflect on all the things I've done, the amazing people I've met, experiences I've had- I'm overwhelmed with love & gratitude. I am more blessed than any one person should be. I've got amazing friends & family & my health & my wonderful daughter. This life has been full of ups & downs but I wouldn't trade any of them- it's been a beautiful ride so far! I hope I have many more moons to go!

Simple truth:

Happiness is not a place. Happiness is not a place you go & feel happy. I mean, sometimes you travel to a new place or an old place that holds a great memory & you feel happy. But, that doesn't mean you pack up & move there & stay until you're not happy anymore (I don't think -but it's kind of worked so far!;)). It comes down to planting yourself in a place -any place- and really getting to know yourself. Every experience gives us an opportunity for choice, for growth, for truth, for happiness. "Settle into your strange home and invest yourself." -I'm not sure who said it but my friend Mary told me that once.
Wherever you are- be you. You can't run from yourself not matter how hard you try.
I've been reading Osho's "Love, Freedom, and Aloneness" and while some of it is a bit out there for me- I've found so much truth and comfort in it. And I've come to see that even though I try and be really mindful of it- my ego gets me into a lot of trouble, it makes me miserable. I'm always trying to make sure to make people happy, that other people like me, so I can prove to myself that I am worthy or likeable or somehow better than most others! I wish it weren't true- it's so embarrassing to see it written down. But, it's the truth. And the fact is that it's not about other people- it's only about you- me- how we feel inside. We love to love- not to be loved in return. We don't love people so they can tell us how fabulous & special we are. We just love. And being kind doesn't always mean being nice I guess. That's another 'quote' I read tonight ...not in my trusty Osho book... and I'm not 100% sure I get it. I kind of think that no one deserves to be talked down to or made to feel bad. But then some people make me feel really bad so I think- in the kindest way- I could be not so nice back to them... right?!;)
Anyways- Iowa or California or anywhere else in the world... I'm always going to miss something about somewhere else. I'm always going to want to travel to see someplace else. I will probably struggle the rest of my life with living where & how I do. All we can do is spend time inside- meditation, prayer, whatever it is to check in with our true selves- leaving our egos at the door- even if just for one split second... And then give thanks. Gratitude is huge. Gratitude for the past & the present- for people & experiences- for every single thing that has gotten us to where we are and every single thing that keeps us going! And then try love- just love, love everything- without any expectations of return- but a strong faith that love will return to you in one way or another because that's just the way of the Universe!

Iowa

...kind of like the sweet Dar Williams song.
I'm missing it so much right now. I miss Fall there. And, I miss my family so much- I think it's the holidays! I always think of moving back- it's my fallback plan...as I'm sure I've mentioned before. But, I always come to my senses eventually! There's so much more opportunity here & I love it here & the ocean is here & most of my dearest friends live here- well in the state anyways.
Funny how 2 days ago I was feeling great calm. Tonight- I still feel calm but a much more tired calm & I'm moving back to Iowa. (I don't know if we'll actually move back there but I'm trying it on for a bit to see how it feels.) I know I don't love it there near as much. But, there are wonderful people there & my family who would drive me totally nuts but love & support Jillian and I in a way no one else could. So... I'm tired of being stressed about money and worn out. I could work harder- I could make it work here. But is it worth the exhaustion in the end? Could I make myself happy in Iowa? I honestly don't know which is harder- to make ends meet here on our own or to make me happy there. That's kind of sad. Oh well. Just a thought. Today was just kind of a rough day and I can't wait to start my period & stop crying at the drop of a hat!! Thank goodness I had a good friend visiting & thank goodness another is coming in a few days! I feel like I'm just holding out for the next breath of air. Oddly enough- I feel happy here. I don't know how or why but I do. I think- I'm happy! But then I'm writing about how tired I am & all the crap always happening that I just can't deal with anymore. Hmmm...
I'm craving the NW too & Colorado & even sometimes the E coast for a vacation. Maybe I'll just never be totally satisfied. Maybe I'll get myself on my mat eventually & spend some real time inside instead of spinning the wheels in my head until they all spew out of my mouth without any real rhyme or reason?! Who knows?!

Calm

Things have been so crazy. Like deal-breaking crazy! I've been a mess. All the things going on in my head-like a hamster on a wheel, all the stress, all the trying to be 7 different women in one (sounds attractive, huh?!) finally got to me on a physical level. I've been so tired- like totally depleted, can hardly make it through a massage- much less a whole day tired. And I've been sick- like constantly nauseous & had headaches... I never get headaches. Kind of like the first trimester of pregnancy but dare I say worse?! Ugh.
It finally turned. Thanks to a nice walk by the ocean, a good talk with my life coach/chiropractor, talks with friends, bits of inspiration people have been posting like crazy to facebook, the dawning of the Age of Aquarius (the actual time, not the song!)! I'm so grateful.
I find myself in these dark places every now and again. And I love this foggy weather SO much but it feeds my mood. Then I get depleted of Vitamin D which just further exaggerates it all!!! I've started to notice these cycles in my life, these patterns.
Sometimes I like to sulk a bit... it just feels good (for a really short time) to lay in bed, to take a day off, to splurge at Target, or to bake, to listen to sad music, to drink too much wine, and to cry really, really hard underneath a great big ol tree in the middle of a park next to the freeway!
Action steps. It comes down to taking action steps... doing SOMEthing! Even if it's a really small step. And then give yourself credit for it. Don't be so hard on yourself (I can't help it). Love- love so big & so unconditionally. Love everything. Hurts & disappointments are real but they're hardly ever deliberate. Even if you think someone should know better... people don't usually intend to hurt us. So really- it's how we handle it. We always have a choice. Healthy food makes a big difference too. Sugar is a real killer... even though it's my drug of choice! oooo, or maybe caffeine!! I've been drinking way too much coffee! Physical activity is huge too. When you're feeling run down or down in the dumps- there's nothing like a good walk & some fresh air to blow the stink off you. Oh, and one more thing- finding inspiration in others. Picking out the strengths of your friends, admiring people, giving random compliments, watching a child laugh or play mom to her animals or sing songs. And my new favorite... pinterest.com. Dang that site is addicting!
I've been working on a vision board but have been lacking the motivation & inspiration- because of the above mentioned! So, a friend suggested pinterest & now I'm in love! I get to create an online vision board & change it whenever i want to & find inspiration from all kinds of creative people!
Finally, we had a really great weekend. We went to the zoo. We took walks, we got pumpkins, we went to the farmers market, we made banana & blueberry pancakes, we laughed a lot & played & colored & I realized just how amazing this little person of (mine) is. And I really just let myself love her instead of worrying about a mess or a bedtime or what she eats for dinner. And now it's Sunday night & the candles are lit & Pandora is playing a sweet Joe Purdy mix & it's warm & cozy in our home & there's just a sweet calm that's come over me & I'm grateful.

Lessons from a mouse!

So... we had a mouse... in the house! Gross! And, I knew it- I just avoided it... thinking the little fella would just go away! I saw a few droppings. And then the neighbors talked about finding mice. And then I found more droppings a few days later. He (I decided the mouse was a he- being a pest & all!) wasn't going to leave. Why would he?! The though of killing him nearly killed me. I mean really- mice are just kind of cute. They're not cute in my house- they're pesky & they carry disease & the tear things apart & leave big messes... I had to tell myself of all the really gross things! So then my neighbor brought over a trap she had used (bless her!) So, I did it. I set the traps. I cleaned out the cupboards- I mean really cleaned them out- like Spring cleaning (and I really dislike getting into the icky stuff!). The first day... there was nothing. But then the next morning... Got him! Yeah! Now.. how to get rid of him? The trap was a nice one -I guess, as far as traps go! I know nothing of them really. But, it was borrowed so I didn't want to just throw it away! I'd be a good neighbor & return the trap... after I reset it to try & catch the other 20 that I was convinced were living in my house! It took me 20 minutes & a strong cup of coffee to finally get up the courage to grab a plastic bag- stick my hand in the cupboard & get that guy out of there & dispose of him... in the ...ugh...dumpster!
I just caught one mouse. He was a little mouse. I continued cleaning my house like I was nesting or something. I got behind all the bookshelves, tore apart my closet, re-organized everything. I found droppings everywhere. They were in all the above mentioned places. I was disinfecting everything & doing multiple loads of laundry. How did one little mouse do all that work? Eww.. and while we were sleeping?! Sick! I also got a bed to get our mattress off the floor... finally!
The moral of this story is that I should have taken care of this little dude at first sight. But, it grossed me out. I felt bad killing him & I honestly hoped he'd just go away! I knew better... he didn't. Like most things in life- we have to deal with them. Whether it's an incorrect charge on a bill, a dying or lingering romance, stacks of bills piled up on your table, the letter you've been needing to write, an apology you've been needing to make, whatever it is- it most likely won't just go away. It's going to need your attention. And I've been learning this lesson for a while now. I have to start dealing with things right as they come up instead of putting them in a pile for a few weeks or months until it 'goes away' ...or until I have the time & energy to deal with it. But what happens when we're waiting for that energy or inspiration is the damage. It might be financial or physical damage. Or, it might be emotionally or energetically draining...the lingering of it all. Either way... Clean house. Deal with things as they come up. Clear out the old to make room for the new. Don't leave big messes around only to be made into even bigger messes. Take care of business! Bummer I had to learn it from a mouse!

Hope ...& Stuff

So, you know when everything seems so chaotic and like all things in your life are in a big traffic jam. Then, all of a sudden, from out of nowhere... something clicks & gives you great perspective. Suddenly you realize that all the things you're trying to make work aren't working because you can do way better- you're meant to do way more. You're settling instead of dreaming. Or, that the things you dream of aren't being achieved because you're trying to make legitimate sense of it all or control it all or fear has got you down?! Well, that's what's been happening here lately. I have a way of living with what's right in front of my face instead of through all the worldly possibilities. Like this is all there is- this is all I have to work with.. maybe if I did this here & then shove this there & then maybe if he were a bit more like that or if I could shift that... you know how it goes! And then poof... you let go & open your heart and realize... there's more. You're trying to make the whole soup with only 3 ingredients! ...Not that you can't make a decent soup with 3 ingredients but you know- why not go to the store, or pick in your garden, or ask your friends to bring stuff over... the possibilities are endless!:)
Speaking of soup... we made some for dinner! It's the kind of stew that doesn't make a small batch. It's raining here tonight and it seemed so cozy. We made pumpkin muffins for breakfast too! Oh, how I love fall weather (even in Southern California!) and the smell of pumpkin! So then for dinner in the rain, we lit candles and invited the neighbors... a few of them came... and we enjoyed a meal & enjoyed the rain & enjoyed our time together.
I realize how blessed we are and how great the world is. I realize that there's more and that I'm not in control. I realize how much more exciting the possibilities are when you're not limiting yourself. And when we can be genuine & authentic & kind & generous ...the world will sometimes be those things back! ...and even if not, it feels so much better to be those things. Like the gentleman yesterday who stopped me in the store to tell my I had a great smile. He didn't even linger to try & make small talk or awkward conversation! One little gesture made my whole day. The thought that someone could be so kind just for the sake of being kind... that kind of stuff gives me hope! And we have to live with hope in our hearts.

I felt it...

I felt old. Just for a split second! And, it's not like I felt really old- it's just that I felt older! I'm nearly 31 but I don't feel much older than 23. So I was in a yoga class with a teacher who was about 24 & she appeared to be quite green. (not sick, or jealous, or whatever other thing the color green might lend itself too... just new!) Now, I tell myself it's probably because I am so advanced & mature in my practice (*ahem*)! I can't put my finger on it exactly but I had the feeling of 'what is this young girl going to teach me that I don't already know?!" And suddenly- I felt like my mom! I get it though. Age shouldn't be a thing...it is but a number. And we're all here to learn from & to teach one another. However, I'm starting to get it. I don't know if it's a respect thing or if it has to do with feelings of insecurity. Anyhow- just noting... letting it go... embracing any insecurity... holding space and gratitude and room for growth! Namaste.

Everywhere but here...

This is the story of my life! I'm just about everywhere but here- in any one particular moment, any one particular place. I have my moments- of course- but they seem to be very few & far between lately. We've had visitors or been visiting for the past 6 weeks & it's really taken a toll on our routine & my sanity I'm afraid. It's been a really fun 6 weeks though! We've gotten to spend time with some really wonderful people. I'm so exhausted though & trying to enjoy other company while trying to entertain a toddler that is certain your world should revolve around her (it probably should!) is really tough. So, tonight is the first lonely night. We don't have any scheduled visitors until late October. It's really wild how you feed off that energy of other people and how the presence of others in your home can be so greatly missed when they leave.
I've been thinking we would get a new apartment... we're on a waiting list. So, a lot of things have felt up in the air. I know I have to make changes- I'm just not sure how to or which ones to make. I also know I have to put work into it. But, I'm just too tired to do any of the things I don't HAVE to do in a day!
Instead of breathing everyday- making sure I get good sleep at night, eat healthy meals, drink lots of water, do yoga, make time to journal & read, and doing all the other things I have to do to center myself... I just run around like a crazy woman. I feel like wherever I am- I'm thinking of something else i have to do or somewhere else I have to go. Or, I'm talking to someone and start thinking of someone else I was gonna call so then I start texting them while I'm talking to this other person. I actually did that- I'm embarrassed! The long and the short of it is that life is short. We don't get moments back- days, experiences, chances... they come, they go. I think the best we can do is to be in each moment the best we can. We have to do things to really take care of ourselves. If we don't then at the end of the day- we end up all stressed out and frantic -everywhere but here. So then we're never really anywhere. ...except maybe racing our toddler across the street telling her to hurry & run fast because cars are coming! Not choice parenting!! I find I'm not really ever at work- with each particular client, or spending quality time with my daughter, or with friends... I'm just going in a million different directions all the time- whew!!!
So, at least- I guess- I'm aware of it! And, I'm going to start making different choices & get back on a path. Please God, help me!!
"ll that I want for you, my son, is to be satisfied. And be a simple kind of man, someone you can love and understand." -Lynyrd Skynyrd

Ego- maniac!

Well, we humans are funny! I was re-reading some posts as I ponder life tonight! I'm stewing about in a pile of past hurts & confusion & where do I go from here ... you get the idea! So as I re-read things that I wrote when I was really upset (those things should never be written down!) I nearly burst into laughter! It hit me how very childish I can be! I still love to take hits at other people- saying something mean to them or about them, something that will hurt their feelings because they hurt mine! First of all, the planes! Who's to say that any are above or below, that anyone is further along or just starting out?! Who's to say that anyone is better or worse, smarter or... not nearly as smart?! And imbecile.. I just like that word- the dude (though i can think of many other terrible words that might fit when I'm mad) isn't even all that stupid! And the moron... not a moron! I was just feeling hurt so it made me feel better to hurt someone else s feelings (especially since I can write it here instead of saying it to their faces b/c I know they'll never see it!)
I work so hard to be good and honest and fair and to communicate effectively and to live my life through my highest self and to not let my ego get the best of me. Sometimes, however, (and though it doesn't feel good in the long run but I still believe I'm entitled because I'm human!) I just love to let it all go- say what I feel, get caught up in a moment of rage, and say really crazy things- or act out in childish ways.
It's been a good lesson and maybe just an awareness... but next time someone makes you mad or hurts your feelings -I invite you to take a step back, take a deep breath, detach from it, and before you respond with something mean just to make you feel better... find your truth. Then check in with yourself to see what's really going on and how you're really feeling. Perhaps you'll have some choice words for that person still- but they'll be coming from a place of honesty instead of reaction and it's just one of those little things that will help us all start to communicate and build our relationships back up and help us to love one another and make the world a better place!

Brian Andreas

This man is a genius! If you don't know about him- look him up!:)
Its the middle of September and I woke up at 5 am. I laid there for a long time before finally getting up to make coffee & do some yoga and just have some time to myself. It's been so lovely. I lit some pumpkin candles and made oatmeal and enjoyed my coffee hot and listened to my kind of music (instead of 20 Silly Tunes!) and wrote a bit and read a bit and have this sweet warm feeling inside. I'm so excited for fall ...even if I do live in Southern California and the leaves don't change and the air doesn't change as much as it does in Iowa! A great feeling of hope has also swept over me. I woke up all anxious and even though I'm tired now- I feel refreshed! I wish I could make this a habit! Maybe I just will. I love mornings.
"I've always liked the time before dawn because there's no one around to remind me who I'm supposed to be so it's easier to remember who I am." -Brian Andreas

This too shall pass.

The good, the bad, the ugly. They're all just moments & these moments all pass. When I'm going through tough times I particularly try to remember this. But it's the good times too. I feel like more in this last year, I've had to breathe and remind myself that this too shall pass. It's only a moment- only a lesson. Breathe, learn, let go. This moment is your life. And lately, all things seem so tragic. My heart feels so broken and my spirit feels exhausted. And I feel like I don't have much support. I think though, at the end of the day- it's my perspective. And then, I get caught up in the cycle. We are here on a journey and it's not up to anyone else to fix us or save us and we have the strength and answers within us... moment by moment- if we breathe and have faith... this moment too- shall pass. So in the darkest of days- breathe, have faith, embrace it as best you can because there's a lesson in this too & this moment shall pass & eventually you will know great light...which too, will pass. So, if they're all just a bunch of moments- I suppose we embrace them all & learn to love them & let them go. There's no need to hold onto any of them.
I sit here tonight in a rut. I'm so blessed and have had so many good moments and I don't know why the bad ones win out over the good in general- but they tend to do that & then I tend to get stuck on those. It's a real bummer! So, I try to change my perspective- my focus. I focus on gratitude best I can & I breathe & I repeat to myself... "this too shall pass." And- "this moment is your life."

Hello God? Hello Goddess?

Are you out there? At the end of everyday I can look up & down & around and give great thanks because I am blessed beyond belief. The last couple of weeks have been crazy. We've been traveling and or had visitors and it's all been wonderful. But, we've gotten far from a routine and I've gotten far from myself and haven't taken care of me. Now, I should drink more water and less wine, I should sleep more and maybe cry less, I should do more yoga than facebooking! I'm feeling so lost. What am I doing here? How do I stay afloat? How do I move forward? What's really important? When will I learn to really take care of me. I know that we, as individuals, have to take care of ourselves first and foremost- before we can take care of anyone else. Still- it's so easy for me to put other people first. And not even in a good way anymore. When I was home- I found myself falling back into old patterns. I didn't go for a walk or do yoga or even take a walk with my daughter. I ran around trying to see everyone I wanted to see but only got to see a few. I think the real question is- how many people do I really want to spend time with and how many people do I feel like I should want to see? That's the problem... I'm always "should"-ing on myself. Tonight I feel like I 'should' think & do & feel so many things. Fuck it. I'm pissed at certain people, I'm feeling hurt. I'm better than the morons I tend to surround myself with. One particular imbecile talked to me about people being on different planes we're just at such different places and we can't truly connect with people on different planes and why do we tend to surround ourselves with people on other- on lower planes? Because it's easier- it's more comfortable to feel like you know more than someone else that's why. Because it's more comfortable to surround ourselves with people in places that we've already been. The people who are on our same plane or above us will force us to grow- to step out of our comfort level- to challenge us and sometimes that's scary- or it just plain sucks. Why do we want the easy way out? And sometimes we take the easy way and make it as hard as possible- that's what really annoys me. If I could just take the higher road- stick to my guns- and live through it I'd be much better off. And forgiveness... I need to work on this one. Every time I think I've let go- one person hurts me and it all comes flooding back & suddenly this person takes the hit for all the people who have ever hurt me. So sometimes I just want to yell out God or Goddess... are you out there? Can you help me please? Can you give me clarity and guidance and bring me somebody to love and make me less crazy and give me some neon lights for pete's sake- is it too much to freakin ask?! And then the real shitter is that I remember that's it's all inside me and all i have to do is listen and the gods & goddesses are always there and keeping me afloat so I can have these ridiculous breakdowns. Lucinda Williams sings a song ...He can't rescue you. And shit- that's what I think about all the damned time when I just get so sick & fucking tired of doing it all by myself. And then when I remember that, in fact, I'm not doing it by myself. I have this huge and amazing support system around me that is helping me and without them- if I truly was doing it all by myself- I wouldn't be doing much of anything I'm afraid... I'd be dead!!!!!
So in conclusion- thank you God & Goddess & the moon & sun & ocean & land & sky & friends & family--- THANK YOU! Thank you and goodnight... I think I'll try to sleep this one off!
Tonight I'm listening to The Gaslight Anthem and my new favorite band of the night The Horrible Crowes. And this song goes out to my bestie ...because I know she loves the Boss!!
http://youtu.be/Ul0XCTeJx_o

Pleasantville

Pleasantville. What a sweet little word- the name of a sweet little town. It's the town I was born in and the town I graduated high school from. Near graduation Hollywood made a movie called "Pleasantville" and so now every time I tell someone where I'm from, they say "Oh, like the movie." Well yes, actually- it is a bit like that...
Growing up- I can remember wanting a new house- not because mine wasn't really nice but because I was ready for a change. I was younger than 9 because then my parents separated and I got what I wanted. This, perhaps, my first lesson in being careful what you ask for.
My favorite book was Cassie's Magic Flowers- The Story of Calico Crossings. It's about a little girl who lived in a black and white town and spent her days day-dreaming about things being different. She believed in goodness and in the heart of people and in a passion for life. One day, magic beans fell into her back yard and from these grew calico flowers and if someones heart was in the right place they would turn to color upon picking the flower. The plot, to me, seems very similar to the movie Pleasantville- a black and white town where once people found their passion, opened their hearts, and believed in something different- they turned to color. A lot like me and my hometown I guess.
I spend a lot of time with people and I can't help but think we're all just a bunch of lost souls wondering around living through our egos, afraid to be vulnerable for fear of getting hurt. I'm not certain that we feel safe enough to explore our own selves or to be honest with ourselves and then with others. I mean, I know there are those of us who try- but it's really hard. And at the end of the day- is it all simple? Or is it more complicated? Everyone probably has a different idea and general, a man would probably say it was simple and a woman that it was complicated!!!
I wonder about relationships too... simple or complicated? Sometimes I wish I lived in the 50's and would have gotten married based on my good looks and family status to a dream boat of a man who would work all day to come home to me- who would have been working all day on cooking, cleaning, sewing, and caring for our children! I wouldn't have many opinions and we would get through life just fine! Honestly though, I sometimes think that's what it's about- find someone you can walk through life with. You won't always get along, you won't always have fire and passion, you might not have much in common at times but you have roles in your relationships and you just go through the motions. (I'm not saying that every couple married before 1950 wasn't happy or didn't have passion in their relationship- I'm talking the stereotypical black and white happy-as-a-clam family). Nowadays I think we're all too selfish to devote ourselves to one person. And, we think everything/one has a purpose to make us happy. But then the passion, the fire, it burns out. And what happens when it burns out? You're left with a bunch of ashes. So, is it about comfort and stability and commitment to responsibilities or is it about the passion and the fire? I wonder if both are shown in color or if one was is black and white and the other is color?
Here is a quick story about men and women in the town of Pleasantville (other than that- there's no real tie to the rest of the post!) ... So we were getting ready for a huge party at my house & my aunt really wanted everything to look nice and she has an eye for such things. So my uncle ask her where she wants these chairs and she says around the table up there on the hill. So, they very nicely put the chairs out- matching number on each side- in a perfect line. And she instantly noticed and commented that the chairs weren't all the same- some were shorter, some were taller and we just couldn't have that. So I was sent on the mission to make all the chairs the same. I did it. And then I put a grass skirt on a trash can and vacuumed the (outdoor) patio and a few other things I found to be ridiculous! But, it did look really nice in the end and none of us killed each other and it was another great party! But, I realize more and more that men and women are like black and white- they're totally different... but we all want color in our worlds.... whatever that might mean.

Because sometimes a chip just needs some dip

I'm tired- like exhausted, depleted tired... not like I just need a nap. It was a really long weekend. It was full of ups and downs and seeing a lot of people I really wanted to see. But, it was also full of lots of driving and being stuck in traffic and having a baby with a high temperature. It was also full of some lame dude drama. I chalk it up to another lesson in boundaries!
My body aches & I can hardly keep my eyes open. I've been working so much and trying so hard to do it all on my own. I bring home the bacon, make the bacon, clean up after it, run the errands, play with my baby, try to grow spiritually, and try to squeeze in a social life. I'm afraid it's the social life that's put me over the edge. I've got so many great friends but none of them live close enough to meet up for coffee or have a beer with at the end of the day. I've met some neighbors and they're great. The thing is- my life is no longer the way it was before. I've realized I can't stay up until midnight & drink a bottle of wine. Instead, I play at the park or with sidewalk chalk. I also can't handle dudes. A man I think I could handle meeting but dudes- I got no time for em. Lies and bullshit- they exhaust me. The human spirit is such a vulnerable thing. Sadly enough we block ourselves -put up walls to protect ourselves, act out in childish ways to pretend we're not hurt. The truth is- it's ok to feel hurt. We have to learn to create boundaries instead of walls and to communicate effectively about how we're feeling. It's also important to realize that most times- people don't intend to hurt us. So, it's up to us to protect ourselves from it happening again while continuing to hold joy in our hearts and be vulnerable and open.
I love talking so much- I could talk all night long! But, I've realized that real and effective communication- when it comes to matters of the heart, are really hard for me. So I often find myself anxiety ridden with conversations I make up in my head, 10 to-do lists a half a mile long, running on fumes, heart broken with a smile on my face praying to god for more strength to keep going because I don't have time to rest now and if I slow down I might just fall apart and I just can't afford to do that right now.
All this being said... this weekend showed me again the importance of being present, of creating boundaries, being confident, communication, acting with love and gratitude, and that even though I'm a kind of super woman... sometimes a chip just needs dip. I need help. And now, it's time for me to figure out what kind of help I need and to be able to ask for it. Why do we try to do it all on our own? Especially when we're blessed with fabulous friends and family... why do we separate ourselves and try to go it alone? Chips are almost always better with dip! dip, baby, dip!!

My fall-back plan!

Money is tight again... it is every 2 weeks when bills are due! And now, I may not be getting child support for a while. I wish I didn't count on that money but I do. Anyhow- I stayed up much too late Friday night drinking wine & making dinner with a neighbor friend so the little sleep, the hangover, and the budget cuts have put me into a whirlwind of terror! I'm tired. I'm sooo dang tired! I'm always stressed- even though I'm practicing living in the moment, trusting in the Universe, and taking one day at a time! Those things plus practicing gratitude and realizing that I'm always taken care of! Still though, I can only keep up at this pace for so long. If I get another job- it means less time with my daughter. The spa world will continue to fluctuate and I still won't have health insurance! I love my job and I love, love, love living in Encinitas! (I'm simply ranting! Thanks for bearing with me... I swear I'll make a point here!)
In the last few days I've convinced myself, once again, that I could move back to Iowa and be happy there. Not get a different job here or move to a different town or hold off freaking out for a few months when my daughters childcare costs go down or looking into health insurance options, etc, etc, etc. Screw it all- I'll just move back to Iowa. This is always my fall back plan. And it's a great one- let me point out... I have a most amazing family and they would help me move back & help take care of us when we got there. I would have help with my daughter, someone to keep her if I ever just needed an evening alone or if I wanted to go take a yoga class. The cost of living is so much cheaper there- I could afford an apartment or a house with rooms! We would have seasons.. which I only enjoy for about a week each... except for fall- I love autumn! I could go on. I find every good thing about that state & my family & I romanticize it all until it starts to look like heaven ("Is this heaven?" "No, it's Iowa!") instead of the hell I generally find myself feeling in when I'm there!
My point is here that with most big things in our lives- we have a fall-back plan. This is a good thing to have on one hand. It's good to be logical and to think things through and play it safe. But, when we have this fall-back plan, we tend to use it far too often. We play it safe, we don't go for the gold... we settle for the silver or the bronze mostly because of fear and lack of trust in the Universe. I firmly believe that if we listen carefully and honestly to our hearts (or guts) and are align with the ways of the Universe- if we're on our 'right' path then we will always be provided for. We lack faith,in general, as humans! It's a terrible thing!
So, get your priorities straight, cover your bases. but follow your heart! Don't be afraid to go for it! This is your life- you only get one go round!
As for me, I will try to sit in meditation and go to my mat (my yoga mat & my kitchen are 2 very good places! Oh, and the ocean, of course!) Anyhow- it's time to get clear. I know I have really big dreams in my heart. I know those dreams don't always flourish the best in Iowa. I also know that I'm tired! Family is important. I'll make my usual list of pros & cons & end up trying to make it work here because I love it! ...Until I decide to go somewhere else- like maybe Portland or Austin!!;) So many decisions... how will we ever choose? Where are my priorities? And how does what's "right" outweigh what's "fun"? Bottom line, I want to feel somewhat safe and settled and I don't know if I will ever know either of those things. I know for sure I have to work on the faith bit though. To jump, to take leaps, to dance with wings or know that I'll land on a sweet lily pad!

Embarrassed!

I get nervous writing in my own journal- for fear that someday someone will come across them & read them & think- what a nerd! And then they will pick out bits & laugh hysterically & I would just never recover. So, blogging is a really big step. I avoid writing in too much detail & truth because I just can't bear the thought of someone else reading it!
As I grow older though, I grow more and more comfortable with myself. I remind myself that this is a journey and every bit of it -the thoughts, the feelings, the nerdiness is all very important. And, it's important to be vulnerable. Also, those people who would read it and laugh are just assholes!!!
Really, it only ever matters that we like ourselves. So, why do we get so concerned with what other people think of us? Like if you meet a guy & you spend days obsessing over why he hasn't called or what his text meant or if he's going to ask you out again... but you're not even sure if you like him. That's weird! We torture ourselves for the attention I guess. We all want to be wanted but do we really care to be wanted by people who don't want us? And we have to know ourselves well enough & be happy enough with ourselves & sure enough about who we are & what we deserve so that one guy we don't even know if we like can make us feel less than we are.
I'm 30 years old. I'm just now starting to come fully into my own. I'm not good every day but I see bits and pieces. I do have good days. And it's those good days or those small moments when someone give you a compliment that you fill up & get a little bit more confident. And bit by bit- the confidence overrides the fear and we get more and more proud of who we are- we love ourselves a little bit more. This is vital! And sometimes I'm embarrassed that it's taken me so long to get to this point and that I still have so much farther to go. But then, I have to remind myself... it's a journey! Every moment of this journey is just as important as the next... no matter how big or how small.

Gratitude

Feeling overwhelmed with gratitude for life & for being a woman. I have so many beautiful & amazing women friends and family. On top of that, I also get to work with really amazing women too. Tonight we worked with these wives of Marines who were injured in Afghanistan. It's incredible to me what people can go through. It's amazing to me what people can endure and what the human spirit can face and how joy and love can win out in the end.
I've been thinking lately of the things I need- the things a woman needs. There's a song about Passionate Kisses & it goes a little something like that! Really though, a comfortable bed that won't hurt my back, food to fill me up, warm clothes, and all that stuff... and passionate kisses from you!!! We need sunshine and freedom, we need love and support, we need babies to hold and we need time to ourselves, we need warm bubble baths & glasses of wine, we need fresh air to breathe, we need good friends and family and I really do think we need passionate kisses as well. We should all have a hand to hold & someone to love who loves us in return.
I've been reading in Meditations from the Mat about Brahmacarya -moderation, balance... essentially! And that when we follow that voice in our heart that leads us in balance with total faith- we reach our full potential! And in a you tube video my friend sent me- Sean Corn talks about empowering ourselves and other women- we lift ourselves up so we can lift each other up. "The Universe has conspired to empower us!"
There is a woman who just started working with us- she has 2 daughters and recently broke up with her boyfriend who was cheating on her. She doesn't have a car & takes the bus- which stops running about 2 hours before she gets off work. She's so pretty and super sweet and you just know she's been through some shit. She doesn't have many friends here or much support & she's struggling financially... like we all are. But looking at her tonight- I see so many women. I see all of us who think we aren't worthy because some dude told us so. I see those of us who think we aren't capable or smart enough or pretty enough or just plain good enough... because some dude told us so. Or some jealous girl. Either way- all those not enough's come from fear. And there are 2 things- there is fear & there is love. So, can we please, for the love of love, choose love! Love for ourselves and love for each other. Women and men alike- we're all souls on a journey and we're all deserving of greatness- we all know unconditional love- on some spiritual level at least. Can we please be the love and support each other needs? The thing that will destroy us all is the distance between us! So let us reach out and help each other and hold each others hands and walk with each other in freedom and joy and love.
So back to what this woman needs- she needs love and she's got it! When we practice gratitude we are reminded of all that we have. We are such blessed people. I think everyone on this Earth can say at least one thing they are grateful (some of us are far more blessed & can think of many) and when you can start with one thing... more will come. It's often a choice & a perspective. Don't get me wrong- I know there are tough things, tough times, again... what the soul can endure amazes me. But even in the toughest of times- if we can remind ourselves of at least one thing to be grateful for, we can begin to come back to life- to grow. And that gratitude gives us confidence and that lets us better love ourselves and each other and that can heal the whole world.
So go on now, give me one thing you're grateful for...

Changes

Well it's been over a year. My baby met her "daddy", we moved to California, and I turned 30. A lot of really big changes! Yet as I read over my last entry... it pretty much sums it all up! So, where to start? Or, where to go from here? I'm writing again thanks to a suggestion from my best friend who's brilliant so i thought- what the hell... I'll try again!
My daughter has changed and grown so much as has our relationship. She's a genius and the most amazing human I've ever met. I love living in California. Minus the business, how insanely expensive it it, the smog, and the fact that I don't have any family nearby. I also love being 30. Though, as I near 31- my throat gets a little tight & my body aches a bit more! I feel like I'm finally starting to come into myself... finally! I'm starting to be ok with me! I even like me! Sometimes, it feels like I'm the only one but I'm certain that's not true! I still haven't met the love of my life (as in a male partner) and I wait & look for him everyday the same way I check into Soul Scapes every day to see if they've finally gotten my favorite incense in yet.
I did meet an amazing woman & chiropractor in Del Mar. She's helped us both with our physical health but also with our/ my emotional health! I've been doing more yoga ...not as much as I should seeing as to how I live in one of the great yoga meccas of the US! But, doing more yoga- reading more, trying to be patient with myself, be generous & compassionate & understanding and through all the bullshit- love.
The 'shoulds' -why 'should' we do or not do anything- ever?! And the being patient with ourselves... this is so huge. We're so patient with other people in our lives... mostly with small children and animals- but why are we so hard on ourselves? Why do we place limits on ourselves when we should break wide open and flow freely like the ocean? Why are we all so scared? How do we connect with one another or stay connected with fear in the way? How do we shift all this pointless fear into love- into something good we can do or be? There is a quote by Brian Andreas (who I love) :"I once had a garden filled with flowers that grew only on dark thoughts- but they needed constant attention and one day I decided I had better things to do." I still give those dark thoughts more attention than they deserve! But, hey- I'm working on it!!! I'm so fed up with dudes. I try so hard to stay positive but it's one moron after another!! Harsh, i know but pulease... it's ridiculous! Then, of course, I have to look at who I am and what I portray and why the same cycles continue. It recently dawned on me though- thanks to a conversation with a good friend- that there are nice people in the world. I had forgotten & that's weird because my friends and family are really nice people. But, I forget that there are good, honest people who want to be there- to help- to listen- to walk along the same path- to share a good conversation... i think they're all selfish assholes! ...I may have just answered my own question!!;) I have to keep believing people are good.
Ok, so- one day at a time... this is the way change happens- one small step and then another. and, when there are things we're unhappy with- we must do what we can to change them, or to change our perspective but change is constant so must we continuously keep moving- as slowly or subtly as we may... keep going.
I'll try to write something every day- mostly to keep myself off facebook & do something productive!;) At least 3 times a week... I promise!